QueryTracker Community
January 16, 2018, 11:08:22 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: First 2 Paragraphs  (Read 289 times)
BrwnEyedGirl
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 12
Offline Offline

Posts: 117



« on: August 09, 2017, 09:50:26 AM »

Hello! It's been a while and I decided to try my hand at writing again, because I just don't know when to give up (lol) heres the first 2 paragraphs of a story I have been tinkering with. Let me know what you think!

------------------------------------

Jonathan Ramsey raked his fingers through his curly blonde hair for what seemed like the millionth time that night. But what else could he really do? He wasn't a doctor, or a famous surgeon, no, he was just a criminal defense attorney. He didn't save lives, at least not in that aspect. Today was just another day at the office, until he got that phone call that would change his life forever.

Why was this happening? Everything was going fine that day, until his secretary informed him that the local hospital called. His wife, Madeline, had gotten into a serious accident, she collided with an eighteen wheeler and was rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Without a thought, he dropped everything and drove straight to the hospital, not obeying the speed limit or the traffic lights. He made it there in record time, surprised that he himself didn't get into an accident with the manic way he was driving.

What did either of them do to deserve this misfortune? They were both good people, they went to church every sunday, donated to the local charities. So, why would god forsake them in such a way? All these questions kept repeating in his head. The eerie sound of disappointment was like nails on a chalk board, no matter how he tried to ignore it, the louder it would get. With trembling fingers, he could only sit there helplessly and wait for the worst to come. All the while, he prayed for a miracle, a miracle that may never come.

-----------------

Its a rough draft, much needed re-editing, but I just wanted the gist of it out. Let me know what you think, thanks!

N
Logged

Blood and Bones - Finished - 83,000 Urban Fantasy - Partial Out - May 09,2011

Tattered Memories - Finished - 60,000 Paranormal Romance Young Adult - Partial Out - May 05, 2011

Shade Reflections - In The Works - Suicide/Ghost story - YA

Whispering Waltz - In The Works - Novella - Paranormal Roman
samcantcook
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 40
Offline Offline

Posts: 169



« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2017, 12:33:25 PM »

Hey BrwnEyed Girl!

Your premise isn't bad, but I think you should make your first paragraph (and, indeed, your first sentence) start with a bang. I don't mean action. But it should set the pace for the story. The raking hair image doesn't do much for me. It's a common action and doesn't establish conflict or tension. The sentences that follow are telling sentences, details about your MC you want us to know, but they aren't important right now. You should just show us the story, let the background materialize organically as you go. Take out things like the following for now.

Quote
They were both good people, they went to church every sunday, donated to the local charities.

In the current draft, the way you narrate the events instead of letting them unfold reduces the tension. For example:

Quote
His wife, Madeline, had gotten into a serious accident, she collided with an eighteen wheeler and was rushed to the hospital in critical condition. Without a thought, he dropped everything and drove straight to the hospital, not obeying the speed limit or the traffic lights.

Because the voice is displaced, telling us what has already happened, we don't feel the tension. We aren't experiencing it. We're being told about it. It's like when someone tells you something funny that happened at work and ends the joke by saying "you just had to be there." Make the events direct. In the present if you can.

Avoid cliches if possible.

Quote
Today was just another day at the office
Quote
change his life forever
Quote
made it there in record time
Quote
like nails on a chalk board

My advice for an opener, put us right in Jonathan's shoes from the get-go. Something that makes the stakes clear. Like...

Johnathan knew it was only a matter of time before the steady rhythm of the heart monitor become one monotonous death tone.
Logged
Thanksgiving400
Full Member
***

Karma: 12
Offline Offline

Posts: 51


WWW
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2017, 01:36:13 PM »

The previous poster suggested a more impactful beginning, certainly a common and valuable critique.

The line about why god would forsake them this way has potential to be a good start, perhaps- For the first time in Jonathan's Ramsey's life, he questioned God's existence. If there was a God, he had some explaining to do about why.... go into how he feels about his wife's accident.

It tells you a little about the MC in terms of his religion, love for his wife and the situation he faces.

"For the first time" may be cliche and not the best line specifically, but as an off the cuff suggestion I think you see what I'm getting at.

Your character seems like he feels betrayed and scared. He argues they didn't deserve this, and gives evidence why.

If your MC is a religious man, and I would guess so based on your inclusion of that line.



Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!