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Author Topic: THE HERON KINGS-- Grimdark fantasy  (Read 1379 times)
mafiaking1936
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« on: April 26, 2017, 10:47:34 AM »

Civil war it’s called. Ain’t a damn civil thing about it.

That was the last thing to flash through Ulnoth’s mind before he crashed through a wall of ferns brush and down the ravine, making way too much noise for someone trying to slip away. Though outnumbered, the farmer knew the woods far better than the three recruiters set on drafting him, so he figured his odds probably worked out about fair. But fair was the last thing Ulnoth was interested in.

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Made a couple edits.
I don't want to seem like a n00b spamming this site for free feedback, but...I pretty much am. I would apologize, but I'd do it all a hundred times over for the chance to improve this incomprehensible mass of wordage I'm trying to get someone to publish. Criticism accepted. Thanks!
« Last Edit: April 26, 2017, 07:14:22 PM by mafiaking1936 » Logged
Waterfall
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« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2017, 11:17:36 AM »

It's great that we're diving right in to the problem, and that the nature of the problem is completely evident in this first moment. Here's a couple of things I thought about while reading.
Quote
Civil war it's called. Ain't a damn civil thing about it.
If I was crashing down into a ravine to run away from the recruiters, I wouldn't have quite such control over my mental grammar. Smiley I'd be more likely to think something like "Ain't a damn civil thing about civil war."

I've never seen a "wall of ferns..." I think of ferns as being more widely spread like a field, and waist high at most. Is "wall" your best choice?

Quote
...so he figured his odds worked out about fair. But fair was the last thing Ulnoth was interested in.

Again, this seems pretty intellectually composed for someone trying to escape his doom. The first half of the sentence completely conveys the odds without stating it; I wonder if the second half should be about his immediate strategy. Is he trying to escape them, or lure them into a trap that only he knows about?

But... if the job of the opener is to get me to wonder what happens next, you hit that.
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mafiaking1936
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« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2017, 08:29:57 AM »

Thanks! I changed ferns to brush, and tried to make it a more omniscient sentence. Though maybe it's a cheat to mix POVs like that. The next paragraphs have him luring them into a trap, but it's mostly by lucky accident.  I really want to keep the 'not interested in fair' bit, because that's a major theme of the book- when peasant insurgents are facing armies with more men and more steel, you don't fight fair. Smiley
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krisowens
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« Reply #3 on: May 04, 2017, 08:32:12 PM »

Civil war it’s called. Ain’t a damn civil thing about it.

That was the last thing to flash through Ulnoth’s mind before he crashed through a wall of ferns brush and down the ravine, making way too much noise for someone trying to slip away. Though outnumbered, the farmer knew the woods far better than the three recruiters set on drafting him, so he figured his odds probably worked out about fair. But fair was the last thing Ulnoth was interested in.


Civil war? Ain't nothing damn civil about a war.

That was the last thing to flash through Ulnoth's mind before he crashed through a wall of brush and then down a ravine. He was making too much noise for someone trying to slip away. Though outnumbered, he knew the woods far better than the three recruiters who were dead-set on drafting him. He figured the odds were fair, but fairness was the last thing on Ulnoth's mind.

--
First, don't take this as me rewriting what you wrote. That is not at all the intention here. Just suggestions on wording. Some of the sentences seem "clunky", especially after reading it out loud.

I like the imagery you start with. The immediacy of the situation but also it also feels like he is being led into a trap and doesn't realize it.  Thumbs Up
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"That's terrible." "No, that is the toppest of qualities!"
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