QueryTracker Community
September 20, 2017, 10:14:27 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: New first sentence, YA SF  (Read 354 times)
maryj59
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 28
Offline Offline

Posts: 154


WWW
« on: August 28, 2017, 11:12:45 AM »

Hi! I have never been happy with my first sentence, even though I (and my beta readers/crit partners) loved my opening scene. After attending a workshop on Saturday, I think I finally have a  good one. Here it is:

On the twenty-ninth day of the moon of New Sun, Kiril Tesurik and his cousin Thank declared themselves dead before the Gods.
Logged
jcwrites
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 29
Offline Offline

Posts: 160


« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2017, 12:57:12 PM »

"On the twenty-ninth day of the moon of New Sun, Kiril Tesurik and his cousin Thank declared themselves dead."

I would drop "before the Gods". You already have New Sun, Kiril Tesurik, and Thank in there; Gods may be a proper name to far. Plus it's way punchier. (Work the Gods in later.)
Logged
maryj59
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 28
Offline Offline

Posts: 154


WWW
« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2017, 01:54:18 PM »

Thank you! I can see what you mean, and will think about it. But poor Thanike! I can't believe I called her "Thank". The perils of autocorrect, perhaps?
Logged
GlitterFox
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 20
Offline Offline

Posts: 48



« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2017, 07:21:49 AM »

I like this! In a single sentence, you establish genre, character, and a sense of impending doom. I don't mind the "before the Gods" bit (though I see where jcwrites is coming from). Not only does the phrase add gravity to the situation, but it also gives us a sense of the characters' culture. I feel like a lot of science fiction assumes that religion will no longer exist in the year 2250 (or whenever), so I'm very intrigued by the mystical language you're using. My only critique is that I stumbled over "the moon of New Sun." I'm assuming "moon" refers to month, and "New Sun" is the name of the month, but the moon/sun contrast threw me off momentarily. Again, tiny nitpick. Based on this first sentence alone, I'd definitely read more!
Logged
maryj59
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 28
Offline Offline

Posts: 154


WWW
« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2017, 09:46:30 AM »

Thank you! I'm glad you see what I was after with "before the Gods". I, too, get annoyed by the assumption that religion won't exist in the future. Why wouldn't it? And this boy's faith matters tremendously to him, as we see later in the novel. In a way, the novel is all about faith and family; it's also about a clash of cultures, so it's important that we get a sense of his (very alien) culture right away.

Again, I'm glad this works for you. It's certainly much grabbier than my original first sentence, isn't it?
Logged
JohnPansini
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 33
Offline Offline

Posts: 260


just me.jpg


« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2017, 10:22:57 AM »

I also like "... before the gods." I recommend lowercase g.
Logged
Thanksgiving400
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 11
Offline Offline

Posts: 47


WWW
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2017, 02:19:08 PM »

Only comment is regarding this:

Quote
On the twenty-ninth day of the moon of New Sun

A third of the opening sentence establishes the day. I would imagine there is significance to this occutance of course, but is there a shorter or smoother way to express this?  Its hard to gauge without knowing what New Sun means, and how the day/ moon aspects relate, but it does make the eyes jump a bit.
« Last Edit: August 31, 2017, 03:04:01 PM by Thanksgiving400 » Logged
Munley
Full Member
***

Karma: 17
Offline Offline

Posts: 80


Atlantic Canada


« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2017, 07:46:15 PM »

 I like the pinning down of a point in time for this declaration before the gods. It has the feel of mindfully stepping over a threshold with conviction, and makes me wonder what led up to this moment and what the result of this declaration will be. In other words, it definitely draws me to read on.

And if religion is important to the novel, I think it's a good idea to establish some hint of that early on.
Logged
maryj59
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 28
Offline Offline

Posts: 154


WWW
« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2017, 10:31:17 AM »

Thank you, Munley and John!  Smiley I will make "gods" lowercase. Very glad you like this, and see what I am trying to do.

Yes, it's an irrevocable decision, and these kids are basically stepping over a cliff. The rest of the book is what leads them to this decision and what comes of it.
Logged
DamsonGreengage
Newbie
*

Karma: 2
Offline Offline

Posts: 9


« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2017, 07:56:34 PM »

"On the twenty-ninth day of the moon of New Sun, Kiril Tesurik and his cousin Thank declared themselves dead before the Gods."

Gods or gods would depend on local usage. Your call. I'd put commas around "Thank." Your call. But "the moon of the New Sun" is a bit cryptic and may be an unnecessary reader-stopper. What's a "New Sun?" You've got plenty strange going on with the declaration of deadness without the New Sun.
Logged
B.W.French
Newbie
*

Karma: 10
Offline Offline

Posts: 24


« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2017, 09:40:58 AM »

Hi! I suppose New Sun means : new season. I find the sentence very good. Punchy and mysterious. I don't really know what : "declared themselves dead before the Gods" means. But I have an idea. You see! The sentence makes the reader already think.
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!