Dear Your Royal Highness/Your Excellency/Your Imperial Majesty:
It's finally here. I know. You don't have to say anything. Words can't describe it. Truly, they can't. But, for the past 37.958 months, I've been working on my masterpiece. Excuse me, THE masterpiece. Ahem. Yes, THE masterpiece. Let me present to you: MY BIG TOE. In essence, it is a book on everything you need to know about my big toe. I know, I know. You don't have to tell me how toe-tally brilliant it is. My mother has already told me, as well as this old granny I almost ran over with my car. Anywho.
MY BIG TOE starts off with my big toe from birth. It was such a tiny thing. Hardly bigger than a raisin, all pruney and...raisiny. Sigh. It was like this little pink pimple. Gosh, I know how excited this must make you. You're probably thinking this will make you a gazillionaire, and...you'd be right. Don't be shy about getting in contact with me immediately. I have the phone next to me 24/7, even when I'm on the toilet. Don't want to miss any important calls, you see. Speaking of calls, I told the pizza man all about my manuscript, and he just (as in 60 seconds ago) told me how brilliant of a writer I am. Then he asked me to marry him.
I did. (30 seconds ago).
But I digress. As I grow, my toe does as well. You will enter the highs and lows of my big toe. You will read about my big toe's loss, such as the time I dropped a cinder block on it and the toenail fell off. Or the time I got foot fungus and it started turning all green and stuff. Gawd, it smelled like, I don't know, trash and poop and dog barf. Oh, and the time when my big toe had its first ingrown toenail. Speaking of ingrown toenails, did you know that when I make a crapload of money off this masterpiece, I can get a pedicure every single day? You can too, since you'll be rich as well. It's almost like a match made in heaven. You wanna get married? I'll dump the pizza guy. He has bunions anyway. Gross.
Per your submission guidelines, I've included my entire manuscript, all 222,222 (2 is my big toe's favorite number) pages of brilliance, as well as my headshot for photoshoots, a signed picture of my big toe, all of my toenail clippings, my first pair of shoes, and some complimentary nail clippers. I know MY BIG TOE will move you the way it moved me. This is a book you will not regret representing. Oh, and the genre is a giant mashup of health/memoir/fiction/romance (my big toe had a first love, but that was before he found out about the whole cheating fiasco...). Don't pass up THE masterpiece. Your big toe will thank you.
Sincerely,
Mr. Toe
