Author Topic: The Ultimate Guarantee of Success  (Read 2604 times)

Offline myitkyina

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • Karma: 5
The Ultimate Guarantee of Success
« on: January 19, 2014, 08:27:22 AM »
Greetings Agent,

You might think you’ve heard it all before, but I guarantee you haven’t heard what I am about to share with you.  I’m not going to tell you how great my book is, because frankly, I don’t know if it is any good or not.  That isn’t even material to our discussion.  What I can say with absolute certainty is that my book---which you would be foolish to reject---will be a best seller.   I guarantee it.  I’ve included some pages of it---actually the whole thing---so why don’t you hand it to one of your assistants to spruce it up, check the spelling and punctuation, toss in some gratuitous sex, teen angst, or whatever’s hot now, and do all those things best left to underpaid interns with attitude.

As I said, I don’t know if my book is any good, and I don’t much care.  Neither will you.  You needn’t even bother to read it, as that would be just holding up the inevitable.  If you are any good at your current job---and I know you are because I see you’ve gotten some real drivel published--- there are a few things you’ve probably learned.  You know that style trumps substance and appearance trumps fact.  But how, you might now ask, can I guarantee the success of my work?  Will I have my buddies write glowing testimonials on Amazon?  No, that doesn’t really fool anybody.  I’ll do something no one, except maybe Donald Trump, has ever done before.  You see, I’m rich.  Sinfully rich.  Obscenely rich.  I’ve climbed to the top of the mountain in my own field, and now I want to climb somebody else’s hill and swing some elbows.  You will help me, because (here’s the kicker):  I will buy as many copies as it takes to get the thing on the New York Times Best Seller List.  I’ll also make sure it stays on it for six months.  Now I don’t know how much firepower that’s going to take, but I’ll bet you’ve got a pretty good idea.  I assure you I’ve got the firepower, so why not take a moment and see what it all means to you.  Let’s assume $28.95 retail hardcover, maybe $24 through Amazon.   Now go figure your fifteen percent commission.  You want to pay off your mortgage?  Ever driven a Ferrari?  Keep reading, my friend; it gets even better.

Don’t for a minute think somebody like Michiko Kakutani can knock me off.  She can rip me a new backside faster than Andrew Wylie would reject Dan Brown, but I’ll just keep buying.   The pen might be mightier than the sword, but the wallet---my wallet---is mightier than her pen.  Heck, I might even just buy the whole damn New York Times and cut out the middlemen.   I’ll send that Ms. Kakutani out reviewing Owner’s Manuals for George Foreman backyard grills.

Please don’t tell me you still have to sell my work to a publisher, because you and I both know the bottom line to them is infinitely more important than quality or reputation.  Somebody published Fifty Shades, right?  And Sarah Palin got in print, what, twice?  I rest my case.  I don’t care if it’s Random Penguin, Simon & Collins or whomever; just consider them my personal Vanity Press and let’s get this thing on the store shelves.  Also, I want it up and running before the start of the summer season in the Hamptons.  I feel like having some fun with Tom Wolfe.  He’s not on your list, right?  We’ll show him what a mistake he made.

Did I mention I will be buying the movie rights, too?  I already assume you’ll insist on a piece of that action, so don’t go playing coy with me.  This isn’t going to be some turnaround, either.  I’ll be funding the film production and the distribution.  Right now I’m thinking Jennifer Lawrence and Daniel Day-Lewis, but if either of them passes on it, there’s always Nicolas Cage.  With that IRS problem still dogging him, he’ll choose payday over beach day any day.

Have somebody from legal shoot over a contract, and let’s get rolling.  I have a sneaking suspicion you like my "voice", and I'll bet bucket loads of commission dollars is exactly what you and the firm are looking to add to your current list.

Offline bodwen

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3024
  • Karma: 1301
Re: The Ultimate Guarantee of Success
« Reply #1 on: January 19, 2014, 10:42:22 AM »
Ha, I've read books where I can swear that's what happened.    :)