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Author Topic: The Actions Of: Horror/Thriller  (Read 3563 times)
heyuhaveaniceday
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« on: September 07, 2016, 07:01:24 PM »

I've never done one of these before, so I'm interested to know what you think.
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A coming of age murder story shows how even the actions of a small dog barking in the park can lead to the apocalypse. The ambiguity of human morality is examined and the reader may determine for themselves who they believe is right or wrong. 
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24_Stars
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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2016, 02:23:06 PM »

Let's see what I can do to help you here.

"A coming of age murder story shows how a small dog's barking can lead to the apocalypse."

Anyone may correct me if they have a better suggestion. My intention is to simplify the sentence and chop off some possible extra wording. "Just" would be a little too dumbed down to replace "even," so that is why I removed the word altogether. That is how I came to this.

As for your second sentence, I am not sure if it's part of the pitch, so I am leaving that alone.
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heyuhaveaniceday
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« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2016, 04:33:35 PM »

Let's see what I can do to help you here.

"A coming of age murder story shows how a small dog's barking can lead to the apocalypse."

Anyone may correct me if they have a better suggestion. My intention is to simplify the sentence and chop off some possible extra wording. "Just" would be a little too dumbed down to replace "even," so that is why I removed the word altogether. That is how I came to this.

As for your second sentence, I am not sure if it's part of the pitch, so I am leaving that alone.

The reason I included "the actions of" in that sentence was because it was the title of the book. The second sentence is also part of it. I like the idea of simplifying it!
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Munley
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« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2016, 08:34:45 PM »

The first sentence is intriguing. Try going on from there. It must set the next phase in motion somehow, in a way that makes the Apocalypse inevitable. How about giving some hint of that? I think you need to address the chain of events, even if it's just the next link.

The second sentence is more about the reader than the book. The comment about morality is too broad to be meaningful, and it doesn't connect with the first sentence.
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