Author Topic: You are the luckiest agent in the world!  (Read 2887 times)

River

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You are the luckiest agent in the world!
« on: November 22, 2013, 08:24:12 AM »
Madame Agent;

And I am calling you that because I know you are not maried and miZ or mIss because those titles are not worthy of you. I have studied you intimately for the past six months to make sure you were THE ONE. That's how I know you arent a Mrs.

Please prepare yourself for the happening that will schange your life.Make sure you are sitting down and have smelling salts and a glass of strong spirits nearby for I don't want you falling on the floor in joy and exhultation (that means great happiness).

I am a writer (dah) and you are a very sucessfull agent and this is like a match made in heaven. I understand that you only represent (that means work for) MG fiction and coiffee table books, but we must all break the rules now and then.

So let me tell you about my book. It is 10000 words long unless you count the 60 page prolog. I have heard that is not the right thing to do, but WTF!  Anyway, there are 7 main characcters and four of them are married to each other. Anyway, there go off on a space ship heading for Snarzac to find the supreme jewel and rescue the princess.

She is really hot! and the Captain falls for her and when she is kidnapped by the Gargalons, our seven intrepid (that means brave) space travelers comes to her rescue once again and the crew starts to get sick of rescuing her even though she is from a species that does not believe in wearing clothes. Did I mention she is really hot?

DSo they have to find the Gargolianss, which is really hard because they have to climb mountains and s**t, and they are so tired when they find the Gargolons, they just don't care anymore and let them sacrifice the princess and chop her up into little cubes that they makeejewelry out of.

So the Captain goes insane and leaves them all on Snarzac. There is no food on Snazac so they eat wild berries which makes them die excruciating (that means a lot) pane. So there is a lot of violence and incesense and lots of gratuitous sex (I don't know what that means but it soounds pretty good. Ha LOL.)

So anyway, the Captain drives his ship back to Earth but he can't stop thinking of the beautiful princess so he watches a lot of porn and by the time he gets to Earth, his right hand is so sore that he crashes into New York and kills about a million people. And that's where skynet comes in! (I don't think they would care if I used parts of other movies and books , do you? They are bound to be so happy to be part of this amazing book they will probably thank you on their knees.

So dear Madame agent, after spending days learning how to make this an incredible query, are you ready for the money to start rolling in? (Keep in mind that I know you live in the penthouse at 1616 New York street and I watched your happy children catch the school bus many times. LOL.) In fact, I can see you leaving for work right now as I rented the apartment next to Dreadful Publishing and I have night vision goggles for when you go out at night.

So I will expect an email from you in the next twentyfour hours telling me how happy and proud you would be to represent my book. And I dropped off a seven pound box of chocolatrs and a kitten at your firm.Please don't eat any of the chocolate until I tell you it's okay and the kitten does not have rabies, just a ba case of pink eye. Pay no attention to his occasional convulsions-I think he just does it to get attention.

So my novel is called THE BOOK and I know that once you read it, you will crawl over broken glass to get a chance to sell it. And I know you will offer me your body as incentive (that means make you want to) but let's face it, you are kinda old for me. But you are still the best in the biz and I know that because two of ny friends quiered you also.

When you call, you have to go through the head nurse. When you visit you will see your pictures all over the cell-I mean room. I evn carved your name in the walls about a jazillion times. And don't mind the pajamas and slippers-they are always afraid I will hurt myself, but at least I don't have to wear the helmet anymore.

With profound love and respect, I remain the future focus of your life and wealth and happiness,

Mr. Manson

Offline SamIAm

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Re: You are the luckiest agent in the world!
« Reply #1 on: November 26, 2013, 12:17:31 PM »
So anyway, the Captain drives his ship back to Earth but he can't stop thinking of the beautiful princess so he watches a lot of porn and by the time he gets to Earth, his right hand is so sore that he crashes into New York and kills about a million people.

I laughed out loud at work and got some weird looks.  I needed that!   ;D