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Author Topic: First snippet, MG SF/F first draft  (Read 887 times)
Lupdiga
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« on: August 10, 2017, 11:06:01 AM »

Kind of intrigued to know people's thoughts on this. Too much repetition? Also, does it totally suck? Cheers



“What would you say,” said the man in the red velvet suit, “if I told you that your life was about to change completely.”

Sam looked at her mother. Her mother looked back.

“Sounds great,” said Mum. “Can I put some trousers on, first?”

Both Sam and her mother were dressed in giant t-shirts which hung below their knees, and were covered in flour from their hair to their feet. Neither of them had been expecting visitors, especially not on Baking Day … and especially not men in red velvet suits who might pop up on their doorstep, promising them life-changing opportunities.

The man in the red velvet suit appeared unfazed by this response, although this made sense, once Sam thought about it. Anyone who wears a red velvet suit is probably used to strange and unusual things, she mused.

The man stepped through their front door, taking care to step right over the cat, the cat’s toys, and the various objects - mostly pencils - that the cat had discovered in the garden that day. While Mum pulled on some jeans, Sam picked up a pile of dirty laundry and offered him the seat beneath it.
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jcwrites
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« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2017, 04:20:08 PM »

This has pretty good bones. Unusual characters and situation, humorous voice, potential for who-knows-what?... I would read on. (If there's repetition in there, I didn't notice it notice it.)

Thanks for posting.
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Lupdiga
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« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2017, 08:00:29 PM »

Oh wow, thanks!  That's super nice of you  Grin This is my first time writing for MG and I've been a bit nervous about the voice.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2017, 08:07:01 PM by Lupdiga » Logged
maryj59
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WWW
« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2017, 11:14:59 AM »

I agree with JCwrites. I'd keep reading! Nice job.
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DamsonGreengage
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« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2017, 09:45:15 PM »

Yes, looks okay. Press on.
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mafiaking1936
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« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2017, 12:58:19 PM »

I like it, just some minor edits:

“What would you say,” said the man in the red velvet suit, “if I told you that your life was about to change completely.?

Sam looked at her mother. Her mother looked back.

“Sounds great,” said Mum. “Can I put some trousers on, first?”

Both Sam and her mother were dressed in giant t-shirts which that hung below their knees, and were covered in flour from their hair to their feet. Neither of them had been expecting visitors, especially not on Baking Day and especially (certainly?) not men in red velvet suits who might pop up on their doorstep, promising them life-changing opportunities.

The man in the red velvet suit appeared unfazed (is this word suited to MG? Not sure) by this response, although this made sense, once Sam thought about it. Anyone who wears a red velvet suit is probably used to strange and unusual things, she mused.(Tag may be redundant based on previous sentence)

The man stepped through their front door, taking care to step right over the cat, the cat’s toys, and the various objects - mostly pencils - that the cat had discovered in the garden that day. These probably should be em dashes, not hyphens. I learned the difference the hard way...) While Mum pulled on some jeans, Sam picked up a pile of dirty laundry and offered him the seat beneath it.

« Last Edit: September 14, 2017, 01:00:26 PM by mafiaking1936 » Logged
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