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Author Topic: Pitch for 10 Part Mini-series  (Read 7740 times)
JohnPansini
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« on: October 06, 2016, 11:40:06 AM »

I'm working on a mini-series for HBO, Netflix, or whomever wants it. Can't get any feedback on my screenwriters forum so I'm posting it here on QT. A pitch is a pitch.
Thanks in advance,
JP

Log Line for BLACK RUSSIAN:

In the waning days of the Cold War:

A black Soviet intelligence officer, with an American-born father and Russian mother, is forced to choose between a collapsing Soviet Union and an enormous sum of money to be CIA's eyes and ears inside the Kremlin.

An American roofer, with a master’s degree in library science, becomes a double agent for the FBI. He must choose between his admiration for the black Soviet intelligence officer and duty to his country.

Based on a true story.
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cdecho
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« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2016, 11:55:34 PM »

Hmmm. Are the black Russian and the roofing librarian two different possible lead characters? I can't decide which I like better. Could you have both? Like roofer hooks up with Russian and they have to work together?
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Munley
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« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2016, 01:18:42 AM »

I don't know much about loglines for movies, but I came across this site when I decided to start my query with a logline on this try:

http://thestorydepartment.com/what-is-a-logline/

The whole site is on screenwriting. Thought you might find it interesting. Maybe you've already come across it.
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mayachhabra
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« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2016, 09:12:44 PM »

Seems a little long.

Maybe "A black intel officer for the collapsing Soviet Union and an American roofer turned FBI double-agent find their loyalties tested when [insert inciting event her]. Based on a true story."
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cdecho
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« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2016, 10:54:44 PM »

I like that.
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JohnPansini
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« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2016, 08:10:36 PM »

I like it too. Thanks, mayachhabra!
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JohnPansini
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« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2016, 09:25:51 AM »

A special thanks to all of you who have commented on this post. Here's the final product:

A black intelligence officer for the collapsing Soviet Union and an American roofer and double​ agent for the FBI find their loyalties tested when each is betrayed by his own government. Based on a true story.


Again, thanks, especially mayachhabra!

JP
« Last Edit: October 13, 2016, 09:28:55 AM by JohnPansini » Logged
mayachhabra
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« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2016, 04:05:01 PM »

No problem!
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Munley
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« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2016, 04:20:35 PM »

Are these two double agents connected to each other in any way?
Do they cross paths at all?

As written, the pitch sounds as if it is describing two different screenplays unrelated to each other in any way. Is that how it is? If not, I think the pitch should give some idea in what way the cross paths.
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JohnPansini
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« Reply #9 on: October 15, 2016, 10:45:15 AM »

Good point, Munley. The roofer and the double agent are the same person, so it should read,

"... roofer who is also a double agent for the FBI..."

Thanks,
JP
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