Dear Mr/Mrs/Sir/Madam/Thing,
Post is a piano. An out of tune piano at that. But Joss is deeply in love with him.
But it's hard being in love with an immortal piano when your parents are seals who hate prepared piano music. Evil seals. And not the Navy kind.
Now Joss has to stick her playing cards and bacon in her beloved Post's strings in secret, otherwise her parents will chop him up and use his wood for a dam (I should probably say they used to be beavers.).
CAN JOSS EAT A PEACH WITHOUT DRIPPING ON THE LINOLEUM? CAN SHE??? No, seriously, can you to that? I keep trying and it keeps dripping, and cleaning up sticky peach juice is such a pain!
I just sent you the entire 600 page manuscript of PREPARED PIECE NO MO' (NO MO'), a fantasy exotic romance fiction novella, in a zipped attachment, so we don't waste any time. When you've finished reading next week feel free to give me a call and I'll tell you which publishers would be appropriate to send it too. This is going to be the best book you've read all year.
You know you want some of this.
(Not) All my best ( but some of it, I mean, I have to save some for later),
Empress Awesome
