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Author Topic: YA mystery / thriller with autistic lead  (Read 1314 times)
kitch
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« on: May 24, 2017, 09:23:49 AM »

I like my opening, but I'm not sure it's doing the job... I'd be grateful for thoughts and feedback on improvements.

Thanks!



I’m melting like the Wicked Witch of the West. Throwing a silent curse at the heat, I wipe my sweaty hands on my shorts. It’s useless. They’re slick again before I’ve even raised the binoculars to my eyes. I fiddle with the diopter wheel, aiming for a nine degrees turn, but my fingers slip and the distant slopes of the dense conifer plantation the other side of the reservoir spring into focus. I wipe the wheel with the hem of my T-shirt and ease it back. There! The brown smudge on top of the church sharpens into an osprey.
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samcantcook
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« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2017, 12:33:25 PM »

I really like the first line! Has plenty of voice, humor, and cleverness.
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kitch
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« Reply #2 on: May 24, 2017, 02:20:02 PM »

Thank you  embarrassed2
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jmundy-castle
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« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2017, 08:59:28 PM »

I like the basics of this -- showy for the most part. There are some minor issues that, if are a big issue in the book, need fixing. See beow.


I’m melting like the Wicked Witch of the West Something about this feels cliche, and I really like the next line. I'd say cut it. Throwing a silent curse at the heat, I wipe my sweaty hands on my shorts. It’s useless. They’re slick again before I’ve even raised the binoculars to my eyes. I fiddle with the diopter wheel, aiming for a nine degrees turn, but my fingers slip and the distant slopes of the dense conifer plantation the other side of the reservoir spring into focus. I wipe the wheel with the hem of my T-shirt and ease it back. There! The brown smudge on top of the church sharpens into an osprey.
[/quote]

I like this even more as I re-read. Nice work.
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samcantcook
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« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2017, 09:14:40 AM »

I disagree about cutting the first line. The second sentence doesn't work as an opening in my opinion. Her hands are sweaty? And she's wiping them on shorts? It loses the quality that made it a hook.
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loose leaf
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« Reply #5 on: July 05, 2017, 04:52:06 AM »

Seems okay to me.

Just curious--do you have a background that relates to autism in some way?

I'm asking because if you don't, you should really get some sensitivity readers. I read of a book recently that had character with autism and the reflection of the condition was horrendous. People were not happy and I was kinda surprised it made it to publishing.
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