Ugh...putting together an Excel spreadsheet for our esteemed Chairman of the BoredBoard, and somewhat inspired by We Shall Not Be Removed, came up with this:
Dear agent:
Jonathan Daggerman is an aspiring writer, who has just completed his very first novel, a 90,000 word mystery titled DEATH OF AN AGENT. Jonathan has a secret, though. Jonathan researches his murder mysteries by murdering people for real.
Following the paths of many great authors, Jonathan starts to query literary agents to find suitable representation for his masterpiece. But soon Jonathan is faced with the harsh reality: his novel is rejected by the top agents in the field, either by sending an insulting form letter or simply by ignoring it. By going silent. It is the silence Jonathan cannot stand. To Jonathan, it is a deathly silence.
In a nondescript office in a New York City office building, an agent reads an email and then hits the delete button. After a moment, the silence is broken by the swish of a blade, followed by the splatter of warm blood on the surface of the desk.
DEATH OF AN AGENT is a 90,000-word completed murder mystery. It may be the last manuscript you ever reject.
Thank you for your time and attention.
Sincerely,
Jonathan Daggerman