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Author Topic: The Next Da Vinci code  (Read 5873 times)
bodwen
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« on: November 08, 2008, 04:12:16 PM »

Dear Agent:

I've seen books that your other authors have written and I think they are awful.  I've also seen your picture on your webpage and think you are unattractive.  I've picked you because I wanted to give some unlucky sap her big break.  This novel is going to be huge.  Any moron could sell this book for seven figures because it is the next Da Vinci code. 

How do I know that?  Because it is the Da Vinci code!  Only written from the POV of the guy who dies in the first chapter!  Isn't that a hoot?  The entire novel takes place in the moments after he is shot and before he keels over.  (I literally start with a bang.  That's what we writers call a "hook" in case you didn't know that.)  The story immediately goes into flashback where he remembers waking up and showering, and walking to Mc Donalds to have an egg-muffin and then to the store to buy a paper and a pack of smokes (French people smoke a lot) before calling Dan Brown's character to invite him over.  But the flashback ends abruptly when he remembers he's been shot and he run around like a crazy person writing riddles in invisible ink on priceless paintings (even I explain how the pen got in his pocket) and setting up an elaborate easter egg hunt for his estranged granddaughter and some guy he has never met.  He even manages to hide some of the clues outside, like in that Da Vinci box thingie.  But the really big twist at the end comes when he suddenly remembers that "The secret of the Holy Grail" was safe with his wife this whole time!  Yikes!!!  All he has really accomplished is leaving a message which incriminates an innocent man, and setting up a trail for his killers to use to hunt down the rest of his family!  He should have used all that time and energy to write down who his real killer was!  In horror he crawls over to try to destroy all of these "clues" he's left all over the place but he dies instead. 

That's it.  And yes there is a Mc Donalds in Paris.  my cousin went there and took a picture which I've enclosed because she knew nobody would believe me.  You have to leave it in the story because it is true.  In fact I don't want you mucking with my story at all, so don't bother marking it for revisions.  It's my story that I thought up myself and I'll tell it the way I see fit. 

To save us both some time I'm sending you my full manuscript, so no stealing!  If anything remotely like what I wrote gets published I'm prepared to sue you.

Thank you for your consideration and I'll stop by your office tomorrow to see how it's going.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2008, 04:39:09 PM by bodwen » Logged

Kestrel
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« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2008, 06:16:50 PM »

This is book idea is priceless.  Really, it is.  Not worth half a cent. no clap  rofl  Love the query, though.  That guy must be a very slow bleeder. Grin
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AutumnT
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« Reply #2 on: November 08, 2008, 07:11:13 PM »

hahaha lmao. fan-super-tastic!!! karmas for you!
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jacinda
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« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2008, 02:21:51 PM »

Depressingly, I think this book would sell. 
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Trist
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« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2008, 05:39:18 PM »

Yes, let's insult the agent, that'll really make her warm up to me, yeah… great plan… yeah…  LOLz  That query is absolutely wonderful, I can't see how anyone could turn this money maker down.  Rofl3
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Noctleigh
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« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2009, 10:14:09 AM »

I'd read it in a heartbeat~!
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karaokecrush
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« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2009, 04:05:20 PM »

 Dancing Banana rofl too precious for words!  karma for that one. I love the "isn't that a hoot?"  Yes, it is!!!

"That's it.  And yes there is a Mc Donalds in Paris."  I had to laugh at this ... I've been there too ... back in the 80's they used to have dance parties there late at night (no joke, it had two floors) It's right on the Champs Elysee (apologies for the spelling.)  I HOPE THEY'VE REDECORATED SINCE THEN ---  eek Ha ha!  Thanks for making me smile, I needed it!  Crush  Yes
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YukonMike
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« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2009, 08:48:05 PM »

 Grin Grin clap clap

I laughed out loud. (Sorry, I'm too old school to write LOL).
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lisarogers
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« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2009, 02:09:41 PM »

 
Absolutly wonderful!!!!!!!!!  The only thing I could possibly think of to change would be be where you said:  "In fact I don't want you mucking with my story at all, so don't bother marking it for revisions.  It's my story that I thought up myself and I'll tell it the way I see fit."
Shouldn't it be It's my story that I came up with by myself...
Just a suggestion but I'm sure it's going to be a hit Karma to you!!!
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« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2013, 02:00:52 PM »

To save us both some time I'm sending you my full manuscript, so no stealing!  If anything remotely like what I wrote gets published I'm prepared to sue you.

Thank you for your consideration and I'll stop by your office tomorrow to see how it's going.

That made my day!! Hilarious!!!
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oldbag
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Which button do I push to take the damn picture?


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« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2013, 04:03:31 PM »

Bodwen,

LOL - I missed this classic the first time around...

Thanx for the resurrection, sheluvspink!

Karma all around!

-oldbag
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eallen99
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« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2013, 07:34:58 PM »

Cherish you I do.

 Kneel Suckers
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Nostrabuttus
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« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2013, 04:35:23 AM »

Please let me know if you receive a request for a full. I'm trying to find an agent with a sense of humor.
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Author of humorous short stories, mainstream suspense, mystery, and thriller novels.

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urschel
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« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2013, 01:58:40 PM »

Have you sent this to queryshark? Meets all her rules.

Nice job.
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