Dear Ms./Mrs./Mr. Cool Agent,
I know that’s not your real name, but it’s like a hidden compliment. Get it? Or you could be a hermaphrodite, so it’s multitasking! My mommy says to stay away from hermaphrodites, but I think you guys are cool. Hence ‘cool agent’. ;)
Anyway, I’m writing you on account of my novel,
The Second Completely Original Novel or
Sydney Bristow, Mary Sue, and the Lightsaber of Doom! Sydney Bristow, spy extraordinaire, has supposedly retired from the CIA, hidden on a beach with her husband Michael Vaughn and their two children, super geniuses Isabelle and Jack. Syd’s old partner from her days at the CIA, Dixon, comes to visit her once in a while, and everything seems so normal (Note: this book’s a sequel to my other novel,
The Completely Original Novel or
Alias: Remixed published by PublishAmerica, and then I got more acceptance letters five days later so I published with Lulu.com, iUniverse, and all those other companies that took more of my money, but I didn't care cause everyone knows you have to pay to get books published. Buy my book!) until a perfect, perky, amazingly gorgeous, sixteen-year-old super genius named Mary Sue shows up in Syd’s house and brutally kills her kids (Don’t worry. Syd’s
after the first novel, so her kids were really life-sized cardboard cutouts, and Vaughn didn’t have the heart to tell her that she didn’t really have real kids) and seduces Vaughn, who immediately divorces poor Syd.
After Mary Sue is done wrecking Syd’s life, she leaves and moves on and hops through parallel universes to wreck the lives of Clark Kent, Spock, Oberon (from another completely original work by me entitled A Midwinter Night’s Dream), Alex Rider, Harry Potter, Hannah Montana, Tommy Pickles, Tom Sawyer, Danny Phantom, Bobby Pendragon, The MIB Dudes, The Dude from 300 (another original work of mine), That Dude from Eragon, The blue Dudette from X-Men, Willy Wonka, The chicks from Fruits Basket, Moby Dick, Darth Vader, and Paris Hilton by having them all fall in love with her only for her to overpower them and leave them in an ocean of tears! Syd follows Mary and tries to stop her, and in the end after a big lightsaber battle, Syd wins and Mary Sue says sorry, and everyone still loves her and she’s still perfect and beautiful! (I have a lot of characters, don’t I?)
Now since you’re going to be my agent, I’ll let you in on a little secret. This is an awesome book. All my friends say so. And it started out as a humble fanfic that inspired so much jealousy in reviewers that they flamed me and gave me horrible reviews until my story was burned to a crackly crunch crisp!
Don’t worry. When Scholastic buys it, I’ll change the names of some of the characters a bit. That way, they’ll never be able to tell it was once a fanfic! I’ve changed the characters and stories so much that you can’t tell at all anyway. I mean, can you even tell it was a fanfic from my beautifully polished snippet of the action above? No! Exactly! We’ll be billionaires like a minor character of mine, Lex Luthor!
Another thing you should know. I’m really Mary Sue. I’m that wonderful.
Sydney Bristow, Mary Sue, and the Lightsaber of Doom is a
500,000 word Sci Fi/ Fantasy /Literary Fiction /Women’s Issues /Gay /Lesbian /Action /Adventure /Multicultural (It even has a black person in it!) / Offbeat /Romance /Memoir /Erotica/ YA/ Short Story of epic proportions (I couldn’t really decide what it was, but it’s all of those). Send me my contract. Now.
Sincerely,
Imagonnakickyour Buttifyoudontbuy Mybook
