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Author Topic: Meaghan's Sway - Urban Fantasy  (Read 827 times)
Falthor
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)


« on: September 10, 2017, 10:04:14 AM »

Hey guys, I'm coming back around to this project again and I'm still running into the same issue where I love the idea, i love the story time line, I just can't seem to get it to the paper, or at least in my mind.  How does this read guys?

Marc drew his Ruger-9E from under his arm, held it at the ready and nodded to Johan who was positioned on the other side of the door.  Johan reached inside his cavernous overcoat and pulled his Desert Eagle .50 cal out and held it, pointed toward the door knob.

Marc rolled his eyes as he shifted his stance and reached a single hand out for the knob and slowly turned it.  As it hit home Johan jumped in front of the door and kicked out, clipping marc hand in the process of knocking the door almost off its hinges. Marc surprise was only matched by his pain as Johan’s boot scraped the back of his hand.

“God Damnit, Johan!”

Way past being admonished Johan had already run into the room head first gun leading the charge.  A feral grin spread his lips as he sighted the prey and clicked the safety off on his monstrous hand cannon.

“What the…” Alex’s voice was silenced in a belch of fire and the roar of Johan’s desert eagle.

“Jesus Christ Johan, what the hell are you doing?” Marc ran in through the door just in time to see the tail of Alex’s suit jacket disappear out the back door.

“Can you feel his sway?” Johan looked at Marc.

“No,” Marc answered. “He’s probably too scared to even use it.”

“Exactly,” Johan said with another grin and ran out the door, barely sliding his massive shoulders through before pounding down the alley behind the shop.

“f**k’s sake, Johan,” Marc said and slammed his Ruger back into the shoulder holster he was wearing before running out the back door too.

Another roar up ahead let Marc know he needed to turn left and continue down the back alley, the shadows of the night leaping out and trying to trip him as he went.

“Stop Shooting Johan, someone’s going to call the cops.” Marc bellowed.

“Hurry up and get your fat ass up here Marc.”

The leather soles of Marc shoes slipped a little as he turned the corner and he felt the crunch of cartilage as his foot rolled. A sharp cry of pain escaped his lips as he hit the ground and rolled onto his butt, the light drizzle that had been falling all night slowly seeping into his underwear.

Rolling to his left Marc slowly pulled himself up the wall and placed a little weight on the injured ankle. A quick test showed him how much it hurt, but also how likely he hadn’t done any serious damage.  Reaching a single hand out toward the ankle Marc made a grabbing motion, and the squeezed his fist tight, the pain faded and he got back up and kept running.

Alex was on his knees when Marc finally caught up to them, both hands up palm out, eyes fixated on the massive barrel of Johan’s gun that was sizzling as the drizzle hit the still warm barrel.

“Anything, I’ll do anything you want.”

Johan’s hand flashed out and the butt of his gun clipped Alex’s temple.  Alex crumpled a little, both hands going to the fresh blood running down his face. “I want you to shut up for now.  Marc has the questions for you.”

Alex raised his gaze from the ground and swept his eyes around the loading Dock where he was kneeling, looking right past Marc before he stepped out of the shadows and walked slowly forward.

“What the hell took you so long.  I thought you were doing cardio so you could keep up?” Johann snickered.

“Jesus Christ Johan, what the f**k are you thinking?  How is he ever going to come in peacefully if you’re shooting at him and bashing his face with your gun?”

“Who’s that? Did Sartori send two guys this time?  I thought I had a month to pay up?”

Johan’s laughed echoed off the brick walls, bouncing here and there with the sound of boulders grinding on one another. “You think some mob boss sent me? That’s rich.” Johan continued to laugh as he raised the gun again and leveled it at Alex’s head once more.

Marc reached into his jacket and palmed the grip of his Ruger once more. He locked up all the muscles in his arm, trying to stop it from grabbing the gun, but it kept slowly moving forward.

“Alex, despite what my partner has done we’re not here to harm you.” Marc felt eh finger of his hands start to close around the grips of his gun.

“What’s going on Marc?” Johan nudged Alex’s temple with the gun, a quick sizzle accompanied the motion.

Marc’s hand grabbed the grip and pulled the Ruger from its clutch, flicking the safety as it slowly moved to his side.

“Sway.” Marc spat the single word, the grimace on his face conveying how much he was fighting for control.

“Your gun” Johan jabbed Alex in the head again.

“Alex.  We’re not here to kill you.  Stop thinking it.  Don’t make me shoot you.” Marc said calmly as the barrel of his gun rose from the ground and aimed in Alex’s direction.

“Strength?” Johan barked and drove a knee into Alex’s face.

