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Author Topic: ACROSS THE SALT AND SAND 35 word Pitch YA High Fantasy  (Read 4678 times)
Pandean
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Panic in human form


« on: March 19, 2014, 09:02:09 PM »

So I finally, after much struggling, made a 35 word pitch for Across the Salt and Sand.

Can I get some opinions on it?

Note: it's 35 words exactly so if you want me to add something, it means I'll have to cut something.

Thanks!

Here it is!

Born to a dynasty of manipulative rulers, Eisa, a Princess-in-hiding, bides her time as an unwilling pawn. When her guardian is captured, his rescue will mean leaving the chessboard and becoming a player.

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WHITE STAG, an internet phenomenon, has been acquired by St. Martin's Press/Wednesday Books for publication in Winter 2019
tb.tallbird
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I live in a fairy tale world!


« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2014, 09:07:52 PM »

I love your play on the chess analogy. Yay! I haven't read much of your book but from what I've read, I'd say... "Well done!"  clap
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Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some happy, some exciting. But if you never turn the page... you will never know what the next chapter holds.
thieleas
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2014, 11:11:18 AM »

This flows really well. Couple things I wasn't clear on:

An unwilling pawn to what? Is she within the kingdom of manipulative rulers at the moment? The only reason I ask is because I'm wondering how she's hidden her lineage from those who spawned her. Or maybe she's not actually inside their rule at the moment, which then makes me wonder how she's an unwilling pawn if she chose to go into hiding. Does that make sense?

As much as I like the chess references too, you may consider cutting them to be able to add clarity. Just my opinion though.
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Pandean
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Panic in human form


« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2014, 11:41:06 AM »

Thanks!
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WHITE STAG, an internet phenomenon, has been acquired by St. Martin's Press/Wednesday Books for publication in Winter 2019
Pandean
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Panic in human form


« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2014, 03:58:44 PM »

This flows really well. Couple things I wasn't clear on:

An unwilling pawn to what? Is she within the kingdom of manipulative rulers at the moment? The only reason I ask is because I'm wondering how she's hidden her lineage from those who spawned her. Or maybe she's not actually inside their rule at the moment, which then makes me wonder how she's an unwilling pawn if she chose to go into hiding. Does that make sense?

As much as I like the chess references too, you may consider cutting them to be able to add clarity. Just my opinion though.

Long story short:

Her guardian is her uncle--who was exiled from the Kingdom when he attempted to usurp her father, the King. When she was seven he stole her from the Kingdom to live with him as he know headed a band of outlaw-mercenaries that wrecked havoc on the Kingdom and now she's biding her time in hiding there, pretending to be his bastard, as she trains to kill the king and fights against the teachings said king has instilled in her at a young age.

So yeah.

Not quite sure if that's too complicated to add to a pitch...
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WHITE STAG, an internet phenomenon, has been acquired by St. Martin's Press/Wednesday Books for publication in Winter 2019
Brachistochrone
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2014, 04:56:32 PM »

From your later explanation, it sounds like she is a willing, not unwilling, pawn of her guardian-uncle in his chess game of intending to usurp the throne, something he had tried, but not managed earlier, when he stole the king's daughter.

And willing pawn makes more sense in later saying she'll have the leave the chessboard (where she was playing along with pretending to be his bastard child) to rescue him. Am I correct that you mean she's the one who'll set out to rescue him?

I really like the chess analogy.  Assuming I have the story straight, here's a try at keeping that analogy that substitutes more specifics from your later explanation. Maybe not the exact wording you should use, but just a suggestion of facts you could slip in somehow.

ORIGINAL:
Born to a dynasty of manipulative rulers, Eisa, a Princess-in-hiding, bides her time as an unwilling pawn. When her guardian is captured, his rescue will mean leaving the chessboard and becoming a player.

REVISION:
Princess Eisa, pawn of the uncle who kidnapped her and tried to usurp the throne, pretends to be his bastard child. When he’s captured, rescuing him will mean leaving the chessboard and becoming a player.
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Pandean
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Panic in human form


« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2014, 05:51:07 PM »

From your later explanation, it sounds like she is a willing, not unwilling, pawn of her guardian-uncle in his chess game of intending to usurp the throne, something he had tried, but not managed earlier, when he stole the king's daughter.

And willing pawn makes more sense in later saying she'll have the leave the chessboard (where she was playing along with pretending to be his bastard child) to rescue him. Am I correct that you mean she's the one who'll set out to rescue him?

I really like the chess analogy.  Assuming I have the story straight, here's a try at keeping that analogy that substitutes more specifics from your later explanation. Maybe not the exact wording you should use, but just a suggestion of facts you could slip in somehow.

ORIGINAL:
Born to a dynasty of manipulative rulers, Eisa, a Princess-in-hiding, bides her time as an unwilling pawn. When her guardian is captured, his rescue will mean leaving the chessboard and becoming a player.

REVISION:
Princess Eisa, pawn of the uncle who kidnapped her and tried to usurp the throne, pretends to be his bastard child. When he’s captured, rescuing him will mean leaving the chessboard and becoming a player.

Ooh! That's a good idea, Pup-Tent! I like it! Smiley
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WHITE STAG, an internet phenomenon, has been acquired by St. Martin's Press/Wednesday Books for publication in Winter 2019
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