nano-ing until 2 a.m. isn't making me punchy at all

[leonie]

Dear Agent:

I can only imagine how wretched you agents with last names that start with Z feel. Why should the lucky peeps with A last names hog all the random queries, while you get snubbed time and again? Are your prescriptionless glasses not as ironic as theirs? Is your “Euro cut” suit jacket not as constricting? Your call for submissions with a “no response means we’re mocking you in the breakroom” policy not the sweet siren song of your competitors’?
 
I say, emphatically, “No.” So I clicked on that nifty “hard right” arrow above the Query Tracker list and up you popped, like a perky kernel of Mr. Redenbacher’s finest!

First of all, you should know that this isn’t an ordinary piece of literature. In fact, the members of my critique group all said it was “hard to get into” and “murky” and “clunky.” Yes, hard to get into – like a Lamborghini Veneno. Murky… like the warm pond behind Grandma’s house. Clunky…like your favorite Frye boots. So I knew I’d done something right.

This is an understated story that not everyone will “get” – a story about secret longings, and a waiting heart, and our most subtle inner struggles. A delicate, painstakingly-detailed story about what we want, and why we want it, and who we want it from, and how we may not get it. It is, in short, a story of our times.

I am now currently looking for professional representation for my 329,000 word upmarket fiction novel, DIRK AND SERENA AND THE POSSIBLY FLIRTATIOUS NOD. Please note that this is a simultaneous submission, but that I will not move on to the ‘Y’ names for 24 hrs. Kindly also note that I am respectfully seeking a 7.5 percent commission structure; I’m sure you’ll recognize immediately upon reading the attached WordPerfect 6.0 file that selling DIRK AND SERENA will require very little, some would say no, legwork. It will be an honor to sign with you!

With love,

Slush Puppy

[007 fan]

Dear Slush Puppy,

Unfortunately, I will be leaving for London soon to have more suits custom made.  I plan to be gone for 6 months, spending all the money I made off the backs of writers.

Since you are moving to the 'Y' agents next, I would like to recommend a friend of mine.  Her name is Itinka Yuracard.  She's flat broke after loosing all her money to a scamp she met during her last trip to Europe.

I'll phone her so she knows to watch out for your query.

Sincerely,

Ima Zuckerfortightsuits

[leonie]

Dearest Madame Zuckerfortightsuits:

When you return from London in your bespoke writer-hide suit, my sequel, DIRK AND SERENA AND THE WAYWARD SCONE CRUMB, will be ready.

Cheerio,
Your lil’ slush pup

[KimE]

Dear Slush Puppy:

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Engima, the intern to Ima, who unfortunately was struck and killed by a TGV train at the Gare du Nord metro station while munching on pan chocolat. More regrettably, her new custom-made suits from London were ruined by the ensuing blood spill. A shame, really. It's so hard to find well-made clothes these days.

But I digress. At this time, I am keeping Ima's, err, my, list tight. Your book, although dense, nay, indecipherable, just doesn't beckon to me. After all, I am twenty-two years old and have an MFA so I know the good stuff when I see it. it's people like me that keep the teeming millions (that would be you)from breaking into the publishing world. This rarified air is, alas, not for everyone. But if you think you have the next Gone Girl, please feel free to re submit.

Yours truly,

Enigma Inariddle