No, like seriously

[Tabris]

Dear Agents:

I can't believe all of you either rejected or just didn't respond to my last letter where I said I was ready for an agent and you guys could compete to see which one I picked. Seriously, guys, this novel is amazing, and every time I read it it brings tears to my eyes. It's full of pathos, passion, big words, heartbreak, rejoicing, and a little bit of sex so people will know it's cutting-edge. There's a character who really struggles with a difficult decision and eventually has to make a hard choice but triumphs in the end. Like really, what else do you want?

So I'm ready this time, and you can all quit snickering and playing your little joke on me. Ha-ha, very funny. I'm ready, so if you guys would all start submitting your bids to see which one will represent my novel, you can either send it by email or call. If I'm already talking to another agent, you could leave a voicemail, but I'd rather you just call back again until I'm free. I'll be home until about six o'clock tonight.

Sincerely,

{Firstname Lastname}

[munley]

Dear Writer:

You are correct.  This book has all the ingredients that would send an agent's income off the charts. However, every time I call to offer representation, I get a recording saying that your voicemail is full. Your email inbox is also full.

What's a poor, competing agent to do?

Agent #18749

[kharmamea]

Dear {First name, Last name}

     I am not an agent, I am an author. I am very disturbed after reading your query.

There's a character who really struggles with a difficult decision and eventually has to make a hard choice but triumphs in the end.

     This is so obviously about me. And thusly is the exact plot line of my book "ME". Making me a MC in your book without securing rights and arranging a royalty deal (60% should do) is going to land you in a heap of trouble. I'm willing to chalk this most serious of infractions to unbridled hero worship, but you must do the "write" thing and call me 123-456-7890 so we can work out a compensatory package that I so rightfully deserve.

     You can check out my query (world's worst) http://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=14694.0 to see the proof that your story is about me.

Sincerely,
I.M.D.* Bomb
D.* as in .....  Don't make me sic my lawyer on ya.

[Tabris]

Dear IMDBomb,

I laughed at your attempted extortion. My concept is so unique that clearly you must have plagiarized my manuscript. Have your attorneys do their worst. I shall rise above it and Learn A Valuable Lesson in the process.

Sincerely,

Author

Dear {First name, Last name}

     I am not an agent, I am an author. I am very disturbed after reading your query.

There's a character who really struggles with a difficult decision and eventually has to make a hard choice but triumphs in the end.

     This is so obviously about me. And thusly is the exact plot line of my book "ME". Making me a MC in your book without securing rights and arranging a royalty deal (60% should do) is going to land you in a heap of trouble. I'm willing to chalk this most serious of infractions to unbridled hero worship, but you must do the "write" thing and call me 123-456-7890 so we can work out a compensatory package that I so rightfully deserve.

     You can check out my query (world's worst) http://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=14694.0 to see the proof that your story is about me.

Sincerely,
I.M.D.* Bomb
D.* as in .....  Don't make me sic my lawyer on ya.

[kharmamea]

My concept is so unique that clearly you must have plagiarized my manuscript.

 

     

[Tabris]

My concept is so unique that clearly you must have plagiarized my manuscript.

 

     

The sad thing is, I'm sure some agents have gotten query letters that read just about that way. And I know it because I've seen back-cover copy for some published books that reads exactly that way. "At a crossroads, Chris faces a difficult decision that will change everything, and either way, nothing will be the same." Um, what the hell is this book about? What genre is it even?

[bodwen]

I think that line sums up about every book ever written.  Well, every book that had more than one pair of eyes looking at it before it went to print.

I've seen some pretty funny things on the backs of books.  It all seems so innocent, until you know what goes on behind the scenes.  Now when I read a blurb that reads "This is this author's best book yet!" I have to fight to keep from swallowing my tongue.

[Tabris]

I think that line sums up about every book ever written. 

Every GOOD book ever written. If the MC faces no choices and faces no consequences, well... 


(Making no choices when confronted with a choice is still a choice, so I wouldn't categorically rule out those books.)

[munley]

Another blurb I've seen a zillion times includes words to this effect:

When. . . . does such and such. . . or goes [someplace, like up to Granny's attic] she discovers a family secret that will change her life forever.

This tell you nothing. It's a classic case of blurbbull.
Any book with a definable plot will end up with characters changed in some way. If everybody is exactly the same as they were in the beginning, then nothing significant happened to anybody -- not much of a narrative.

[Tabris]

Another blurb I've seen a zillion times includes words to this effect:

When. . . . does such and such. . . or goes [someplace, like up to Granny's attic] she discovers a family secret that will change her life forever.

This tell you nothing. It's a classic case of blurbbull.
Any book with a definable plot will end up with characters changed in some way. If everybody is exactly the same as they were in the beginning, then nothing significant happened to anybody -- not much of a narrative.

And yet we've all read that book, haven't we? Where the main character does a lot and learns nothing?

BTW, there's nothing wrong with "When Amanda is playing hide and seek, she goes into Granny's attic and discovers a family secret." It's the hype part that makes it "blurbbull" (great word, btw!) because it implies this book is different from all others in that the character changes. And "life" in what sense: has she turned into a horned owl? Did she lose respect for her grandmother? Did she discover she stands to inherit seventy million dollars if she learns to sing the French national anthem?

There was one novel I was all set to buy based on author's reputation, tagline and cover when I read the blurb and realized I had no clue what the book was actually about. 

[bodwen]

And yet we've all read that book, haven't we? Where the main character does a lot and learns nothing?

I see that more often on TV.  Probably because they have five different writers working on five different scripts simultaneously, so they have to make sure the major characters all end up back at square one.

The was one of the many things I loved about BtVS when it first came on.  It was episodic, but the characters actually learned from their mistakes and never repeated them.