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Author Topic: NA Dystopian - Damaged  (Read 4975 times)
slightlysmall
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« on: August 13, 2013, 06:00:27 PM »

A newly blind violinist in a society where both are illegal discovers the connection between her Damage, her father's past, and a forthcoming revolution.

Twenty-four words, but does it make any sense?
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Bobby64
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« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2013, 02:50:05 PM »

I'm a little lost.  It's illegal to be blind?  I think you need to make the setting a bit clearer for the rest to make sense.
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slightlysmall
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« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2013, 03:04:35 PM »

That's what I figured... How is this?

"Nadari Clarke finally got what she wanted - a chance to compose music for soundtracks. But it came at the price of her freedom. She discovers there is more at play than art when her father's past, her present blindness, and a future revolution become irrevocably intertwined." (47 words...)
« Last Edit: August 14, 2013, 03:07:25 PM by slightlysmall » Logged

KimE
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« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2013, 06:03:31 PM »

Hmmm, sounds intriguing but I'm still not quite sure I get the premise.
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« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2013, 06:16:18 PM »

My query is here:
http://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=14527.0

if you want the premise as it stands there. Glad you at least think it sounds intriguing. Smiley
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KimE
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« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2013, 06:46:29 PM »

Ok Thanks-- sorry I missed the query thread. That's hard to condense without losing a lot-- I understand the story to be 1. In this society, being a musician is illegal
     2. The MC is banished because she has an infirmity and/or is a musician
     3.  She discovers a special bond with the other banishees/rebels
     4. She has to team up with them when she finds out her father is in danger
     5. All of this is leading up to an overthrow of the powers that be

Sorry to ask so many questions but I actually enjoy writing blurbs and log lines/short pitches, and I want to help take a stab at this. Smiley
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« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2013, 06:57:34 PM »

I like the questions!

Quote
1. In this society, being a musician is illegal
yep.

Quote
2. The MC is banished because she has an infirmity and/or is a musician

This is where it gets complicated. Musicians are normally killed. What actually happens - her father knows what happens to the best artists - they are Damaged (musicians are usually blinded) and sent away to be slaves who make the art necessary to keep society placated. He arranges for Nadari's blindness so that she can pursue her dream of musicianship. The reader doesn't know this.

Quote
3.  She discovers a special bond with the other banishees/rebels

Well, they hate her at first. But the music bonds them. But her love interest hates them. She chooses his side until it comes time to fight for her father.

Quote
  4. She has to team up with them when she finds out her father is in danger

She doesn't have to, but what kind of daughter would she be if she didn't? And they really want her help since she knows where her father lived (also his home office).

Quote
5. All of this is leading up to an overthrow of the powers that be

Eventually. It's set as a trilogy right now, and in this book they are the ones overthrown. I consider the book a tragedy. Nadari loses essentially everything important to her from page 1 to page wherever-it-ends (currently 225, but i'm adding scenes).

If you can make sense of that in two sentences, I will be forever grateful.
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« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2013, 03:55:18 PM »

A blind musician must choose sides when a society of exiled artists takes on a government that outlaws their very existence.

Did my best-- you have a lot going on and its sounds positively Shakespeare-ian.
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« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2013, 10:07:53 AM »

That works. Smiley Thank you so much for your help.

I didn't think about it being Shakespearean. I suppose it is, sort of. Smiley
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« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2013, 12:15:05 AM »

Okay I didn't get it at first but reading all the post I get it. I love the line, In this society, being a musician is illegal....conflict done, key-in character and her choice or actions and I'm sure you'll have a pitch. The only pet peeve which is really nothing is 'this society' what society is that. But still love that. All the best can't wait to see how this turns out.
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« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2013, 11:09:00 AM »

I agree that the Flagirl version works.
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slightlysmall
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« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2013, 03:33:04 PM »

River,

Is it okay that I couldn't get past your opening line because all I was thinking was this?

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MichelleG
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« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2013, 03:50:45 PM »

Personally I like the first thing you posted

A newly blind violinist in a society where both are illegal discovers the connection between her Damage, her father's past, and a forthcoming revolution.

I don't understand the confusion, both indicates two and you said blind - violinist.

Your second posting looses everything.

Nadari Clarke finally got what she wanted - a chance to compose music for soundtracks. But it came at the price of her freedom. She discovers there is more at play than art when her father's past, her present blindness, and a future revolution become irrevocably intertwined.

As you don't tell the listener that being blind (damaged) is illegal or being a musician is illegal, much less that she is both - "the price of her freedom" doesn't make any sense.
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"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2013, 04:07:40 PM »

Tried my original as my third attempt at #AdPit today. I'll see if I have more luck with it. Smiley

Surprised this is getting hits all of a sudden again. Does it have to do with the twitpitches?

and HOW does this thread have nearly 1k views?
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« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2013, 05:53:36 PM »

I'm going to guess twitpitches are getting this so many hits
 
I haven't really spent much time here lately so I thought I would do some catching up with what's going on - that's why I was here.
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"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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