Author Topic: The best book without actual words you've ever read  (Read 9076 times)

Offline SamIAm

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The best book without actual words you've ever read
« on: November 19, 2013, 09:51:34 AM »
Dear Agent:

I've been writing my new sure-to be best-selling book, LANGUAGE IS NO BARRIER for the last 6 years, and finally feel you are worthy enough to read it.  I suggest you snatch it up quickly, as the other 50 agents I have CC'd into this email are going to start fighting for it once they begin to read my genius.

In the year 3013, after the thousand-year-war, it has been determined that the main cause for war is the language barrier between countries.  Thus, the governments of all the countries decide to do away with language completely, and now humanity speaks in one universal jumble of letters like, "zs;djgaopgjase]-gekag]asdg".

Mary Christmas (this is a real name!  I went to school with a girl who had this name!) is the only human who remembers how beautiful the english language used to be, as she has many old, dusty and crumbling Twilight books hidden in her closet given to her by her mother right before she died from the plague (yes!  the plague is back!) on Mary's 16th birthday, coughing up blood and mucus.  Every night Mary sits and reads her books, hoping for the day humanity will come to its senses and start speaking like Edward and Bella.  When Mary meets Patrick Day, he tells her instantly, "fmjsdvkavsoavjqweasf,fadasaad" and she falls head over heels.  She vows then and there to marry him.  But first, she must teach him to speak normally - if only he knew how to read. 

LANGUAGE IS NO BARRIER is a 200,000 novel about love in a time with no words, and was the result of my eight cats walking back and forth over the keyboard (I credit them in the acknowledgements, of course.  Though, Binky, a persian tabby  was really the genius of the piece).  It is a Young Adult Dystopian Paranormal Romance with elements of Horror, Fantasy, and Science Fiction (oh!  Did I mention there are ghosts and aliens?  Cause they are in there, too!  They also speak like, "hsjfasfasf=-sffsd" thanks to Binky and friends.)  It is book one of a nineteen part series.  It is comparable to "War and "Peace" and "The Shining".

You appreciate my time, I'm sure.  I'm sitting by the phone with Binky now, waiting to hear from you.  Ow!  He just scratched me.  Stupid cat.

Thank you,
A. Cat Lady
« Last Edit: November 19, 2013, 01:06:26 PM by Spikethebunny »

Offline Tabris

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2013, 09:56:24 AM »
Dear A.,

Rjwerj wklrjej  doiuioure jkkjklwer ddarea!  Lrekljkwe wer aa erej een kkj@lkj.kj kljjkjla.

JJJljuiou!

Sincerely,

Jlkklklweriuio NNkllkar

Offline SamIAm

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2013, 10:05:17 AM »
Dear A.,

Rjwerj wklrjej  doiuioure jkkjklwer ddarea!  Lrekljkwe wer aa erej een kkj@lkj.kj kljjkjla.

JJJljuiou!

Sincerely,

Jlkklklweriuio NNkllkar




Oh! I'm so glad you you liked it!  I knew you would!  I'll send you the full manuscript now.  How much money do I get?  It needs to be a lot since I have to split it 9 ways...
« Last Edit: November 19, 2013, 10:09:42 AM by Spikethebunny »

Offline quiarahb

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2014, 01:57:13 AM »
Oh my goodness!!! This was freaking hilarious!! I loved the end when the cat scratched you!! And an aren't would be a fool not to read your genius!!! Awesome Spike!

Offline SamIAm

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2014, 12:06:52 PM »
Oh my goodness!!! This was freaking hilarious!! I loved the end when the cat scratched you!! And an aren't would be a fool not to read your genius!!! Awesome Spike!

Haha!  Thanks!   ;D

Offline kharmamea

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 07:02:30 PM »
A. Cat Lady,

     I read your MS, unfortunately there wasn't enough romantic tension. I understand you have a bunny, perhaps you could let the bunny and a bunny friend write a chapter or two by letting them walk (or what ever) over the keys together.

Resubmit if you think this is something you are willing to do.

Agent mmlkdihgldohld;

Offline SamIAm

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2014, 07:39:14 PM »
A. Cat Lady,

     I read your MS, unfortunately there wasn't enough romantic tension. I understand you have a bunny, perhaps you could let the bunny and a bunny friend write a chapter or two by letting them walk (or what ever) over the keys together.

Resubmit if you think this is something you are willing to do.

Agent mmlkdihgldohld;

Woohoo!  An R & R! 

I'll have to get my bunny hopping on that!   ;D

Offline aimi786

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2014, 03:47:17 AM »
Whenever I feel depressed about my query letter, I go this forum and read the hilarious ones lol
Makes me feel better already :)

Offline tb.tallbird

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2014, 02:49:46 PM »
 ;D  WOW! That put a smile on my face. Hope the agent gets back to you soon!   :wink:
Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some happy, some exciting. But if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter holds.

Offline elysezane

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2015, 02:15:34 AM »
I laughed so hard I think I pulled something!

My favorite bit: "the result of my eight cats walking back and forth over the keyboard (I credit them in the acknowledgements, of course.  Though, Binky, a persian tabby  was really the genius of the piece)."

Offline BeronikaKeres

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2015, 03:51:45 PM »
"And for the sequel, I will pull out a hammer and kdahfikuuhefwsflojefheksf;" *keyboard keys flying everywhere*

Offline Falthor

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2015, 03:52:57 PM »
Wait...  there's a follow up to finnegans wake?
“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”

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Karloff

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Re: The best book without actual words you've ever read
« Reply #12 on: September 18, 2015, 06:40:46 PM »
Haha....will this be coming out in audio?