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Author Topic: DEATH'S ALLY Synopsis 1st attempt  (Read 1488 times)
wes43202
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« on: March 30, 2016, 03:04:57 PM »

This runs right at one page, 580 words.


Twenty-year-old GRIFFON ROTHART is a necromancer living in a dystopian society that is magically aware, but not magically friendly. In fact, witches, warlocks, vampires and the like are hunted and killed for money.

Griffon works at Laurel Hills funeral home and cemetery in Fitchburg, Massachusetts, just a stone's throw away from the witch-hating capital of the world, Salem. With some help from his vampire friend, AMITY PAGE, Griffon goes about his lifelong mission of resurrecting his father, who was murdered when Griffon was eight. The key to a full resurrection is the body of the deceased, which turns out to be a tall order when Griffon realizes his father's remains are scattered in six different places. Along the macabre journey, Griffon finds his father's signet ring, which he believes to be a sign of success. It turns out to be a curse in disguise, and every step closer to reassembling his father's body drives Griffon deeper into madness.

Madness may be exactly what ALISTAIR BOECKMAN wants from Griffon. Alistair is known as the voice and face of the Cleanse—the name given to the nationwide purge of all things supernatural. He was in attendance at Griffon's father's death, and makes himself known to Griffon early on as an unexpected supporter of the resurrection effort. Alistair does all he can to trap Griffon in the Quincy Center, a mental institution turned prison. While being kept there, Griffon learns that the other patients are actually witches who have recanted magic to avoid death, and lost more than their power because of it.

Griffon's seventeen-year-old sister, GRETA HATHAWAY, has problems of her own, and causes a few for her brother by being a member of the Anti-Supernatural Association, an activist group that supports the Cleanse in all its murderous glory. Greta has long been conflicted in her stance on magic, and wishes Griffon would recant despite the risks. Her friends in the ASA cause a stir when they decide to try their hands at hunting and seek out a vampire in its "natural habitat." What is a vampire’s natural habitat, you ask? A cemetery. Not any cemetery. The cemetery where Griffon works and Amity, the vampire, lives.

Before the wannabe hunters cause too much trouble, the police are called on Griffon. His escapades trying to escape Alistair’s clutches left a body count, and he's a wanted man.

When Griffon is taken into custody, a guilty verdict seems a foregone conclusion. His history as a troubled youth had him slated for a life of crime, and this outcome appeared inevitable. All-knowing Alistair appears and leverages his political influence and jurisdiction in matters of the supernatural by declaring to a swarm of media personnel that Griffon is a warlock.

Griffon is transported to the Quincy Center once again. He is left to consider the choice of recanting and succumbing to madness or being executed. His father’s resurrection seems as impossible as ever, and it turns out Amity’s life is at risk, as well. NYX WHITNEY, a pyromancer, rushes to his aid, though she's the one who needs saving in the end as Griffon escapes Alistair’s grasp a final time.

Griffon returns home to Fitchburg to tell Greta he's leaving, and they are confronted by the ASA members. An attempt at bullying becomes so much more and Greta manifests power as a witch for the first time. She and Griffon make a quick getaway, and he is left wondering what exactly his always human sister just did.
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suja
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« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2016, 07:40:09 AM »

This runs right at one page, 580 words.


Twenty-year-old GRIFFON ROTHART is a necromancer living in a dystopian society that is magically aware, but not magically friendly. In fact, witches, warlocks, vampires and the like are hunted and killed for money. nice way to set the story

Griffon works at Laurel Hills funeral home and cemetery in Fitchburg, Massachusetts not sure you need the exact name of the funeral home he works at. Why not just - ...at a funeral home a stone's..., just a stone's throw away from the witch-hating capital of the world, Salem. With some help from his vampire friend, AMITY PAGE, Griffon goes about his lifelong mission of resurrecting his father, who was murdered when Griffon was eight. The key to a full resurrection is the body of the deceased, which turns out to be a tall order when Griffon realizes his father's remains are scattered in six different places. Along the macabre journey, Griffon finds his father's signet ring, which he believes to be a sign of success. It turns out to be a curse in disguise, and every step closer to reassembling his father's body drives Griffon deeper into madness.I don't get the significance of the ring, I'm sorry. The way you mention it, I thought it'll come up again in the synopsis as the cause of his madness. But I haven't seen that connection, so I'm wondering why mention it? I like the way you set the story up, though. Good job.

Madness may be exactly what ALISTAIR BOECKMAN wants from Griffon. Alistair is known as the voice and face of the Cleanse—the name given to the nationwide purge of all things supernatural. He was in attendance at Griffon's father's death, and makes himself known to Griffon early on as an unexpected supporter of the resurrection effort Do you mean he tricked Griffon into believing he was a supporter, in order to imprison him?. Alistair does all he can to trap Griffon in the Quincy Center, a mental institution turned prison. While being kept there, Griffon learns that the other patients are actually witches who have recanted magic to avoid death, and lost more than their power because of it.

Griffon's seventeen-year-old sister, GRETA HATHAWAY, has problems of her own, and causes a few for her brother by being a member of the Anti-Supernatural Association, an activist group that supports the Cleanse in all its murderous glory. Greta has long been conflicted in her stance on magic, and wishes Griffon would recant despite the risks. Her friends in the ASA cause a stir when they decide to try their hands at hunting and seek out a vampire in its "natural habitat." What is a vampire’s natural habitat, you ask? A cemetery. Not any cemetery. The cemetery where Griffon works and Amity, the vampire, lives. You said the ASA supports the Cleanse. So why would the ASA members' attempt at hunting create a stir? I'd think that's what they do, hunt them. You could condense the last 3 lines by just saying the ASA is after vampires and pick Amity's cemetery as hunting ground. The other issue I have here is continuity. Right now, I'm under the impression Griffon is imprisoned at Quincy. But I don't see that continued here, despite Griffon being the MC. Or is this multiple POV?

Before the wannabe hunters cause too much trouble, the police are called on Griffon. His escapades trying to escape Alistair’s clutches left a body count, and he's a wanted man. Okay, so he's not in prison? Did he escape? I love the way you word your sentences, but consider providing a timeline. Griffon was in prison. He saw the witches. He escapes how?

When Griffon is taken into custody, a guilty verdict seems a foregone conclusion. His history as a troubled youth had him slated for a life of crime, and this outcome appeared inevitable. All-knowing Alistair appears and leverages his political influence and jurisdiction in matters of the supernatural by declaring to a swarm of media personnel that Griffon is a warlock.

Griffon is transported to the Quincy Center once again. He is left to consider the choice of recanting and succumbing to madness or being executed. His father’s resurrection seems as impossible as ever, and it turns out Amity’s life is at risk, as well. NYX WHITNEY, a pyromancer, rushes to his aid, though she's the one who needs saving in the endHow? As in, how does she need saving? The way you state is rather vague. You could replace - she's teh one who needs saving in the end - with more specifics. as Griffon escapes Alistair’s grasp a final time.

Griffon returns home to Fitchburg to tell Greta he's leaving, and they are confronted by the ASA members. An attempt at bullying becomes so much more and Greta manifests power as a witch for the first time Nice!!! So she does end up needing her own ability.. She and Griffon make a quick getaway, and he is left wondering what exactly his always human sister just did.

I love the wording and the sentences. The synopsis reads smooth. I just had a few nitpicks on continuity and some vagueness. Let me know if you have any questions. Please take what works and discard the rest.
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