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Author Topic: The Wizard and the Knightmare Opening Lines - YA Fantasy  (Read 2334 times)
JEC112
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« on: December 01, 2016, 10:43:46 AM »

As Frank Williams read his favorite scene in his favorite book, his arm mimicked the movements of the curse-shattering sword-fight. Unfortunately for him, the only curse he really encountered came in the form of an unjust bedtime.
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Falthor
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)


« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2016, 12:38:52 PM »

while I like the thought that the words are conveying, it sounds more like a line from a query than a line form a book to me.
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“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.”

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jcwrites
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« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2016, 01:41:55 PM »

Unfortunately for him, the only curse he really encountered came in the form of an unjust bedtime.
I'm not following the logic: Why is having such a trivial curse an unfortunate thing? Seems it would be just the opposite, a good thing.
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slightlysmall
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« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2016, 07:48:20 PM »

Unfortunately for him, the only curse he really encountered came in the form of an unjust bedtime.
I'm not following the logic: Why is having such a trivial curse an unfortunate thing? Seems it would be just the opposite, a good thing.

My guess is it's not a legitimate curse, but a child who believes he's cursed. I.e., he wants magic in his world, but all he gets is a bedtime.

JEC, I quite like it. Reads a bit too MG if you're going for YA, but it's a solid start to a portal fantasy. (Although IDK how well portal fantasies are going right now.)
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jcwrites
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« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2016, 08:11:11 PM »

Okay, I get it. The YA threw me.
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mgmystery
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« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2016, 07:22:07 AM »

I like it for MG too! The whole "My life is so boring" thing really fits for that age. You might consider reversing the order of the first sentence: Frank Williams' arm mimicked the movements of the curse-shattering sword fight as he read the best scene in his favorite book.
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dragoness
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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2016, 02:46:26 AM »

I think that beginning with indignation of injustice is great!  clap

Yet, IMHO, beginning with a reading scene is not unique and interesting enough. I think it's better to start with other description of his indignation of injustice, both of his parents' and his book's.

If you do start with the reading, I prefer mgmystery's wording, when his actions come before his reading.
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BarryW54
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« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2016, 12:32:49 PM »

I can see it now. As Young Frank fights the fire-breathing dragon that guards the castle's wealth, his mother calls, "Fraaaank, time for bed dear!"  clap I like it.
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vivaviolet
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« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2017, 11:29:32 AM »

Yep, sounds like MG--maybe because of the unjust bedtime?  I liked this. Nice and wry. 
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JEC112
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« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2017, 09:08:53 AM »

Frank Williams's eyes soaked in the words from his favorite scene in his favorite book, and his arm mimicked the movement of the curse-shattering shattering sword-fight. But unlike the brave heroes in his stories, Frank's adventure came to an end with the call of his name.
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samcantcook
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« Reply #10 on: April 26, 2017, 10:25:33 AM »

Hey! I prefer the first one. Both are good, but the first one has more voice for me.
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