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Author Topic: Alabaster Parphinian and the Toaster… OF DOOM! (first 250)  (Read 1942 times)
Drachen
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« on: March 28, 2017, 06:10:20 PM »

Heya all, I recently adjusted my opening and I'd love to get some eyeballs and opinions on it.

First five pages are here: https://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=21871.msg253874#msg253874

Query is here: https://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=21868.0



I leapt and pirouetted across a vast black stage. In the audience, everyone I knew stared in rapt attention. The girls in my ballet class swirled around me, but as the only boy, I was the center or attention. The music swelled to a crescendo and I anticipated the applause—

“Liam’s dancing again!” Hushed whispers and giggles cut through my daydreaming.

My ears burned and I sank down until my head was nearly level with my desk. I must have been moving in time with the music in my head again. Performing in front of everyone I knew was the dream… but it was also my nightmare.

I reached for my book and pretended not to hear my classmates’ whispered jeers.

The thump of a heavy brick of papers landing on Mr. Winklesnatch’s desk drew me back into the classroom. “Here are my homework assignments.” A new girl smiled proudly at her handiwork. I swear the near leg of the desk groaned under the weight.

I closed my book and peered over the top. This could get interesting.

Mr. Winklesnatch adjusted his glasses and stared up from his seat. “It’s the first day of school.”

“I know that….” The girl glanced around in surprise. “What does that have to do with my homework?”

“Uhh….” Mr. Winklesnatch flipped through the first few folders in the stack.

“There’s more!” She chimed brightly.
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samcantcook
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« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2017, 10:25:32 AM »

I've already posted my thoughts on your first five pages in regards to the new opening. A definite improvement! You capture the main character's voice early on which was the only issue I had with the original opener.
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Dani Donegan (Cradle)
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Bacchus a noyé plus de gens que Neptune.


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« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2017, 08:12:49 PM »

Hi Drachen,

Thought I'd pop in an offer some thoughts. I liked this.

Heya all, I recently adjusted my opening and I'd love to get some eyeballs and opinions on it.

First five pages are here: https://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=21871.msg253874#msg253874

Query is here: https://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=21868.0



I leapt and pirouetted across a vast black stage. In the audience, everyone I knew stared in rapt attention. The girls in my ballet class swirled around me, but as the only boy, I was the center or attention. The music swelled to a crescendo and I anticipated the applause—

I felt like the same word was used too closely together, and it read odd for me.

“Liam’s dancing again!” Hushed whispers and giggles cut through my daydreaming.

My ears burned and I sank down until my head was nearly level with my desk. I must have been moving in time tune? with the music in my head again. Performing in front of everyone I knew was the dream… but it was also my nightmare. This sentence sits odd for me. "Performing in from of everyone I knew was the dream..." I got that when you showed me in the opening lines. Or else I am missing something. Did you mean 'my'?

I reached for my book and pretended not to hear my classmates’ whispered jeers.

The thump of a heavy brick of papers landing on Mr. Winklesnatch’s desk drew me back into the classroom. “Here are my homework assignments.” A new girl smiled proudly at her handiwork. I swear the near leg of the desk groaned under the weight.

I closed my book and peered over the top. This could get interesting.

Mr. Winklesnatch adjusted his glasses and stared up from his seat. “It’s the first day of school.”

“I know that….” The girl glanced around in surprise. “What does that have to do with my homework?”

“Uhh….” Mr. Winklesnatch flipped through the first few folders in the stack.

“There’s more!” She chimed brightly.


So I really like the voice for me. The writing painted a very vivid start, and I am intrigued to read more.

Hope this helps,

Dani
« Last Edit: April 13, 2017, 08:16:57 PM by Dani Donegan (Cradle) » Logged



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