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Author Topic: Which pitch works better?  (Read 4074 times)
sara_ash
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« on: January 13, 2014, 05:30:16 PM »

I'm trying to develop a new opening for my query (just a sentence or two at the top (right after "Dear _": and before the summary of the book)) and was wondering which one works better. Would love any help!

PITCH ONE
Normally killing someone would be a big deal, but twelve-year-old Thomas Wright has even bigger problems

PITCH TWO
Thomas didn't mean to kill Seberal. It just kind of happened. He found a door, walked inside and then bam! he'd frightened the old man to death.
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LaraEwrites
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« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2014, 05:36:33 PM »

Both of these sound very intriguing!  Thumbs Up
Personally, the first one makes me want to continue reading, so I'd say it is my favorite out of the two.
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coaldog
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« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2014, 05:50:02 PM »

Both of these make me want to read the rest of the query, so I'm torn. But in a good way.
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slightlysmall
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« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2014, 05:57:58 PM »

The first one, I think, but I like them both.
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MookyMcD
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"hilarious and offensive and usually accurate"


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« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2014, 06:14:57 PM »

I'm trying to develop a new opening for my query (just a sentence or two at the top (right after "Dear _": and before the summary of the book)) and was wondering which one works better. Would love any help!

PITCH ONE
Normally killing someone would be a big deal, but twelve-year-old Thomas Wright has even bigger problems

PITCH TWO
Thomas didn't mean to kill Seberal. It just kind of happened. He found a door, walked inside and then bam! he'd frightened the old man to death.

They've both got a good interest factor, but I think you start weak with the first one. I think it may be because you're starting out with a broad generalization before you get to the meat of the pitch. You may be able to strengthen it by keeping it specific to the character. Maybe starting it along the lines of "Accidentally killing an old man is a big problem... " and then getting to the fact that it isn't even the biggest problem TW's facing.

Also, on the pure pitch side of things, I think you need more "and then." From the sound of it, I'm guessing you are telling us an inciting incident (in fact, your pitch seems to be that the inciting incident isn't even really the big inciting incident). To me, a pitch is: (a) TW frightens an old man to death, so (b) [all hell breaks loose]. I don't know what your "all hell breaks loose" is from this pitch.
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sara_ash
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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2014, 08:02:51 PM »


Thanks for pointing this out. I hadn't even thought about it in terms of being the inciting incident. So I should probably go for something like this:

When twelve-year-old Thomas Wright accidentally frightens an old man to death ...

?
« Last Edit: January 13, 2014, 08:04:22 PM by sara_ash » Logged
MookyMcD
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« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2014, 10:34:05 AM »

Exactly (except I still wonder what your ? is).
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sara_ash
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« Reply #7 on: January 16, 2014, 08:15:16 PM »

Yeah. I'm struggling with that too. There are two separate plots that join together to form the main one and I'm just trying to figure out which one to use in the query or possibly a way to include them both. When Thomas enters the other world he accidentally kills an old man. He tries to get home so he can look after his grandpa, but the passage is closed until he finds the stolen sun. So, he sets out to catch the thief. But when his first few suspects are proven innocent he starts to give up. But then he learns more about the old man he killed (specifically that he, too, was trying to help them survive the darkness) so, to make amends for killing him, Thomas tries even harder to catch the thief.
I'm just not sure how to phrase all this in the query, or what bits to leave out. It is so frustratingly hard!!! Cry Cry Cry
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Joy
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« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2014, 09:03:06 PM »

Have you considered talking about he situation instead of the instance TW is in...

The sun had been stolen, plunging the other world into centuries of darkness.  When young TW stumbles into the other world he frightens to death the only man possessing the knowledge for survival the darkness.  Now TW is trapped in the dark other world, unless he can solve the mystery and return the sun.

Ok, it's rough, but you get the idea. I had a similar problem trying to put my plot into a paragraph.  It's not easy.  Good luck.
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tb.tallbird
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« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2014, 04:19:35 PM »

I like pitch 1 more than 2. Sounds like an interesting story.  Dancing Bear
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Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some happy, some exciting. But if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter holds.
sara_ash
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« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2014, 12:44:26 AM »

Have you considered talking about he situation instead of the instance TW is in...

The sun had been stolen, plunging the other world into centuries of darkness.  When young TW stumbles into the other world he frightens to death the only man possessing the knowledge for survival the darkness.  Now TW is trapped in the dark other world, unless he can solve the mystery and return the sun.

Ok, it's rough, but you get the idea. I had a similar problem trying to put my plot into a paragraph.  It's not easy.  Good luck.

Thanks for this Joy! You've brought a really fresh perspective. I'm going to give this format a try and see how it goes.
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