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Author Topic: Angel in an Iron Ring Pitch  (Read 3184 times)
JEC112
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« on: January 13, 2017, 10:46:19 PM »

When Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel saves him from an assassination attempt, he agrees to solve her murder, only to learn he may have caused her death in the first place.
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drose
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« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2017, 08:03:38 AM »

I think this is great.
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yqwertz
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« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2017, 03:50:13 AM »

When Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel saves him from an assassination attempt, he agrees to solve her murder, only to learn he may have caused her death in the first place.

My tongue trips over the phrase "an assassination attempt". You might be better off with replacing that phrase by "being killed". The beats are a better fit with the rest of the sentence.
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samcantcook
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« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2017, 11:53:09 AM »

Intriguing!
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24_Stars
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« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 03:09:08 PM »

I agree with yqwertz on that part with "assassination attempt." I'd also replace that second comma with a hyphen. You don't have to do my suggestion though.

Sentences with hyphens breaking them easily catches my eye. Also feels kind of appropriate due to the detail in this sentence.
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