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Author Topic: The Universe From His Balcony  (Read 4639 times)
Avest
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« on: March 06, 2016, 12:22:29 AM »

A young man, with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, leaves his home to study in India. Full of passion for learning in this new country, he hopes to immerse himself in philosophy.
However, iDas soon discovers that the pursuit of knowledge can be an isolating occupation. And despite his efforts to find meaning in life, he begins to see nothing but meaninglessness all around him. As he becomes more withdrawn, his friends try to drag him from his introspection. And, on a rare night out, iDas meets a young woman who is, at first glance, his complete opposite. SADEE is beautiful and fashionable, she’s always dressed well and she can name every shade of green. Unlike, iDas, she seems happy and sociable. But, just like him, she is searching for a larger meaning to life. And she realizes she’s found it when she meets him.
The unlikely pair begin a relationship, but iDas is unable to connect with her. Lost in his own thoughts, he’s incapable of giving Sadee what she desperately needs: his eyes on hers. Having silently begged for his undivided attention, and long evenings spent wishing he would really see her, Sadee eventually gives up hope of breaking into the heavily guarded walls he keeps around himself.
His life seeming to sink further from the rest of humanity, iDas is persuaded by his friends to visit a psychiatrist, who diagnoses him with schizophrenia. iDas takes the medication but struggles to accept his condition,  saying it disregards every one of his thoughts and feelings as the delusions of a madman.
Growing ever more desperate to make himself immortal by uncovering one of the mysteries of the universe, iDas pushes away thoughts of Sadee, knowing that she will pass unremembered by the history of civilization just as billions of humans have done before. He, however, cannot be one of them.
But he can’t entirely forget her. And when their paths cross again, he is unable to deny the pull he feels toward her.
In the end, when iDas finds out the true nature of psychology, that it has no cure for schizophrenia, he decides to leave the country and forget the woman who loves him.
On his way to the airport, he discovers that the woman wanted to show him that the true meaning of existence was right in front of him all along.
The story ends when iDas is on board, where, sinking in his seat, he secretly tells himself: It’s the deepest desire of the human heart to ask ‘what happened to the one my heart once knew?’ I wouldn’t care if I die without knowing the many secrets of this universe, and without seeing many tricks of life, and without writing some pages about it. But if I die without knowing what happened to the one my heart once knew, I’ll die unhappy.
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suja
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« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2016, 07:58:16 AM »

Hi, a quick note. My comments are just my opinions. Please take what works, discard the rest.

A young man, with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, leaves his homeWhere's his home? You could add it in here. It might help characterize him. Example- ...leaves his home in California to study in India. Full of passion for learning in this new country, he hopes to immerse himself in philosophy.
However, iDascapitalize his name soon discovers that the pursuit of knowledge can be an isolating occupation. And despite his efforts to find meaning in life, he begins to see nothing but meaninglessness all around him. As he becomes more withdrawn, his friends try to drag him from his introspection. And, on a rare night out, iDas meets a young woman who is, at first glance, his complete opposite. SADEE is beautiful and fashionable, she’s always dressed wellimplied, when you say she's fashionable and she can name every shade of greenNot sure I get the significance of this. Do you mean she's intelligent, or well-versed? . Unlike, iDas, she seems happy and sociable. But, just like him, she is searching for a larger meaning to life. And she realizes she’s found it when she meets him.
The unlikely pair begin a relationship, but iDas is unable to connect with her. Lost in his own thoughts, he’s incapable of giving Sadee what she desperately needs: his eyes on hersAgain, not sure what this means. Are you saying she wants his attention?. Having silently begged for his undivided attention, and long evenings spent wishing he would really see her, Sadee eventually gives up hope of breaking into the heavily guarded walls he keeps around himselfConsider condensing by saying she gives up hope of breaking through his self-imposed barriers..
His life seeming to sink further from the rest of humanity, iDas is persuaded by his friends to visit a psychiatrist, who diagnoses him with schizophrenia. iDas takes the medication but struggles to accept his condition,  saying it disregards every one of his thoughts and feelings as the delusions of a madman.
Growing ever more desperate to make himself immortal by uncovering one of the mysteries of the universethis makes me think he's got grandiose ideas. Does he want to find the meaning of life, or does he want immortality? Because the two seem contradictory. , iDas pushes away thoughts of Sadee, knowing that she will pass unremembered by the history of civilization just as billions of humans have done before. He, however, cannot be one of themThis makes him an unlikable character, at least to me. He's pushing her away because he thinks he's too good for her? Consider rewording. I know you state later that he does realize his mistake. But you don't want to turn people off before we get to that part. You could say he pushes Sadee away because he believes his work isn't done..
But he can’t entirely forget her. And when their paths cross again, he is unable to deny the pull he feels toward her.
In the end, when iDas finds out the true nature of psychology, that it has no cure for schizophrenia, he decides to leave the country and forget the woman who loves him.
On his way to the airport, he discovers that the woman wanted to show him that the true meaning of existence was right in front of him all along.
The story ends when iDas is on board, where, sinking in his seat, he secretly tells himself: It’s the deepest desire of the human heart to ask ‘what happened to the one my heart once knew?’ I wouldn’t care if I die without knowing the many secrets of this universe, and without seeing many tricks of life, and without writing some pages about it. But if I die without knowing what happened to the one my heart once knew, I’ll die unhappy. Does he go back for her?Since this is a synopsis, consider giving the ending as well.


Nice concept. Sorry for all the comments. Hope it didn't seem harsh. Please let me know if you have any Qs.
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