The Mary Sue Hunger Games

[bodwen]

Now look what you've done, Mooky.   



Scene District 12.  A cock crows.  Two girls rise from bed.

Prim:  Morning, Katniss.
Katniss:  Morning, Prim.  You're looking lovely this morning.
Prim:  I wish I looked as lovely as you.
Katniss:  Oh, pshaw.  You're like all blonde and pretty and stuff.  I'm like dark and skinny and crap.
Prim:  Oh, yeah?  Then how come I don't have a bunch of hot guys following me around everywhere I go?
Katniss:  Them?  They're just being polite and stuff.  They pity me because my dad dying and crap.  God damn, I'm hungry.
Prim:  Oh, no!  Why didn't you say something sooner.  I'll go milk my goat!

Mother enters

Mom:  Katniss.  How are you this morning.
Katniss:  (under her breathe) Well I'm cold and I'm hungry and I have a crick in my neck.  But if I tell you any of that, you'll just be miserable worrying about me all day.  You deserve some happiness, so I'll pretend I'm fine.
Mom:  What was that?
Katniss:  I said I'm fine.
Mom:  Are you sure?
Katniss:  Yes, mom, I'm sure.  Now leave me alone and think of yourself for a change.
Mom:  Ok, if you insist.  I just wanted to bring you this dress and draw you a bubblebath and brush your hair and give you a makeover with all this stuff that I just spent my life savings on.
Katniss:  Why?
Mom:  Because you're the best daughter ever, and I can't have people thinking I don't appreciate it.
Katniss:  Whatever.
[An hour later there is a knock on the door]
Peeta: Wow!  You look beautiful!
Katniss:  No I don't, but thanks anyway.
Gale:  Hey Katniss, I'm here to walk you to the quad.
Peeta: No, I'm here to walk her to the quad.
[Give each other dirty looks]
Katniss:  You can both walk me to the quad.  Peeta, can you, like, go get Prim? 
[To Gale after he leaves]  I'm sorry I made out with Peeta.  I only did it to make you jealous.
Gale:  That's ok.  I forgave you a long time ago.
Katniss:  Only, now, I'm like, starting to fall for him, so I can't decide which of you I like better.
Gale:  Take all the time you need, Catnip.  I'm not going anywhere.
[Prim and Peeta return and they walk]
Peeta:  You know, Katniss.  You should consider becoming a career tribute.  You'd win for sure. 
Gale:  Yeah.  Then we can all hang out together at the winners' village.
Katniss:  No way.
Prim: Oh, come on.  The other tributes will surrender when they see how awesome you are.
Katniss:  You guys are so funny. 
Prim:  Oh shoot.  They are drawing the names already.
Effie:  And the male tribute is:  Peeta Mallarky!
Peeta: Gack!
Gale:  Haha.  Guess who has two thumbs and is going to end up with Katniss by default.  This guy!
Prim:  Oh, snap!
Katniss:  Shush.  They are announcing the female tribute.
Effie:  And for female tribute:  Primrose Everdeen!
Prim:  No!  Oh, no!  They can't pick me!  I'm the only doctor in the village!  What if Katniss gets sick!  I'm going to be so worried I won't be able to sleep! I'll lose for sure!
Katniss:  Fiiiiine.  I volunteer!
Crowd:  KAT NISS!  KAT NISS!  KAT NISS!
Prim:  Nooo!!!  You can't take her!  I won't let you!
Katniss:  Oh come, on Prim, you suck at fighting and you know it.  The guys are right.  I'm going to win for sure.

[Pandean]

 

Scene: The Train Ride

A somewhat drunken man, a very enigmatic woman, and Katniss and Peeta sit eating:

Katniss: *gobbles everything*
Peeta: I wish I was you, Katniss. I'd love to eat everything and not worry about my figure.
Katniss: Oh, you look fine. I'm gaining weight! *is beautiful and skinny*
Haymitch: *drinks*
Katniss: Haymitch, stop drinking, we need to discuss strategies for the games
Haymitch: *Immediately throws the liquor out the window* Yes, whatever you say! But it won't matter, because I'm sure you'll win.
Katniss: You expect too much of me, I'm just a poor girl from district 12.
Peeta: *under his breath* Who has every boy trailing after her
Katniss: What Peeta? *flips hair*
Peeta: *twitterpated* Uh Gah
Katniss: Oh, we're here, I guess we'll meet our stylists now.
Effie: Like you'll need them! You're stunningly attractive as you are--the sponsors will fall over themselves to get to you! You on the other hand *side eyes a Twitterpated Peeta* will need some work.

[bodwen]

 

[Sarah Ahiers (Falen)]

holy sh*t. I cannot describe how hard i giggled at this part:

Katniss:  Them?  They're just being polite and stuff.  They pity me because my dad dying and crap.  God damn, I'm hungry.


It was definitely the "god damn" that did me in

[MookyMcD]

That's some funny stuff. 

[bodwen]

[Katniss and the others enter the style room and the others are immediately shoved to the side by a hundred screaming stylists.]

Stylist 1:  It's her! 
Stylist 2:  OMG!  OMG! 
Stylist 3:  Breathe!  Don't forget to breathe!
Stylist 2:  [Hands Katniss a pen]  Will you autograph my shoulder?
[Katniss scribbles her name with a heart over the i]
Peeta:  I bet you'll be never be washing that shoulder again.
Stylist 2:  Hardy har, smartacre.  It's a tattoo pen.
[Katniss is mobbed by stylists stroking her arms and running their fingers through her hair]
Stylist 3:  How do you get your ringlets so perfectly tousled?
Katniss:  I dunno.  I kind of shake my head from side to side and it just falls that way.
Stylist 1:  Skin: Aphrodite Olive #2.  Hair: Dogwood Demigoddess #10.   [The other stylists furiously scribble into their tablets.]
Katniss:  I didn't know I'd get so many stylists on my style team.
Effie:  [Laughs a high pitched laugh]  Don't be silly! These are the stylists for the OTHER tributes.  They're just here to try to poach some style tips from you.
Peeta:  Hey!  That's cheating!
Katniss:  It's ok, Peeta.  No sense in making this too easy for me.
Cinna:  Shoo. Get lost.  [All but three adoring stylists leave]  Hello, I'm Cinna, your wardrobe guy.  And these three are your stylists. 
Katniss:  Charmed, I'm sure.
Cinna: I made you a charcoal-dust colored dress, but to be honest, I like what you're wearing much better, so I'm just going to toss it in the trash.
Katniss:  This old thing?  Couldn't you at least liven it up a bit.
Cinna:  What do you suggest?
Katniss: I don't know, like maybe have flames shoot out of it, or something?
Cinna:  It's genius!  I love it!

[MookyMcD]

So I'm working on my feminist/linguistic deconstruction of the Mary Sue trope. Would you mind if I added this at the bottom as bonus materials? With attribution, of course. (Attribution to screen name unless otherwise requested).

[bodwen]

Absolutely, I'd be honored.

[Pandean]

So I'm working on my feminist/linguistic deconstruction of the Mary Sue trope. Would you mind if I added this at the bottom as bonus materials? With attribution, of course. (Attribution to screen name unless otherwise requested).

After hearing that you had a redneck dialect I'm so excited to hear you go on a feminist rant.

[quiarahb]

That was funny Bodwen and Kodi! Nice job. I, like totally, envy Katniss now! Ha!

[GoldyGirl]

Haha!!