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Author Topic: To Whom It May Concern  (Read 3038 times)
urschel
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« on: September 01, 2013, 01:51:26 PM »

To Whom It May Concern

Ever considered a book about bad men doing bad things? I have one.

Starts out with my secondary character Johnny Wasabadguy stealing crayons from other kids in kindergarten. This character grows up to be one bad dude. Eventually he gets life in prison and we never hear from him again. But he sets the stage.

Meanwhile his old gang, the Peppermint Patties, join the Mormon Church for fun and move to Utah. On their way there, they meet Princess Roadkill who is a witch from outer space. Being a naive bunch of bad people, they naively turn over their Sam's Club credit cards to the naive-bad-people sucking credit card witch. She conjures up all kinds of trouble and puts it on their cards. Walmart sends a bunch of old people greeters to track her down. But their scooters don't do well in the desert. It's heart wrenching.

Left behind, Grandma Kleptomaniac gets a liver transplant and becomes a zombie. It's hell in the nursing home,
believe you me. Especially when she eats everyone's deserts while the nurse is diddling herself in the bathroom. Err, diddling with her hair in the bathroom, same thing. 

My main POV character, Amanda, a twelve year old rocket scientist with a time machine made out of wire coat hangers and dental floss, you can see she's really brilliant, only has one line of dialogue but it's a scorcher, "Hasta LaVista, Grandma" before her troubles get worse when she launches her eighteen cats into the past. To the Boxer Rebellion to be exact. And those big dogs, boxers, party all night with the kitties creating a void in the time-space continuum. Amanda, distraught and hung over, follows the cats into the past and can't return. But Superman arrives just in time to save her. Only he doesn't. I'll explain later.

I need your advice on an ending that pulls all of these threads together. Thanks. I hope you're not one of those chicks that wear glasses.

PS- I don't have a computer so I will forward you the 678,923 napkins I have poured my heart and soul into. Please send me postage.
PPS- They may be out of order.

I have other offers so don't wait too long to RSVP.




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Kaiodem
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2013, 01:16:21 PM »

To Author:

Send me every single one of those napkins now, dammit!

Omg, I died reading this: "she launches her eighteen cats into the past."

Haha, so great: "PPS- They may be out of order."

I can't imagine what an agent would do if they received something like this.
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KimE
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WWW
« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2013, 02:21:14 PM »

I guess I'm pretty warped because I think I'd actually read this.  Smiley
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I am burdened with glorious purpose.
urschel
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2013, 03:21:26 PM »

Thanks guys. Karma to you.

I would write this book but it's probably too tame for me.

Hasta LaVista
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kharmamea
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« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2013, 07:31:11 AM »

Hey Urshel,

     Great Query. Seriously I think it would make for a very entertaining book. Smiley

Quote
But their scooters don't do well in the desert. It's heart wrenching.
    rofl rofl rofl


Quote
PS- I don't have a computer so I will forward you the 678,923 napkins I have poured my heart and soul into. Please send me postage.
PPS- They may be out of order.

To me that is so funny!!  Rollin Rollin
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catsandstuff
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« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2013, 11:04:10 PM »

Urshel you made my night... really freaking funny.  clap
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How to Hang a Witch
2016 Knopf/Random House
Twitter: @AdrianaMather
Instagram: @adrianandsmeagle
urschel
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« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2013, 02:27:23 PM »

Thanks guys. Kharma to you.

Warning:

Cats and Stuff please keep your cats away from the entrance to the time machine.
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catsandstuff
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« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2013, 10:49:49 PM »

Urschel...lol!!! No worries about the cats though. They are too busy smacking me in the face and maintaing their pear shapes to go near the time machine.
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How to Hang a Witch
2016 Knopf/Random House
Twitter: @AdrianaMather
Instagram: @adrianandsmeagle
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