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Author Topic: Elevator Pitch - Echoes in the Fire (FanstasyAdventure)  (Read 911 times)
Alrune
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« on: October 22, 2017, 12:58:48 AM »

I've been tearing this apart frontways and sideways. This is what I have. I think it might have a decent hook to it, but I'm too close now to see anything. Brutality is always welcome.

Rain, a young hybrid woman, leaves her hermit city after she becomes host to a dangerous forbidden magic, she is thrust into a war over ancient hatreds and tender scars, and joins a proud Prince to uncover the insidious plot of the eternal Pirate King.
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stanleyyelnats
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« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2017, 01:48:37 PM »

Hello! It looks like you haven't had a reply. A couple of quick fixes are below, but I think you could stand to add some more clarity in places, which I can't do without knowing more about your story. I've pointed out a few spots that I'd like to see more clarity - in my opinion. I wouldn't make it any longer, however. See if you can find better words to use instead. Don't get too fancy with the thesaurus. Simple words are better, if you can find one that works really well. And always read it out loud. I often record myself reading and play it back to see if it sounds right. When you say it out loud, you can find run-on sentences much easier.

Quick fixes:

A young hybrid woman leaves her hermit city after she becomes host to a dangerous, forbidden magic. Thrust into a war over ancient hatreds and tender scars, she joins a proud Prince to uncover the insidious plot of the eternal Pirate King.


Spots you could tweak even more:

A young hybrid woman leaves her hermit city after she becomes host to a dangerous, forbidden magic. Thrust into a war over ancient hatreds and tender scars, she joins a proud Prince to uncover the insidious plot of the eternal Pirate King.

hermit city... - this is an odd term to me, although I'm not a fantasy person so maybe it's common? I would use "leaves home" or "leaves her underground city" (I looked it up and came across an underground city image) or something like that.

after she becomes host to... - find a shorter/better way to say this. Like "after receiving" but better.

war over ancient hatreds and tender scars... - this is a bit wordy. Try to come up with one single, powerful phrase that describes it all, if possible.

proud Prince... - to me, proud is a wishy-washy word here - I want a better word that tells me more about why he is in this war - is he the rightful heir, or taking revenge, etc., etc.?

uncover the insidious plot... - "uncover" seems to be the wrong word - uncover and then what? I assume they are ultimately trying to stop him? So maybe "overthrow" or "stop"

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