THE CURSED FINGER--Query

[Pandean]

Dear Agent,

I am querying you with a novel of nonfiction--YES! All these events have actually happened. But instead of a boring nonfiction book this is a NOVEL of nonfiction!

Anyway:

Eloise Grey thinks it's a normal day of completing community service hours. Sure, she cut off a kid's finger, but hey, it was an accident and he was a jerk! He deserved it! After another long session of picking up trash on the highway, Eloise is ready to go home and play bloody knuckles with her sexy cousin, Jade. But when a finger brace (you know for like broken fingers?) is discovered in her pocket by a seduction-attempt gone wrong; her luck begins to change.

After she throws the gross brace away, she starts hearing voice of the severed digit saying it shall have it's revenge and her dreams are full of severed fingers dancing around to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. Then the next day while helping Jade, who looks super cool with his shirt off by the way, with his construction company, a brick falls on her finger and squashes it, causing her to go to the emergency room (but Jade carried her so it's okay).

Now misfortune is is sticking to her fingers like glue as one-by-one she cuts them, infects them, and even loses her beautifully manicured french nails (That JADE did, isn't he such a renaissance man?). Then the disembodied finger demands she pay restitution to him and his brethren by giving him all her nail clippings and never getting mani-pedis again--or else it'll not only take her fingers, but Jade's too!

With time running out for her beautiful fingers and her totally-not-made-up relationship with Jade, Eloise will have to make that finger point in another direction or else get used to clipping her nails.

THE CURSED FINGER is a 240,000 word Novel of Nonfiction that is TOTALLY TRUE but also not a regular boring nonfiction novel. It has elements of romance, fantasy, erotica, romance, horror, science fiction, romance, and did I mention romance? Especially the forbidden kind because Jade is so sexy!

This will surely be your next best seller because it's even more terrifying than the Amityville Horror Movie (Or was it a Novel? Either way!) and all the stupid-ass "scary" things there will be today. It's probably even better than Stephen King!

The entire manuscript is attached below along with a contract I had my lawyer right up. I let you have 2% of the royalties because hey that's only fair, right? I did most of the hard work anyway.

I'm excited to accept your offer (and you will offer because why wouldn't you? I'm sure the one hundred agents I've already sent this to with eat it up once they get off their lazy asses and check their email!)

With love,

Eloise Grey

[007 fan]

Dear Ms. Grey,

I'm quite intrigued by your story.  Please send your full MS a.s.a.p. 

I must know if you still have your fingers!  Seriously, how would you pick your nose without them? 

Personally, I sport 6 inch nails, now under heavy guard after the creeping out I received just getting a glimpse of your story!  I have the cleanest nose in town!  I'm so proud.  And no, if you've lost your fingers, you can not use my nails to get any tough booger of yours.  But, I think I can find the right publisher for your novel, and you will make gobs of money and can hire your own nose-picker.

Sincerely,

Mr. Cyrious Boogerhoarder