QueryTracker Community
September 24, 2017, 10:53:36 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Angel in an Iron Ring Pitch  (Read 5559 times)
JEC112
Full Member
***

Karma: 15
Offline Offline

Posts: 96


« on: January 13, 2017, 10:46:19 PM »

When Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel saves him from an assassination attempt, he agrees to solve her murder, only to learn he may have caused her death in the first place.
Logged
drose
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 3
Offline Offline

Posts: 46



« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2017, 08:03:38 AM »

I think this is great.
Logged
yqwertz
Newbie
*

Karma: 3
Offline Offline

Posts: 13


« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2017, 03:50:13 AM »

When Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel saves him from an assassination attempt, he agrees to solve her murder, only to learn he may have caused her death in the first place.

My tongue trips over the phrase "an assassination attempt". You might be better off with replacing that phrase by "being killed". The beats are a better fit with the rest of the sentence.
Logged
samcantcook
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 39
Offline Offline

Posts: 167



« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2017, 11:53:09 AM »

Intriguing!
Logged
24_Stars
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 13
Offline Offline

Posts: 334


Patience and perserverance is key to success.


« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2017, 03:09:08 PM »

I agree with yqwertz on that part with "assassination attempt." I'd also replace that second comma with a hyphen. You don't have to do my suggestion though.

Sentences with hyphens breaking them easily catches my eye. Also feels kind of appropriate due to the detail in this sentence.
Logged
Waterfall
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 9
Offline Offline

Posts: 48


WWW
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2017, 10:06:26 PM »

This is pretty intriguing. A couple of thoughts. One is that I think you've got a couple more floors to go on the elevator. Smiley What would your second sentence be? What's the next phase of the story?

The second is the use of the possessive: "Detective Max Herczeg's guardian angel." Has she intervened on his behalf before? Is this an ongoing protective relationship? Or is this the first time she's saved his bacon? The use of the possessive seems to indicate that she's sort of "assigned to him." If that's the case, that relationship could become part of the pitch as well.

I'd totally be ready to read the beginning of the story based on this intro.
Logged
grumbles13
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 18
Offline Offline

Posts: 104



WWW
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2017, 11:52:37 AM »

I agree with yqwertz - maybe just say "being murdered" or "murder" - otherwise it is an intriguing concept!
Logged

A WHISPERED DARKNESS - Available now from Month9Books!
SUPERFREAK - coming 2015 from Tantrum Books!
Check out the latest doings at my website: http://www.vanessabarger.com
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!