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Author Topic: Minor Demon- Ya urban fantasy (3rd)  (Read 1729 times)
SheHound
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Just how I feel sometimes.


« on: February 06, 2017, 05:02:08 PM »

Hello everyone,
I'm really nervous about my synopsis and I really want to get it right. So any help would be appreciated.
Here we go, terrified but doing it. Smiley

15-year-old orphan EMILY has had a difficult life. Now returning to the city of San Librada to attend St. Adela’s boarding school where her sleepwalking worsens. She wakes up covered in blood and the strange voice she hears from time to time has only gotten chattier. He says he is RONWE the demon possessing her. Uncertainty in her own sanity leads to her being admitted to the hospital for a mental health evaluation.
            Emily finds out the city of San Librada is a more dangerous place than she remembers.
SHELIA the nurse who is supposed to be overseeing Emily examinations isn't what she seems. After Emily is almost sold by Shelia, she finds out that's what Shelia has been doing to female patients to gain the hegemon’s favor. The other nurse MELISSA is someone Emily never expected to see. Her childhood bully who had died in a horrific fire that Emily had survived. When Ronwe saves Emily from being a sacrifice by Melissa to fore fill her pact, she believes what Ronwe had told her.
It becomes all too clear the only way to get rid of Ronwe is to retrieve his vessel from SONNEILLON the demon that had forced them into this cohabitation. The only catch is human bodies can’t keep functioning under the strain of two souls. 
Well, finding this Sonneillon is harder said than done. When looking for him it gets her caught by a religious faction which uses gargoyles to hunt demons. This leads her to learn the extent of the demons corruption leaving only a husk of the human with no will of its own.
After what Emily considers divine intervention, the church releases her with no aid and no way to fight Sonneillon. When a hellhound kills her sister leaving Emily with little reason to care about her own life. She is set on revenge.
The idea of swaying Sonneillon's captive angel to her side is no longer an option seeing as it has fallen. Emily engages in a bloody battle killing the fallen angel and burning down the hegemon's house. With her mind made Emily decides to kill Sonneillon and save Ronwe. However, Sonneillon isn't as weak as the other demons.
 Emily realizes she is no match for him.
 In forgoing Ronwe chance to get his vessel back he saves Emily by sacrificing himself to help kill Sonneillon. With nowhere else to go she returns to her abandoned childhood house. A child appears to relay a cryptic message from Ronwe saying he isn't dead and he will return.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2017, 07:56:37 AM by SheHound » Logged
Rhapsodeste
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2017, 06:16:14 AM »

I applaud your courage! This is for sure one of the hardest parts of writing. You're definitely in a judgement-free zone where everyone is having the same struggles. And yours isn't terrible! Yay! However, I think it needs more work. This article helped me (at least I think it did) keep a straight, focused plot. It's almost like a fill in the blank, to an extent. http://www.publishingcrawl.com/2012/04/17/how-to-write-a-1-page-synopsis/ Because I think you're getting caught up in some subplots you don't need to and it's confusing the main story because then I just have more questions rather than understanding the basic plot, if that makes sense. I also think your tone is a bit too casual like you're verbally telling me the story which wastes precious words with "well"s and asides.

But again! This is a great start and much better than my first several starts. You're on the right track.



After x-time away for reasons,15-year-old orphan EMILY has had a difficult life. Now returning returns to the city of San Librada to attend St. Adela’s boarding school where her sleepwalking worsens. She wakes up covered in blood and the strange voice she hears from time to time has only gotten chattier. He says he is RONWE the demon possessing her. in her Uncertainty Questioning herown sanity leads to her to being admitted to the hospital for a mental health evaluation.

There,Emily finds out the city of San Librada is a more dangerous place than she remembers.

SHELIA the nurse who is supposed to be overseeing Emily examinations isn't what she seems. After Emily is almost sold by Shelia, she finds out that's what
Shelia has been doing to female patients to gain the hegemon’s favor. The other nurse MELISSA is someone Emily never expected to see. Her childhood bully who had died in a horrific fire that Emily had survived. When Ronwe saves Emily from being a sacrifice by Melissa to fore fill fulfillher pact, she believes what Ronwe had told her.

It becomes all too clear the only way to get rid of Ronwe if Ronwe just saved her life, why does she want to get rid of him? is to retrieve his vessel from SONNEILLON, the demon that had forced them into this cohabitation. The only catch is human bodies can’t keep functioning under the strain of two souls.
 
Well, finding this Sonneillon is harder said than done. When looking for him it gets her caught by a religious faction which uses gargoyles to hunt demons. This leads her to learn the extent of the demons corruption leaving only a husk of the human with no will of its own.

After what Emily considers divine intervention, the church the religious faction of above?releases her with no aid and no way to fight Sonneillon. When a hellhound kills her sister leaving Emily with little reason to care about her own life. She is set on revenge. I'm lost

The idea of swaying Sonneillon's captive angel what? captive angel? to her side is no longer an option seeing as it has fallen. Emily engages in a bloody battle killing the fallen angel and burning down the hegemon's house. With her mind made Emily decides to kill Sonneillon and save Ronwe. However, Sonneillon isn't as weak as the other demons.

Emily realizes she is no match for him.

In forgoing Ronwe chance to get his vessel back he saves Emily by sacrificing himself to help kill Sonneillon. With nowhere else to go she returns to her abandoned childhood house. A child appears to relay a cryptic message from Ronwe saying he isn't dead and he will return.
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SheHound
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Just how I feel sometimes.


« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2017, 12:02:19 PM »

Thanks for all the help. I'm working on the link you sent me. I know the bare bones. I just need to figure out how to make them more attractive.

*Emily's been away for five years because she was adopted after her family died in a fire that she survived.
*She is a frequent sleepwalker and wants to just forget her past.
*Then when she comes back to San Librada with her sister Violet. Emily's Sleepwalking gets worse and she wakes up covered in blood. And the voice in her head she hears sometimes is chattier. Say's he Ronwe a demon possessing her after a demon sonneillion stole his vessel.
*She doesn't quite trust him. He say's two souls in a single body will die because a human vessel can't hold two souls. So he needs to get his vessel back quickly. And if he is still possessing her and her vessel dies then they both die.
*After trying to hunt down Sonneillon. He sends a hell hound meant to kill Emily ends up killing her sister. Emily is set on revenge to having only Ronwe left she determined to kill Sonneillon.
* It neve occurs to Emily that Ronwe is becoming weaker and she finds herself over her head trying to fight Sonneillon. When Am is certain of her own demise Ronwe gives up his chance at getting his body back to spare Emily.
*Emily survives and returned to her once burnt down home to meet a girl sent from hell with a message from Ronwe to Emily.
 
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SheHound
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Just how I feel sometimes.


« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2017, 06:41:38 PM »

Okay! Here I go! Kind of bare boning it.... (That sounds wrong oh, well.)



Being a sleepwalker at 15-years-old is hard enough for orphan EMILY. What’s harder is being sent back to San Librada a city where Emily’s parents died in a house fire to attend a boarding school with her sister VIOLET. After a single disastrous night of sleepwalking she wakes up covered in blood and the voice she hears from time to time has only gotten chattier. He says he is RONWE the demon possessing her.

            He warns her two souls can’t share the same body. If the body died so do the both of them. The only way to get rid of Ronwe is to retrieve his vessel from SONNEILLON, the demon that forced them into this cohabitation.  

            To Emily’s dismay, her life is torn from her when a hellhound shows up killing her sister leaving her with nothing but Ronwe.  With her mind made Emily decides to kill Sonneillon and save Ronwe. However, Sonneillon isn't as weak as the other demons.

It never occurs to Emily that Ronwe is becoming weaker and she finds herself over her head trying to fight Sonneillon. When Emily is certain of her own demise Ronwe gives up his chance to regain his vessel to sacrifice his life in order to spare Emily. With nowhere else to go, she goes to her once burnt down home to meet a girl sent from hell with a message from Ronwe for Emily. 
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Rhapsodeste
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2017, 10:56:15 PM »

SO MUCH BETTER!  (and I laughed at the bare-boning... safety first! lol) Very clear, I can get all the main points and I'm not distracted by any questions, etc. I did some edits for clarity, but do with them what you will----including ignore them!




Being a sleepwalker at 15-years-old is hard enough for orphan EMILY. What’s harder is being sent back to San Librada a city where Emily’s parents died in a house fire to attend a boarding school with her sister VIOLET. After a single disastrous night of sleepwalking, she wakes up covered in blood and the voice she hears from time to time has only gotten chattier. He says he is RONWE the demon possessing her.

He warns her two souls are too much for one body to share for long. If her body dies, then they both do.can’t share the same body for long[/color]. If the body died so do the both of them. But Ronwe isn't going anywhere until Emily helps him The only way to get rid of Ronwe is to retrieve his vessel from SONNEILLON, the demon that forced them into this cohabitation. 

To Emily’s dismay, her life is torn from her when a hellhound shows up killing kills her sister Violetleaving her with nothing but Ronwe.  With her mind made Emily decides to kill Sonneillon and save Ronwe. However, Sonneillon isn't as weak as the other demons. stronger than other demons, including Ronwe.

It never occurs to Emily that Ronwe is becoming weaker and
Now she finds herself over her head trying to fight Sonneillon. When Emily is certain of her own demise, Ronwe gives up his chance to regain his vessel to sacrifice his life in order to spare Emily. With nowhere else to go, she goes to her once burnt down home to meet a girl sent from hell with a message from Ronwe for Emily.
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SheHound
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Just how I feel sometimes.


« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2017, 07:55:35 AM »

(Third times a charm.)Thanks you guys are AWESOME! Big thanks to Rhapsodeste.

Being a sleepwalker at 15-years-old is hard enough for orphan EMILY. What’s harder is being sent back to San Librada a city where Emily’s parents died in a house fire to attend a boarding school with her sister VIOLET. After a single disastrous night of sleepwalking, she wakes up covered in blood and the voice she hears from time to time has only gotten chattier. He says he is RONWE the demon possessing her.

He warns her two souls are too much for one body to share for long. If her body dies, then they both do.But Ronwe isn't going anywhere until Emily helps him retrieve his vessel from SONNEILLON, the demon that forced them into this cohabitation.

To Emily's dismay, her life is torn from her when a hellhound kills Violet leaving her with nothing but Ronwe. Emily decides to kill Sonneillon and save Ronwe. However, Sonneillon stronger than other demons, including Ronwe.

Now she finds herself over her head trying to fight Sonneillon. When Emily is certain of her own demise, Ronwe gives up his chance to regain his vessel to sacrifice his life in order to spare Emily. With nowhere else to go, she goes to her once burnt down home to meet a girl sent from hell with a message from Ronwe for Emily.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2017, 07:57:54 AM by SheHound » Logged
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