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Author Topic: Twitter pitch for adult fantasy. *** NEW DIRECTION COMPLETELY***  (Read 2031 times)
Farfadet
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« on: August 31, 2017, 01:19:45 PM »

Hi again guys! Just wanted to know what you guys thought of these pitch please. I have three and would like to either know which one is the best and/or what's wrong with them.

Thanks in advance and as always i will gladly review whatever you send my way!

New one that i've been working. I like it but would like to know if anyone else does.

***When magic is power and power is a lie, a noble intention can lead to mankind's destruction, but a mercenary can also become the hero.***

1) When Isaac wakes an army of ancient demons, he must choose wether to stay with his father and defend his village or convince the ever warring factions to fight for a simple mercenary.


2) Saving the child seemed like the right thing to do, but it didn't go as planned. It rarely does. This time, Isaac surpassed himself. He awoke an army of ancient demons bent on destruction.

3) Cultures and castes, magic users exploiting those without, factions at war, all must put aside differences built on a history of lies to help one young mercenary fix a terrible mistake. (this one I already had in mind but didn't know if it was ok for a pitch so thanks gckatz for showing me the way... if it's any good, if not than sorry i have failed you.)
« Last Edit: September 04, 2017, 01:26:06 PM by Farfadet » Logged
Thanksgiving400
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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2017, 02:07:05 PM »

In terms of structure, I think #2 is closest as it starts with the MC's action. To intrigue someone, thought, we need to know the stakes. In all four we see language around him needing to get involved in some war, and end.

What if he doesn't?  Or what if he does but doesn't succeed? What are the stakes.

Lets work with #2:

Quote
2) Callow If its important, show us not tell us. If its not important, drop it. sell sword Generally OK to start with a title - i.e. Captain, Governor, etc., you're the best judge of this but is a sell sword known to your readers? I actually thought it was a type, then saw it four times so I realize its part of your character. Consider if everyone will get that. Otherwise, start here: Isaac has awoke (query's, pitches, etc. should be present tense, so i've been told) an army of sinister beings Here is where you can show us callow, not tell us. Isaac only mean to (do something, but he awakes .... It shows his naivety) . To redeem himself, he must seek aid in a war ridden land where magic is power and power is based on lies.
Is his goal really to redeem himself? Or is there a larger "save the world" motivation? ie- unless he wants to cause the end of time, he must do something and/ or overcome some thing.

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Thanksgiving400
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« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2017, 02:12:13 PM »

another note- i believe it is quite common not to use the MCs name in a pitch. i.e.- A young sell sword...

I'm not sure ifs an accepted rule, just something I've noticed.
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Farfadet
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« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2017, 12:11:15 PM »

Thanks to thanksgiving I have three more! hope they are clearer.

1) Isaac has awakened an army of sinister beings. To prevent mankind anihiliation and redeem himself, he must seek aid in a war ridden land where magic is power and power is deceit.

2) Isaac only wanted to do what's right but instead, awoke an army of sinister beings. To redeem himself and prevent mankind's anihilation, he must convince the ever warring factions to aid him. ( this one i fear is to vague at the beginning but it would be too long to go into details, so it's kinda just to show who Isaac is.)

3) When Isaac awakens an army of sinister beings, he goes on a quest for redemption to stop mankind's destruction. First, he must prevent a war built around lies and rally the factions.
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samcantcook
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« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2017, 12:31:40 PM »

This is probably just me, but these feel a little generic. There's nothing inherently wrong with any of these, but none of them *pop* at me. Maybe you're trying to cram too much into too little space and should instead micro-focus on a single instance or event that show cases the character.

Thanks to thanksgiving I have three more! hope they are clearer.

1) Isaac has awakened an army of sinister beings. This premise, on its own, isn't necessarily unique and I don't know what these sinister beings look like--undead, demons, aliens?--to make it stand out. To prevent mankind anihiliation and redeem himself, he must seek aid in a war ridden land where magic is power and power is deceit. Is this literal? Is power really generated by deceit? Better to be clear and less vague in a pitch.

2) Isaac only wanted to do what's right I have no idea what he was trying to do, which makes this wasted context because of it's lack of specificity. but instead, awoke an army of sinister beings. To redeem himself and prevent mankind's anihilation, he must convince the ever warring factions to aid him. ( this one i fear is to vague at the beginning but it would be too long to go into details, so it's kinda just to show who Isaac is.)

3) When Isaac awakens an army of sinister beings, he goes on a quest for redemption to stop mankind's destruction. First, he must prevent a war built around lies and rally the factions.

These examples just don't give me a good visual and tell nothing about Isaac. In a pitch, I think it works best if you show an element in your story that's unique and sets it apart. Accidentally resurrecting an army (of undead?) and fighting for the human race has been done many times before--from Lord of the Rings to Night at the Museum. Show us what makes your story different.
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gckatz
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« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2017, 01:56:16 PM »

These all feel SUPER generic to me. There's a war and a guy must defeat the evil beings to save the world. Almost any epic fantasy could be described that way. So yeah, what Sam said.

The other thing I notice is that all these pitches are the same basic phrases ("an army of sinister beings", "redeem himself and prevent mankind's annihilation"), just shuffled around in different orders. Twitter pitching is all about figuring out what works and what doesn't. So while you can go ahead and use those elements in one pitch, you should try to come up with a few ways to describe the story that use completely different wording.

For instance, when I was pitching Among the Red Stars, here's a very by-the-book pitch I used:

Quote
18yo Valya disobeys orders to rescue the boy she loves in this adventure of the Russian pilots the Nazis called Night Witches.

And here's a more creative pitch:

Quote
Nazi fighter aces, blinding searchlights, flammable planes: Nothing teen girls can't handle. Code Name Verity in the USSR.

Both of these got good response rates. If you can come up with another pitch that takes a completely different approach, you'll do better.

(BTW, #MockPit is tonight from 6-8 EST.)
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Farfadet
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« Reply #6 on: September 02, 2017, 01:30:40 PM »

Alright thank you guys for your feedback. You are awesome and also right. it's hard to put your book in 35 words ;).

So here I am again and if any of you find it to keep sending me on the right track i'd really appreciate it!

Here's hoping these are a little better.

1) When Isaac wakes an army of ancient demons, he must choose wether to stay with his father and defend his village or convince the ever warring factions to fight for a simple mercenary.


2) Saving the child seemed like the right thing to do, but it didn't go as planned. It rarely does. This time, Isaac surpassed himself. He awoke an army of ancient demons bent on destruction.

3) Cultures and castes, magic users exploiting those without, factions at war, all must put aside differences built on a history of lies to help one young mercenary fix a terrible mistake. (this one I already had in mind but didn't know if it was ok for a pitch so thanks gckatz for showing me the way.)
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gckatz
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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2017, 07:46:47 PM »

I think those latter two are good! Especially the second one.
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samcantcook
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« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2017, 10:37:52 AM »

I agree with Gckatz. I like the second one Smiley
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Thanksgiving400
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« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2017, 11:39:36 AM »

I like the second because it portrays something unique. It sounds like your main character often messes things up, which can be entertaining, and somehow unleashes and army of ancient demons. I'd be very curious how someone can do that when they were trying to save a child- which means I am intrigued, which is your goal.
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