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Author Topic: A BLIND EYE  (Read 4618 times)
TerryRodgers
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« on: December 13, 2013, 11:32:37 AM »

I'm working on my query and elevator pitch for the hundredth time and here's what I have so far for the quick tagline. Does anyone like either or neither? Thank you much.  Grin

When Detective Kristine Pennington takes on a murder case filled with mutilated bodies and vigilante justice, she believes only a man could be so brutal to his victims. She is dead wrong.

When Detective Kristine Pennington takes on a murder case filled with mutilated bodies and vigilante justice, she believes only a man could have committed the crimes. She is dead wrong.

I originally had this next series of sentences, but they don't include the name of the main character. A young detective. An irresistible sociopath. Two women with equally dark pasts square off in a deadly game. One has something to prove. The other has someone to kill.
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MookyMcD
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"hilarious and offensive and usually accurate"


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« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2013, 11:46:49 AM »

I like the abandoned concept. Can you merge it? [Name] has something to prove. [Name] has someone to kill..." kina thing?
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slightlysmall
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« Reply #2 on: December 13, 2013, 12:31:03 PM »

agree
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TerryRodgers
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« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2013, 12:45:29 PM »

You mean something like:

Kristine Pennington is a young detective. Dr. Cynthia Perry is an irresistible sociopath. Two women with equally dark pasts square off in a deadly game. One has something to prove. The other has someone to kill.

or

Kristine Pennington is a young detective taking on her first serial murder case. Dr. Cynthia Perry is an irresistible sociopath hired to profile the killer. Two women with equally dark pasts square off in a deadly game. One has something to prove. The other has someone to kill.

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MookyMcD
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« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2013, 12:52:18 PM »

this is a concept, not a draft:

Kristine Pennington is a young detective taking on her first serial murder case with something to prove. Dr. Cynthia Perry is an irresistible sociopath hired to profile the killer. a criminal profiler with someone to kill. [then a sentence about only one of them will walk away or their paths colliding, worded in a way that avoids the two cliches I just used]


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kharmamea
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« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2013, 01:00:48 PM »

Hi Terry,

    Your first two are almost the exact same. Between the two I liked when you used the word brutal, it seems to me to be more intense.

     Personally I think your original was the best of the three.
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A young detective. An irresistible sociopath. Two women with equally dark pasts square off in a deadly game. One has something to prove. The other has someone to kill.

    Short, dramatic, concise, intriguing.

     Also I see no benefit to using personal names in an elevator pitch. They add  nothing to the meat of the story.
« Last Edit: December 13, 2013, 01:06:06 PM by kharmamea » Logged
MichelleG
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« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2013, 01:31:05 PM »

I like the one with 'brutal' better.

However, I think you are missing an opportunity, you SHOULD NOT tell the listener which one of the two is the killer,  leave them wondering.
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« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2013, 01:48:32 PM »

Yea, I wasn't thinking "elevator pitch" enough. I agree the names should be left off.
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« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2013, 01:52:20 PM »

Along the lines of not saying which wants to kill, I think calling your sociopath a criminal profiler or whatnot makes it less obvious what well happen. And therefore more intriguing? Maybe?
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Natasha E
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« Reply #9 on: December 16, 2013, 12:09:30 AM »

Definitely go with the bits you were originally eliminating because they didn't  use your character's names. It catches my attention and makes me want to read so I can figure out which is which. Short, sweet, and sexy. Me likey!
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Sarah Ahiers (Falen)
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« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2013, 09:11:57 AM »

Yeah i wouldn't worry about the names. Your nameless one is the best
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TerryRodgers
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« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2013, 02:25:44 PM »

Thank you everyone. I was wondering about the nameless one because I didn't get any bites with it in the last two twitter pitches. I see everyone using the when this happens, so and so must do this or this happens.
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SamIAm
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« Reply #12 on: December 17, 2013, 07:45:57 PM »

I honestly love the nameless one.  It grabbed me right away.
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Brachistochrone
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« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2014, 05:17:44 AM »

I like this one,

A young detective. An irresistible sociopath. Two women with equally dark pasts square off in a deadly game. One has something to prove. The other has someone to kill.

But I'd like the see the second sentence/phrase balanced against the first with comparable information, namely, the sociopath's job, and maybe not saying she's a sociopath since that hints at which one is probably the killer.  Something like:

A young detective. An FBI profiler.  Two women with equally dark pasts, who square off in a deadly game. One has something to prove. The other has someone to kill.

A general question about elevator pitches:


I know that the terminology comes from a pitch being short enough to spit out to a potentially interested party during an average elevator ride. But that implies something said out loud.

You wouldn't walk up to an agent and say, "A young detective. A . . ."

So are we supposed to think of this more in terms of a written thing?



« Last Edit: February 15, 2014, 07:45:12 AM by Pup-Tent » Logged
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« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2014, 12:40:15 PM »

A young detective. An irresistible sociopath. Two women with equally dark pasts square off in a deadly game. One has something to prove. The other has someone to kill.

Cosigning others-- I really like this one.

I don't know that I'd change anything about this, actually. I could go either way on the above suggestion to change sociopath to FBI profiler.

I think as written, there's quite a bit that I want to know about your story-- what their dark pasts are, what the deadly game is, what one of them has to prove, and who the other has to kill. I think already it's chock full of mystery and I'd want to read it.

Just my thoughts.
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