QueryTracker Community
November 22, 2017, 04:55:10 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: YA mystery / thriller with autistic lead  (Read 4405 times)
kitch
Newbie
*

Karma: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 2


« on: May 24, 2017, 09:23:49 AM »

I like my opening, but I'm not sure it's doing the job... I'd be grateful for thoughts and feedback on improvements.

Thanks!



I’m melting like the Wicked Witch of the West. Throwing a silent curse at the heat, I wipe my sweaty hands on my shorts. It’s useless. They’re slick again before I’ve even raised the binoculars to my eyes. I fiddle with the diopter wheel, aiming for a nine degrees turn, but my fingers slip and the distant slopes of the dense conifer plantation the other side of the reservoir spring into focus. I wipe the wheel with the hem of my T-shirt and ease it back. There! The brown smudge on top of the church sharpens into an osprey.
Logged
samcantcook
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 40
Offline Offline

Posts: 169



« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2017, 12:33:25 PM »

I really like the first line! Has plenty of voice, humor, and cleverness.
Logged
kitch
Newbie
*

Karma: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 2


« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2017, 02:20:02 PM »

Thank you  embarrassed2
Logged
jmundy-castle
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 83
Offline Offline

Posts: 607



WWW
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2017, 08:59:28 PM »

I like the basics of this -- showy for the most part. There are some minor issues that, if are a big issue in the book, need fixing. See beow.


I’m melting like the Wicked Witch of the West Something about this feels cliche, and I really like the next line. I'd say cut it. Throwing a silent curse at the heat, I wipe my sweaty hands on my shorts. It’s useless. They’re slick again before I’ve even raised the binoculars to my eyes. I fiddle with the diopter wheel, aiming for a nine degrees turn, but my fingers slip and the distant slopes of the dense conifer plantation the other side of the reservoir spring into focus. I wipe the wheel with the hem of my T-shirt and ease it back. There! The brown smudge on top of the church sharpens into an osprey.
[/quote]

I like this even more as I re-read. Nice work.
Logged
samcantcook
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 40
Offline Offline

Posts: 169



« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2017, 09:14:40 AM »

I disagree about cutting the first line. The second sentence doesn't work as an opening in my opinion. Her hands are sweaty? And she's wiping them on shorts? It loses the quality that made it a hook.
Logged
loose leaf
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 11
Offline Offline

Posts: 35



« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2017, 04:52:06 AM »

Seems okay to me.

Just curious--do you have a background that relates to autism in some way?

I'm asking because if you don't, you should really get some sensitivity readers. I read of a book recently that had character with autism and the reflection of the condition was horrendous. People were not happy and I was kinda surprised it made it to publishing.
Logged
SMushM
Newbie
*

Karma: 1
Offline Offline

Posts: 9


« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2017, 04:34:47 PM »

I also think the first line works.  It tells the reader something about the character immediately. I would keep it.
Logged
alislove
Newbie
*

Karma: 0
Offline Offline

Posts: 9


« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2017, 04:17:44 PM »

This has a really nice sense of place without overstating the environment. I too didn't love the Wicked Witch reference but clearly this is a subjective thing. You've received more pro witch feedback. Overall this has a lot of strength. I would read further to learn the hook. clap
Logged
MichelleG
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 140
Offline Offline

Posts: 925



WWW
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2017, 09:49:44 PM »

Okay so I'm going with sniper - so this statement relates to that (if wrong, ignore) - there needs to be something before throwing a silent curse at the heat, but not sure it should be the Wicket Witch statement. It is one of those statements that will always lead to debate - some agents/readers will like it - some won't.  Why not try something else - I'm dripping like a snowman on the sun. Throwing a silent curse at the heat, I wipe my sweaty hands on...
Logged

"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!