Author Topic: Dear Mr. Evil Agent,  (Read 4354 times)

Offline Fishinmortician

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Dear Mr. Evil Agent,
« on: December 17, 2013, 04:09:57 PM »
Dear Mr. Evil Agent, (sent, of course, to a female named Terry)

If you don't represent this book, you've just got to be an idiot. I mean, who wouldn't want to read a children's book about how to deal with death and dying? I go into detail about body functions and how they shut down one by one. Children need to know about this s#%t, right?

My wife made me promise not to drink while I wrote this book, during a vacation to Winamucca, but, what the Hell! I had a few beers, big deal. Didn't Hemingway drink? And, wouldn't you want to represent him? I mean, up until the whole shotgun thing?

Anyhows, back to my freeking amazing, 175,000 word tome on the operations of a large scale, but absolutely corrupt hospice care company that creates profit from death, especially the death of "Little Bobby's" grandma. One part is really good, where the hospice lady makes cookies for "Little Bobby", but substitutes soda powder for sugar. THEY'RE NOT LIKE GRANDMA'S!

Anyway, the whole thing starts out on a smaller scale, of course, with the kid's dog getting hit by a car. First his dog dies, then his friend dies; then grandma. So, it don't happen all at once and that's why it's tooken me 175,000 pages to describe all of the suffering and pain and then I had to talk about how you should act at a funeral and dress nice, too. And be on time.

Okay, so here's the bottom line: I want $50,000 up front and then we will talk. I got expenses, just like you got in New York freekin' City, pal. I got a daughter I got to send out to California, to one of them addiction places to get off the Jack Daniels and my wife wants a front door put back on (the cops kicked the last one all to pieces).

So, here's the first five of the 175,000 - I mean, Easop wrote long stuff for kids, right? He's famous and I don't think he ever wrote nothing this long! This ought to be a freeking hit! Think "Duck Dynasty" for kids and death. What a combination!

Okay, so, I will wait for your detainer check. Once I get it, I will ship off the other 74,445 pages. My printer cartrigages are getting kind'a thin, so snap it up! Get it? Kids, death, Duck Dynasty. Works for me!


Offline KimE

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Re: Dear Mr. Evil Agent,
« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2013, 05:49:18 PM »
Ahh, I just knew cousin Eddie had a book in him!
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Offline Pandean

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Re: Dear Mr. Evil Agent,
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2013, 06:00:32 PM »
Duck Dynasty for kids? Who wouldn't want it!

I think you should start sending this one out!
WHITE STAG, an internet phenomenon, has been acquired by St. Martin's Press/Wednesday Books for publication in Winter 2019

Offline Sarah Ahiers (Falen)

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Re: Dear Mr. Evil Agent,
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2013, 08:47:10 AM »
Children need to know about this s#%t, right?

I LOL'd at this bit
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Offline kharmamea

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Re: Dear Mr. Evil Agent,
« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2013, 09:15:13 AM »
Hey Fishmortician,

That was great!!!  :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:

Offline quiarahb

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Re: Dear Mr. Evil Agent,
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2014, 01:49:42 AM »
 :rof3: :rof3: Falen's favorite part is my fav part too!! This is great! You should start sending this out ASAP! Lol!!!