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Author Topic: Pitch - The Essence Effect  (Read 3848 times)
thieleas
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« on: March 09, 2014, 09:26:57 AM »

I've had a few pairs of eyes on this already, but I'd really like to open this up to all you helpful folks on the forum! What do you think? Karma to all who reply  Thumbs Up


Seventeen-year-old Aurora’s biological father snatches her from her family, insisting her essence could end the male-only births plaguing his subterranean colony. Having always hidden her abilities, she’ll hold nothing back to get home.
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aimi786
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« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2014, 09:53:12 AM »

this is so much better than before!!!!! (see my exclamation marks there?  naughty )

I really like this one. Good luck tomoro! Smiley

ps: what's with YA and 17 year old teens? Mine is also 17 hehe
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thieleas
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« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2014, 10:08:04 AM »

Hug  Thanks, Aimi!

Yeah, 16-17 seems pretty common.

Good luck to you also! I saw on twitter @RaeAChang gave you a critique. That's awesome! Will you be posting an updated version?
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aimi786
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« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2014, 10:58:44 AM »

lol! I paid for it haha
Still needs some tweaking though.

Not sure if i got the perfect pitch but here is the updated one for the moment:

17-year-old Alice falls off a cliff and awakens on a different world’s battlefield. Disguised as a man, she sets out to find home, only to face demons, political intrigue and her own bloodlust.
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tb.tallbird
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I live in a fairy tale world!


« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2014, 11:14:12 AM »

LOVE IT! Thieleas, I'm hooked! This is coming from a fresh pair on eyes!  clap
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Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some happy, some exciting. But if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter holds.
thieleas
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« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2014, 12:20:28 PM »

Always grateful for a fresh set of eyes. Glad you think this is working, tallbird. Let me know if there is anything in particular you'd like me to take a look at in return. Karma!!!
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tb.tallbird
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I live in a fairy tale world!


« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2014, 01:04:39 PM »

I do have a couple of first Chapters in the forum if you would like to take a look. It would be much appreciated! Any ideas for genre on those would be appreciated as well. I'm terrible at figuring that out.  Huh?
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Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some happy, some exciting. But if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter holds.
SamIAm
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« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2014, 08:28:14 AM »

I've had a few pairs of eyes on this already, but I'd really like to open this up to all you helpful folks on the forum! What do you think? Karma to all who reply  Thumbs Up


Seventeen-year-old Aurora’s biological father snatches her from her family, insisting her essence could end the male-only births plaguing his subterranean colony. Having always hidden her abilities, she’ll hold nothing back to get home.

LOVE this!  Great job!   clap

Good luck!  The story sounds intriguing!
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thieleas
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« Reply #8 on: March 10, 2014, 10:16:50 AM »

Thanks and karma! Is there anything I can take a look at for you, Spike?
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TJMarks
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« Reply #9 on: March 10, 2014, 09:17:53 PM »

HOOKED!....now if only I could think of two sentences to sell my book.
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Brachistochrone
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« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2014, 01:23:35 AM »

I've had a few pairs of eyes on this already, but I'd really like to open this up to all you helpful folks on the forum! What do you think? Karma to all who reply  Thumbs Up


Seventeen-year-old Aurora’s biological father snatches her from her family, insisting her essence could end the male-only births plaguing his subterranean colony. Having always hidden her abilities, she’ll hold nothing back to get home.

Sounds good, though I wonder if "convinced" would be a more suitable word than "insisting."
     "Insisting" involves an effort to convince somebody else (Aurora? Some officials in his colony?), while "convinced" implies his own mind is set and he's going to carry out what he thinks best no matter what anybody else thinks. With nobody specified on the other end of "insisting" it seems vague.
     Hard for me to tell without knowing more about the story. I looked for your first 5 or first chapter, but didn't find either.

Also looking for some contrast word (though, but, etc.)  in the second sentence, since things will be different now.

I know you're trying to keep this short, but is there some way to be more specific about her "abilities" and showcase at least one of them so we could picture her doing something?

For example, let's say she has super physical strength:
Though she's always hidden her abilities, she'll lift 20-ton boulders and flatten out the council if she has to -- anything to get back home.
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thieleas
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« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2014, 08:13:00 AM »

Thanks TJ and Pup!

Pup, I stepped away from this project quite awhile ago, so my first 5 and query (which have changed a lot since) are now buried in the forum, never to be seen again.  naughty

As far as her abilities, there was no squeezing them in. They are just too odd to explain in a word or two, and they aren't the focus. The main point I was trying to get across was: She's hidden her abilities (ignored what she is capable of) from her adoptive parents, because she wants to be a part of their family. But now the only way she's ever going to see them again is by embracing the heritage she's suppressed for so long. So essentially, she'll embrace everything about herself that isn't normal to be normal again. I reworded that last sentence for Pitch Madness! Karma and as always, do let me know if there is anything either of you would like me to look at in return.  Thumbs Up
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