Marc wrestled his hand down once more as Alex’s attention was diverted. “Pleeb, but with training, if we brought him in, he could be a beta.”

“What the hell is a beta.” Alex’s muffled voice sloshed through the blood filling his broken nose.

Marc’s hand started to rise from the ground again. “ALEX!”

As Johan looked up Alex’s eyes flashed a blood red that filled the loading dock area. Smoke started to rise from Johan’s clothing as the blood red light climbed from his feet to the gun in his hand.  For a moment, it flashed and lit up the wall behind them, their shadows locked in the macabre scene there before the Dessert Eagle roared again, painting the wall with the back of Alex’s head.

When Marc opened his eyes again there was a blank space where Alex had been kneeling.   The blood dripping from what was left of Alex’s face seemed to pool around the shadow as if it had its own pull of sorts.

“What the…” Johan murmured.

The shadows reached a hand slowly down to the body it had hidden in for so long, shoulder hunched, lines taught and vibrating. Its head turned slowly until it faced Marc where he stood.

HE’S DANGEROUS.  THERE IS SO MUCH YOU DON’T KNOW.

Marc put both hands to his ears as the voice hammered into his skull. The pavement scratched the skin off his knees as he fell into the spreading puddle of blood at the creature’s feet.

“You okay Marc?”

The creature’s face never turned from him.  The ethereal darkness spread from his back and formed wings. With a single stroke, it was hovering several feet above both of them a small ripple in its wings keeping it afloat. Johan squeezed off two shots that passed right through the blackness and ricocheted off the building.

WATCH HIM, MANY FUTURES DEPEND ON IT.

With another beat of its wings, the shape flew up into the sky and disappeared into the starless night.
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GlitterFox
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« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2017, 08:25:43 PM »

I'm intrigued by the concept of sway (some kind of hypnotism?) and the bloody showdown at the end of this excerpt, but I struggled with these pages for a couple reasons:

1: I feel like we start too late. We're dropped into a fast-moving scene, and a third character is introduced before I've familiarized myself with the first two. There's not really a moment where I'm able to situate myself. You might want to try backing up and explaining a little about what brought Marc and Johan here. Which brings me to:

2: Where is here? I think part of my disorientation came from the absence of setting description. I know there's a door, and a back alley, and that it's raining, and that later we're at some loading docks, but everything else is a blank canvas. You definitely have time to slow down and fill in some of those missing details.

3: On a related note, I'd love some character description! From context, I'm guessing that Marc is a little overweight and out of shape. If you don't want to burden the pacing too much, you could weave in similar hints for Johan and Alex.

4:
Quote
“Sway.” Marc spat the single word, the grimace on his face conveying how much he was fighting for control.
More description here, please! What does it feel like, physically and mentally, to be "swayed"? This seems like it's going to be a pretty major element in the book, and this is the first time we observe it, so it seems important to let us fully experience it the way Marc does.

5:
Quote
“Strength?” Johan barked and drove a knee into Alex’s face.
This confuses me. Why does Johan say this? I might be missing something...

6:
Quote
When Marc opened his eyes again there was a blank space where Alex had been kneeling.   The blood dripping from what was left of Alex’s face seemed to pool around the shadow as if it had its own pull of sorts.
This seems a little inconsistent. Is there a "blank space" (nothing left), or are there some remains ("what was left of Alex's face")?

7: Marc and Johan don't seem particularly surprised that an evil shadow just crawled out of Alex's corpse. Do they deal with stuff like this on a regular basis?

8: Grammar! Not something to stress about until later drafts, but there are a number of grammatical errors in this excerpt. At times they were a little distracting.

I hope this helps! I know how hard it can be to get the story in your mind to line up with the story on the page. Good luck with this!
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Falthor
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)


« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2017, 10:19:28 AM »

I'm adding thsi to some other edits I've already gotten.  there's a possibility I'll be making a jump to Third Omni for POV but I'm trying to see how it will work before I make that leap.  I also need to change a lot to cover up a major turn and to make it feel more real and less of a Deus Ex Machina type turn of events.   

thank you for the input, when I tweak them I'll be reposing.  anyone else with comments feel free to add them.
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newtothis22
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« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2017, 12:52:06 PM »

I am new to all of this so I don't have much advice about the writing and the flow. I did want to let you know that the scene itself does make me want to read the story. I agree that it was a bit jarring in the beginning but by the end I was intrigued enough to have kept reading.
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Falthor
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Picture of Me and one of the Twins (Chloe)


« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2017, 05:34:34 PM »

interesting.  I'm actually in the process of re-writing the opening to better support a major plot twist that will happen about half way through  once I'm done I'll repost and would love more eyes,
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