Author Topic: Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE  (Read 4930 times)

Offline awarwick

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Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE
« on: September 18, 2014, 10:43:54 PM »
Dear Your Royal Highness/Your Excellency/Your Imperial Majesty:

It's finally here. I know. You don't have to say anything. Words can't describe it. Truly, they can't. But, for the past 37.958 months, I've been working on my masterpiece. Excuse me, THE masterpiece. Ahem. Yes, THE masterpiece. Let me present to you: MY BIG TOE. In essence, it is a book on everything you need to know about my big toe. I know, I know. You don't have to tell me how toe-tally brilliant it is. My mother has already told me, as well as this old granny I almost ran over with my car. Anywho.

MY BIG TOE starts off with my big toe from birth. It was such a tiny thing. Hardly bigger than a raisin, all pruney and...raisiny. Sigh. It was like this little pink pimple. Gosh, I know how excited this must make you. You're probably thinking this will make you a gazillionaire, and...you'd be right. Don't be shy about getting in contact with me immediately. I have the phone next to me 24/7, even when I'm on the toilet. Don't want to miss any important calls, you see. Speaking of calls, I told the pizza man all about my manuscript, and he just (as in 60 seconds ago) told me how brilliant of a writer I am. Then he asked me to marry him.

I did. (30 seconds ago).

But I digress. As I grow, my toe does as well. You will enter the highs and lows of my big toe. You will read about my big toe's loss, such as the time I dropped a cinder block on it and the toenail fell off. Or the time I got foot fungus and it started turning all green and stuff. Gawd, it smelled like, I don't know, trash and poop and dog barf. Oh, and the time when my big toe had its first ingrown toenail. Speaking of ingrown toenails, did you know that when I make a crapload of money off this masterpiece, I can get a pedicure every single day? You can too, since you'll be rich as well. It's almost like a match made in heaven. You wanna get married? I'll dump the pizza guy. He has bunions anyway. Gross.

Per your submission guidelines, I've included my entire manuscript, all 222,222 (2 is my big toe's favorite number) pages of brilliance, as well as my headshot for photoshoots, a signed picture of my big toe, all of my toenail clippings, my first pair of shoes, and some complimentary nail clippers. I know MY BIG TOE will move you the way it moved me. This is a book you will not regret representing. Oh, and the genre is a giant mashup of health/memoir/fiction/romance (my big toe had a first love, but that was before he found out about the whole cheating fiasco...). Don't pass up THE masterpiece. Your big toe will thank you.

Sincerely,

Mr. Toe


Offline quiarahb

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Re: Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2014, 10:54:50 PM »
This was so funny and made me cringe-- in a good way!

I need this book in my life! I'm requesting this lickity split!

I look forward to all of the money and pedis!

We shall be in touch, darling. Toodles!

Offline 007 fan

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Re: Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2014, 02:31:22 AM »
Dear Mr. Toe,

You can not imagine how excited I was to receive your query because I have a toe fetish.

I have placed the signed picture of your big toe on the wall, along with all the pictures of big toes I have.

You don't need to wait for my call, I've been camped outside your house...waiting to catch sight of that magnificent toe of yours.

Look out your window now and wave to me, but don't use your hands....use a foot so I can see your big toe.

Sincerely,

Toeby Toelover

:write:                                                                          :cbash:

Offline KimE

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Re: Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2014, 08:32:39 AM »
I am scheduling a pedi for after work today.
I am burdened with glorious purpose.

Offline awarwick

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Re: Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2014, 07:42:31 PM »
Ece, I will make sure to wear sandals so that the world may witness its beauty...

Offline Pandean

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Re: Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2014, 08:04:41 PM »
The first time your Big Toe had an ingrown toenail sounds like an amazing story.
WHITE STAG, an internet phenomenon, has been acquired by St. Martin's Press/Wednesday Books for publication in Winter 2019

Offline awarwick

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Re: Don't tell me...it's...can it be? MY BIG TOE
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2014, 05:03:44 PM »
The first time your Big Toe had an ingrown toenail sounds like an amazing story.

Oh, it was. It truly was.