May not be the worst but its up there

[kharmamea]

Aimi,

I'm still giggling even after reading it many times!

Thank you for the compliment. Sometimes I wonder if other people find my attempts at humor as funny as I had hoped to make it.

[kharmamea]

Ms Agent,

     My patience is wearing thin, obviously your ability for picking mega blockbusting best cellars is forever blocked by your blatant man hating ways. The only reason you drive a BMW and wear fancy smancy shoes (yeah unlike some lazy people I do my research) is because of your husband's fat paycheck as a corporate yes man. 

    I am not an unreasonable nor an unforgiving man. If you would like to make something of your life and decide to pull your head out of your ass so you can see the tremendous talent I am, I will give you one last chance to do so. Put your emotionally damaged baggage aside and concentrate on the millions I am going to make you. That's right millions!! I an bestowing upon you the opportunity to suck off my talent and make millions for handing my book, to the right publisher.  Stop being an idiot, and do the write thing. The write thing (ha ha) get it?

    Look, I am tired of being forced to raid my neighbors bird feeder to sustain my nourishment because you have been remiss in pursing this golden opportunity. This isn't rocket science, just sign me up, and give some blood sucking leech of a publisher my book immediately so we all can benefit from my genius.

   Sorry if this letter seems a tad bit harsh, but sometimes a good kick in the pants and some tough love is called for.

   PS. I still think you're hot.

   
 
       

[...]

 

[KellyFriedman2013]

 
I am dying! This is just too great!!

The sad part is, I wouldn't doubt it if some versions of these "queries" have made it through...

[elysezane]

kharmamea, I realize you posted this nearly two years ago, but I am laughing uproariously NOW--your humor keeps on giving. Rejections have me down, and I really needed this--thank you!

[kharmamea]

Karloff, Kellyfriedman, Elysezanne,

Thanks so much for letting me know you found my posts funny. It always makes my day when I can tickle somebody's funny bone.