Angel in an Iron Ring Pitch

[JEC112]

When Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel saves him from an assassination attempt, he agrees to solve her murder, only to learn he may have caused her death in the first place.

[drose]

I think this is great.

[yqwertz]

When Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel saves him from an assassination attempt, he agrees to solve her murder, only to learn he may have caused her death in the first place.

My tongue trips over the phrase "an assassination attempt". You might be better off with replacing that phrase by "being killed". The beats are a better fit with the rest of the sentence.

[samcantcook]

Intriguing!

[24_Stars]

I agree with yqwertz on that part with "assassination attempt." I'd also replace that second comma with a hyphen. You don't have to do my suggestion though.

Sentences with hyphens breaking them easily catches my eye. Also feels kind of appropriate due to the detail in this sentence.

[Waterfall]

This is pretty intriguing. A couple of thoughts. One is that I think you've got a couple more floors to go on the elevator. What would your second sentence be? What's the next phase of the story?

The second is the use of the possessive: "Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel." Has she intervened on his behalf before? Is this an ongoing protective relationship? Or is this the first time she's saved his bacon? The use of the possessive seems to indicate that she's sort of "assigned to him." If that's the case, that relationship could become part of the pitch as well.

I'd totally be ready to read the beginning of the story based on this intro.

[grumbles13]

I agree with yqwertz - maybe just say "being murdered" or "murder" - otherwise it is an intriguing concept!