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Author Topic: The Extraordinary Magical Adventures of Teddy Bair - Rose Colored Glasses CB  (Read 2696 times)
ellerysgridelin
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« on: September 05, 2015, 02:11:14 PM »

Thoughts?  Comments?  Advice? 

Dancing Bear

The Extraordinary Magical Adventures of Teddy Bair
Book One - Rose Colored Glasses
CHAPTER BOOK

Synopsis:

It doesn't always take a pair of rose colored glasses to see magic in the world but sometimes it doesn't hurt to have them.
 
In the perfectly perfect town of Mapleton nothing unusual ever happens, most certainly never anything magical or even a little bit adventurous.  That is until one very strange summer day when Teddy thinks she hears a turtle talk in the park.
 
Investigating to discover why she can suddenly see and hear things that she had never been able to before, Teddy sets off on a quest which leads her to encounter some very talented mice in the attic, a few rather gross trolls in the backyard, and a fairy in the flowers. 
 
Her adventure takes her further than she ever imagined possible when Teddy wishes on a star to summon a griffin and flies to a castle on the moon.  There Teddy meets Kat, the Keeper of the Curtain that separates the magical world from the real world.  Teddy assists Kat and her lunar bunnies to repair the curtain before magic takes over in the real world and receives an amazing gift: Rose Colored Glasses. 

This work of fiction was written to intrigue and captivate adventurous little souls ages 5 to 8 completing at 9527 words and lends itself well to a potential series (The Extraordinary Magical Adventures of Teddy Bair).

Thank you in advance!!
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WayneMeyers
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2015, 10:21:15 AM »

Cut back on the extraneous words like always and sometimes if it reads better. Say it out loud with and without. "It doesn't take a pair of rose-colored glasses to see magic, but it doesn't hurt to have them."

You want each sentence to sound strong and assertive. "Very" and "rather" slow down the sentence without enhancement.

Teddy can hear animals, so 'investigating" seems a weak way to convene this amazing new talent.

I think a better hook would be to start with Teddy hearing a turtle speak. The glasses don't seem to have much to do with this story as they are given at the end. Its also a good idea to introduce the main character first, so the query reader has a person to latch onto. Glasses are inanimate and without a person to use them, no purpose. The town is unadventurous, you say that in the query. Nothing to grip me. But a girl who can hear turtles is interesting and makes me want to find out why and how, and reading how the town used to be unadventurous until she obtained these amazing new powers is more enticing than once that is plans. By the time I read, "That is until one very strange summer day..." I've already pulled back from the query.

And by mentioning the glasses the first, which is an interesting hook, but finding nothing in the rest of the query to link them to the plot, I feel disappointed. Since they are in the title, I'd expect Teddy uses them to help save the world from magic, but the query doesn't state that. If they are just a gift at the end as I'm reading, perhaps the title should be changed, and the second book, when she uses the glasses as part of the overall plot, could have this name. And if I'm wrong about the glasses, you need to make it clear in the query their purpose.

Hope this helps, sounds like a cute story!
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ellerysgridelin
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« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2015, 09:54:56 AM »

Thank you!  I appreciate the in depth analysis and will make these changes right away.  This was the most useful bit of advice I have received to date.  I cannot thank you enough.

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awarwick
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« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2015, 10:59:14 AM »

This actually reads more like a query letter than a synopsis.

A synopsis doesn't have any information on the word count (basically, your last paragraph). A synopsis gives information on the beginning, middle, and end of your story, as well as the character arc. So it would begin something like: "Teddy, a shy, nine-year-old girl, lives in a town where nothing adventurous happens...."

But if it's query feedback you're looking for, I'd post in the query board.
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ellerysgridelin
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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2015, 04:13:41 PM »

Thank you ... It was a bit of both I suppose. 
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