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Author Topic: BLOOD REIGN YA pitch  (Read 8624 times)
aimi786
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« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2014, 11:41:10 AM »

When 17yo Alice falls off a cliff, she awakens on a battlefield of another world, where she sets out on a dangerous journey to find a witch with the power to send her home.

^ I copied off a template. Very simple. Feels meh but I looked at previous pitch madness entries. Some of them are very vague but still got noticed  Huh?

Falen, I don't know how I can add all that in 35 words.

Shall I even mention the conspiracy? It's just going to add more questions and might confuse readers.

I'll reply more if i come up with something else. Off to nap!
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Sarah Ahiers (Falen)
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« Reply #16 on: March 05, 2014, 12:01:27 PM »

When 17yo Alice falls off a cliff, she awakens on a battlefield of another world, where she sets out on a dangerous journey to find a witch with the power to send her home.

Not bad. I agree it's a bit meh, but sometimes in these types of contests, meh is what you have to settle for.

What i wonder about this one now is, does the battlefield even need to be mentioned? The fighting and killing are not really mentioned in this pitch, so i don't know if it's a detail you need to include.
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aimi786
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« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2014, 01:56:04 PM »

wouldn't waking up on a battlefield be interesting? Because the first thing she sees when she wakes up is people fighting each other and dead men all over the ground.
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Sarah Ahiers (Falen)
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« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2014, 02:18:31 PM »

It's interesting in theory but

Because the first thing she sees when she wakes up is people fighting each other and dead men all over the ground.

is way more interesting than "she wakes up on a battlefield" you know?
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aimi786
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« Reply #19 on: March 06, 2014, 04:37:40 AM »

When 17yo Alice jumps off a cliff, the first thing she sees when she awakens is dead men on the ground. Unfamiliar in this strange world, Alice goes on a dangerous journey to find home.

After suffering a deadly fall, 17yo Alice awakens in another world and witness people fighting and dead bodies around her. Terrified, she flees where she sets out on a dangerous journey to find home.


Am I even getting anywhere lol

« Last Edit: March 06, 2014, 06:08:10 AM by aimi786 » Logged
tb.tallbird
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« Reply #20 on: March 07, 2014, 03:57:42 AM »

I'm a little late to the party, but I really like the first one on your last post. On the second, I don't know that it would be a deadly fall if she wakes up. Anyway, totally curious about your story.  clap
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aimi786
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« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2014, 04:35:17 AM »

Falen is right. Dead men on the ground does sound more interesting. I do realise my earlier suggestions sounds cliche (im not surprised, i copied that from wizard of oz template!) so i've been thinking what is it that makes my story unique.

The dangerous journey home- cliche
Find a witch with power to send her home- cliche
wakes in a strange world- cliche

So I need to omit that (apart from strange world since i need to show that alice doesn't live in medieval world, rather she's transported into it).

Anyway, so I was thinking of the parts that makes my story unique and that is:

Heroine disguised as a man
A dragon allowed her to live despite eaten everybody else (he recognises her which is starting point that Alice is something more than average human).
Alice falls into a very deep pit when she's in a cave and still survive (rapid healing).
Told she will save the world yet she enjoys killing.
She finds a sword with a will of its own. The sword is cursed with evil as it slayed thousands of men for centuries and not anyone can wield the sword and if they try, they will end up killing themselves with the sword in their hands.

Ok that's naming a few. Obv I can't cram it all in so I have to pick the ones that sound intriguing.

Here's what I came up with:

17-year-old Alice jumps off a cliff but only to awaken in a sea of dead men. Disguised as man, she goes to find home but only to plunge in political intrigue between monarch and rebels.

^So I got MC, inciting event, goal and conflict.

But.... it's still not epic ya knw?
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Sarah Ahiers (Falen)
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« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2014, 10:29:15 AM »

17-year-old Alice jumps off a cliff but only to awaken in a sea of dead men. Disguised as man, she goes to find home but only to plunge in political intrigue between monarch and rebels.

better. I still think you need to mention that she's in another world, now, otherwise it leaves too many questions (how did she survive, who are these dead men, why is she trying to get home, etc)

But that's an easy fix:

17 yo Alice jumps off a cliff only to awaken in another world amidst a sea of dead men. Disguised as a man, she searches for home, only to be plunged into political intrigue (maybe a better word here? Something more active and less pensive than "intrigue") between monarch and rebels.
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tb.tallbird
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« Reply #23 on: March 09, 2014, 11:16:18 AM »

I agree with Falen! Mentioning another world would smooth out the wrinkles. The rest of it is really good though.
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thieleas
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« Reply #24 on: March 09, 2014, 12:37:33 PM »


Not sure if i got the perfect pitch but here is the updated one for the moment:

17-year-old Alice falls off a cliff and awakens on a different world’s battlefield. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home, only to face demons, political intrigue and her own bloodlust.


Aimi, oh I do like this. There's a lot going on though, so you're losing some detail. "Political intrigue" for example is vague and "bloodlust" brings vampires to mind. That said though, something may have to give as far as detail goes to fit everything in. I LOVE the "disguised as a man" bit. DO NOT take it out!
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aimi786
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« Reply #25 on: March 09, 2014, 02:10:04 PM »

Thanks, Ash Smiley

17-year-old Alice falls off a cliff and awakens on a different world’s battlefield. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home, only to face demons, political intrigue and battling her own bloodlust.

I'm just playing around with words now. Demons- okay, it shows there is some paranormal theme in this. Political intrigue- although very vague but it hints that there's some power play and a conspiracy and bloodlust- i have no word for it lol. But it shows a conflict so I'm putting that in.
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SamIAm
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« Reply #26 on: March 10, 2014, 08:24:53 AM »

Thanks, Ash Smiley

17-year-old Alice falls off a cliff and awakens on a different world’s battlefield. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home, only to face demons, political intrigue and battling her own bloodlust.

I'm just playing around with words now. Demons- okay, it shows there is some paranormal theme in this. Political intrigue- although very vague but it hints that there's some power play and a conspiracy and bloodlust- i have no word for it lol. But it shows a conflict so I'm putting that in.

Curious - Is this still a medieval-type world, because I loved that word in there. It conjured a lot of imagery to me.  I also think you may want to punch up the language a bit.  I came up with this when I was playing around.  Take it as you will:

17-year-old Alice plunges off a cliff and awakens on a medieval battlefield in another world. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home and encounters demons, political intrigue and her own surprising bloodlust.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2014, 08:34:43 AM by Spikethebunny » Logged
aimi786
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« Reply #27 on: March 20, 2014, 10:45:21 AM »

This is for PitMad:

17yo Alice awakens on a medieval battlefield in another world. Disguised as a man, she fights demons and war to get home.

What if Alice woke up in a carnival of horrors instead of Wonderland? Demons, war and a heroine disguised as man.

17yo Alice plunges off a cliff and awakens on a medieval battlefield in another world. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home.


And this is for NestPitch, also 35-word pitch. Can you see which one is better?

Seventeen-year-old Alice falls off a cliff and awakens on a medieval battlefield in another world. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home and encounters demons, political intrigue and her own surprising bloodlust.

Seventeen-year-old Alice falls off a cliff and awakens on a medieval battlefield in another world. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home--even if it means killing people.

Alice awakens in a horrifying Wonderland when she falls off a cliff.  To get home, Alice must: Fight flesh-eating monsters; Defeat the Queen’s army; Find a witch to send her home; Rein her growing bloodlust.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2014, 11:18:49 AM by aimi786 » Logged
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