Hah! Found it.
Dear Holy Spirit:
Thank you for your submission. The editorial board was very much intrigued with your concept for The Bible and would be interested in seeing the complete manuscript.
We ordinarily do not publish anthologies, but we may make an exception if you can get signed releases from the authors of all the books. As we do not publish poetry at all, we will not be including any of the psalms, but some of them certainly showed promise. You may feel free to submit those elsewhere.
Your working title isn't "sexy" enough to sell, so we've retitled it "Assassination: A Murdered God Speaks." We feel this will draw the eye among bookshelves crowded with competing sacred scriptures.
Some of the material in your sample chapters appears inflammatory and exclusivist, and those parts would doubtless offend our readers who worship Ashera and Zeus. This material would have to be removed or reworked before we would consider publishing your book. Although doubtless the negative publicity would generate sales, we have to protect our global reputation. A boycott of our entire nonfiction line by Zoroastrians would cause some agitation among our shareholders.
The editorial board was concerned about the length of your manuscript. Its marketability would be enhanced by trimming approximately 200,000 words and dividing it into a trilogy. Much of the material appears redundant, so you will have to remove Chronicles and three of the Gospel accounts. The concluding chapter, Revelation, seems to have no relation to the rest of the manuscript. We would prefer you to rewrite a conclusion that is more within of the spirit of the piece.
The scenes of violence were rather disturbing, and we would urge you to tone them down before resubmitting.
One of the editors appreciated the strong female characters but felt that because most sacred scriptures involve male deities, perhaps changing Jesus into God's Daughter would help your work stand out from the crowd. We also lamented that God does not have any peers with whom to interact, as this builds character. It worked rather well for the Greeks and the Romans, so you should consider expanding your pantheon.
Jesus needs a love interest.
Your marketing plan concerns us, as you only intend to advertise by word of mouth. We regard your claim to speak every earthly language as far-fetched. Writing the different books in different languages makes it difficult for readers, although it does add to the air of verisimilitude. Please submit a revised marketing strategy along with any credentials you may have and lists of future speaking engagements. Perhaps you could work a sign such as a free fish giveaway with each copy sold, or a water-into-wine tour.
Our marketing director believes there are franchise opportunities if your work catches fire with readers. She outlined the possibilities of calendars with quotations, mugs, children's book spinoffs, plush figures, and Happy Meal toys.
Please send us any thoughts you may have as to a sequel. Does God have any other Sons? Would Jesus consider returning and dying again in a small Midwestern town?
We look forward to receiving your revised manuscript. Thank you for your attention.
Sincerely,
Editor
