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Author Topic: Police Procedure Opening Paragraph  (Read 875 times)
Neenah
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« on: April 13, 2017, 12:06:23 PM »

I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks in advance for reading:)

On the evening of Monday, August 4th, nine days before the killing, Gayatri Bhardwaj had interrupted her philandering husband’s secret rendezvous with a woman half his age.  Now that the murder was approaching its first anniversary in four days, she regretfully comprehended that her accidental stumble across her husband’s adultery that day was a calculated act, efficiently planned, and effectively carried out.  This very act by the astute perpetrator had set the stage for the murder that day.       
« Last Edit: April 13, 2017, 05:40:00 PM by Neenah » Logged
samcantcook
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« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2017, 03:08:30 PM »

I think the premise is neat. Reminds me of GONE GIRL. But it I think it's bogged down with overwriting. The sentences are rather long and meandering and have multiple references to numbers and dates. Too many too soon, in my opinion.

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On the evening of Monday, August 4th, nine days before the killing, Gayatri Bhardwaj had interrupted her philandering husband’s secret rendezvous with a woman half his age.  Now that the murder was approaching its first anniversary in four days, she regretfully comprehended that her accidental stumble across her husband’s adultery that day was a calculated act, efficiently planned, and effectively carried out.  This very act by the astute perpetrator had set the stage for the murder that day.
   

What about...

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On the evening of Monday, August 4th, nNine days before the killing, Gayatri Bhardwaj had interrupted her philandering husband’s secret rendezvous with a woman half his age.
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Neenah
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« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2017, 05:03:01 PM »

I know what you mean, and the way you explained, it becomes clearer and to the point. But the dates are important because 2nd and 3rd chapters have a few other occurrences that directly lead to murder. I might change it as you said, but want to see how agents respond. I have just started querying three days ago. And thanks so much for the feedback:)
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jcwrites
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« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2017, 07:34:52 PM »

I agree with samcantcook. All those date references are confusing as hell.

You understand them because you--well--you thought them up. But as a first-time reader, I would put this back and go to the next book on the shelf.
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