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Author Topic: Israel Falls Pitch  (Read 280 times)
jjf3rd77
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« on: September 02, 2017, 12:57:40 PM »

So now that I'm pretty much finished with the query. It's time for some pitches. I have four here so far:

1. Detective Henry Wilson finds himself in the middle of a lover’s spat between two time travelers.

2. When Detective Henry Wilson starts to investigate his old business partner Johnny McIntyre, he soon discovers that he has pissed off the wrong group of time travelers.

3. Detective Henry Wilson wrestles over control of the timeline from a madman.
 
4. A time traveler, named Henry Wilson rises to prominence in the illegal soul trade. * * I like this one best. Which one works for you guys?


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Munley
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« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2017, 02:01:32 PM »

If you really want a survey, you might want to use the option to "take new poll" instead of listing the choices in this regular thread post. You can choose the new-pole option once you choose the area you want to post in, such as, "Post your elevator pitch."

You can welcome any comments people may want to add, as well. Some people may just want to click on their choice of pitch, but that doesn't rule out adding comments for those who'd like to make them.

When I've done polls, I've tried to make extra clear in the subject line, something like:

P O L L - Best pitch for ISRAEL FALLS?

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Thanksgiving400
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2017, 12:31:30 PM »

So now that I'm pretty much finished with the query. It's time for some pitches. I have four here so far:

I'm not sure of your character/ word count limits, or if this is for a specific contest/ application, but here are some some general comments:

Consider in an elevator pitch if you need to name the MC. Often they are just described for word efficiency.

If you removed "Henry Wilson" and just referred to him as a detective the reader has the info he/she needs and you've saved words.




1. Detective Henry Wilson finds himself in the middle of a lover’s spat between two time travelers. This seems incomplete, there should be something after this which makes your story unigue and shows the reader is in for some good conflict. Also, this makes your MC seem secondary to the lover's, as he is in the middle of their argument. Without context on how it affects him, its not clear why I should be intrigued with his journey.

2. When Detective Henry Wilson starts to investigate his old business partner Johnny McIntyre, he soon discovers that he has pissed off the wrong group of time travelers. I think this is much closer, though would again remove the names- they don't matter. I would also get rid of when, and starts: "A Detective investigates his old business partner and (or but?) pisses (present tense) the wrong group of time travelers" somewhat vague, is there something more specific you can give us than wrong group?


3. Detective Henry Wilson wrestles over control of the timeline from a madman. I see you're going brief here, which works for some stories, but would also consider your elevator statement doesn't have to also serve as a log line, or vice versa. You can give a little more in an elevator statement. In this sentence, perhaps you could let us know why he needs to wrestle control from this guy (madman hints at it, but make it unique). Also consider must wrestle instead of wrestle, make us know its dire that he win, not an inconvenience, ...must wrestle from a madman who seems impossible to catch, or risk time freezing forever (I don't know your plot, just adding an example of the stakes of a conflict, which is crucial.
 

4. A time traveler, named Henry Wilson rises to prominence in the illegal soul trade. * * I like this one best. Which one works for you guys? This one starts out the best, but again it seems like the first half of a pitch. ...."illegal soul trade, but must (do this thing he doesn't want to) to (achieve some thing he absolutely must have.)"




Shorter pitch formats like Twitter may affect content selection, but always have some conflict and stakes to build intrigue. And you can save words with some of the descriptions that aren't really crucial to getting that across, like the proper names.
I look forward to keeping an eye on your story in the other sections to.
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