May not be the worst but its up there

[kharmamea]

This isn’t the worst query since my first query attempt holds that title. But it’s up there.

    Dear Mrs Agent.

     Please don’t think I'm insincere with this compliment but you are hot! Seriously you could have had a great career as a centerfold model! If you ever in the area give me a jingle 123-456-7890 and we could meet to discuss my book and get to know each other better , maybe a lot better, if you know what I mean. ;) 

    Well any way, you don’t know it yet but  if we can work out a suitable financial package you are about to represent the next best selling author of all time! I’m sure you heard that before but honestly with me it’s true.
     
     My book is supremely interesting, very very very exciting, and people are just going to love it. It’s about me. It’s called ME. The insights I go into about being me, and the things that have happened to me, is just going to touch people and amaze them like never before. It’s all there from birth, early childhood, grade school, etc. But it really gets interesting when I start talking about the girlfriends I’ve had. Every steamy detail, and every failure they had in being a good girlfriend are written about. This is going to be a series (who knows maybe you’ll end up in my next book ;)

At 20,000 words it may be alittle short , but people today want short books, they just don’t have the attention span or time to read much more. Besides I figured you could hire a photographer and we could fill it out with pictures of me.

I’ve enclosed the book, so know you are going to be the first lucky person to read it, and trust me it is that good nothing will need to be changed. 

So give me a call tomorrow 123-456-7890 so we can talk money and set up a time to meet in my hometown.

Did I mention you are hot?

[oldbag]

K,

I really think you should send this out to multiple agents.  (Just to see what happens...)

(Use someone else's e-mail account)

Think of the interesting article you could write if it results in restraining orders and stuff.

-oldbag

[kharmamea]

ob,
     There is a positive spin on restraining orders that I hadn't thought of before. Thanks for the good advice. Would you write to me in jail if I'm convicted? 

[bodwen]

K,

I really think you should send this out to multiple agents.  (Just to see what happens...)

(Use someone else's e-mail account)

Think of the interesting article you could write if it results in restraining orders and stuff.

-oldbag

I think it would be interesting of he has to take out a restraining order against one of them.

[oldbag]

K,

I really think you should send this out to multiple agents.  (Just to see what happens...)

(Use someone else's e-mail account)

Think of the interesting article you could write if it results in restraining orders and stuff.

-oldbag

I think it would be interesting of he has to take out a restraining order against one of them.

HA! (Still chuckling over here - thanks, bodwen)
-oldbag

[Nostrabuttus]

Kharmamea, you need to add  more about yourself. I think a Literary agent would want to know your record of arrests and any felonies you may have commented. Other than  those things, you are good to go.

[kharmamea]

I thought about that Nostra, but I figured I'd tell her over drinks. It'd probably turn her on to know what a bad and naughty boy I am.

[CradleOfInsanity]

 

I thought about that Nostra, but I figured I'd tell her over drinks. It'd probably turn her on to know what a bad and naughty boy I am.

[kharmamea]

To the people on QT.

     Dang, I haven't heard from any agents yet, damn gatekeepers. Do you think I should put more pressure on the interns, maybe invite them personally out for a snort. Also I realize a huge boner (for us hip writers that refers to def #2 (mistake))I made. I forgot to include pictures of myself. My question is do you think a picture of myself in a bathing suit would be alright or since I am a professional writer, do you think it should be a picture of myself in a bathing suit with a pencil in my hand? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks.

[bodwen]

I think you should be really creative and pose in your bathing suiting and a frown of intense concentration, with the pencil jabbed up against the lens of the camera.  The agent will realize that the picture is from the pov of your current manuscript and chuckle at your cleverness. 

You know what they say: show don't tell.   

[kharmamea]

Ms Agent,

    Oops I almost forgot here are some edorsements proving that i'm a good writer.

"He is very very very very good writer." Tom Badawaco
"This was the bestest writing I ever red" Jill N. Smarto
"If I was a agent I'd pay a lot of money to sign him up, his books are going to all be best cellers" Ida Frupenbacker

    As you can see, everybody who has read my stuff, thinks its great. So come on, lets get it going. Times awaisting. 

[kharmamea]

Dear MS Agent,

     O.K. I couldn't understand why you weren't responding. I went through the checklist and I did everything perfect.

      1. Complimented you
      2. Offered you drinks
      3. Hinted I might put you in my book
      4. Submitted pics of myself in a bathing suit
      5. Sent you endorsements
     
    That only leaves three possibilities.

      1. You are stupid
      2. You are blind
      3. You are gay

    Since you are a book agent, I'm going to cross out #1. and #2. Well, definitely #2 maybe not #1.

      O.K. I get it. You don't have to be embarrassed. But let's not let your issues stop the world from reading my book. If it makes you feel better I can invite the spinster lady who lives down the street (good chance she might like you), when you come over to sign the contract. Now that is all settled give me a call to set up a time.
 

[bodwen]

That only leaves three possibilities.

      1. You are stupid
      2. You are blind
      3. You are gay

    Since you are a book agent, I'm going to cross out #1. and #2. Well, definitely #2 maybe not #1.

Oh, snap!    

[kharmamea]

Bowden

Oh, snap!   

What can I say? I bad, maybe just downright evil... I can't help it. Hope no real agents are looking. 

[aimi786]

haha ooohh I would love you to send that just to see the response haha.
I'm still giggling even after reading it many times!