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Author Topic: Synopsis - Vulpini YA Fantasy  (Read 537 times)
Kitsch
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« on: September 27, 2017, 06:27:44 AM »

Seeing as you guys have been great at helping me with my query, please help me with my rather awful synopsis. It was longer, but I butchered it down to make it the "one page synopsis" most agents ask for. I realise ending on a cliff hanger is bad, hence the reason I added the additional last bit with the other characters. The reason for this was that when I originally planned this novel, I didn't realise how long it would be and so the "end" of this is what was supposed to be the "middle" of the original story arc. Please see below:

Vulpini is set in the country of Nevraah and focuses on a young werewolf woman named Ayse. Members of the Vulpini tribe, the fox shapeshifter tribe that raised Ayse, track her down in order to elicit her help. Six Vulpini were captured and held hostage by the Duke of High Bremlor. In exchange for their freedom, the Duke demanded that the Vulpini gather intelligence on the enemy; the northern country of Oror. After a failed rescue and having a Vulpini member executed as a result, the tribe turn to Ayse. She is their best bet at successs as Oror is the home of the legendary werewolves.
   Ayse successfully infiltrates Oror whilst in wolf form. After falling foul of a wild bear, Ayse is taken in by a northern warlord believing her to be nothing more than a regular wolf. During the long winter she’s recovering, companions of Ayse have begun to seek her out. Raphael, the man charged with finding her, follows the trail of the Vulpini to the city of Bremlor where he discovers the Vulpini captives being held to ransom. Meanwhile, Tobias, a Vulpini who still holds feelings for Ayse, travels away from the tribe to await her return. As Ayse flees Oror with her information, she encounters the monstrous werewolves and realises that she must actually be a wolf shapeshifter as the werewolves are unnaturally larger than her normal wolf form. She returns to the Vulpini in Nevraah who give the Duke his information only to find that he has yet another task for them. Armed with the information Ayse recovered, Nevraah prepares to attack Oror and demands that the Vulpini tribe help.
   Raphael hatches a plan to free the Vulpini captives in Bremlor while Ayse returns to the north to warn them of the impending attack, hoping in doing so it will save the Vulpini from being slaughtered on the battlefield, as well as assuaging her guilt on betraying those in the north who helped her. Whilst in Oror, Ayse saves a wounded werewolf. She warns the northerners of the planned attack and learns more about the werewolves, and about the wolf shapeshifter tribe, the Canini, before returning to the tribe.
   Oror disregards her information and marches on the decoy Nevraahn army, which includes the Vulpini. The real Nevraahn force march far west to capture Fort Lyndon while the enemy has been drawn out. Ayse again returns to Oror in an attempt to prove her claims and successfully lures some of the soldiers back to the fort, whilst the majority clash with Nevraah in war. Word is sent back to the battlefield to withdraw their troops back to the fort. The battle becomes increasingly desperate whilst awaiting reinforcements. Ayse makes the decision to call for the werewolves to join the fight and with their help the tide of battle begins to turn.
   The Orian army regroups at the fort and the Nevraahn army is defeated. The northerners allow Ayse to return to find out what happened to the Vulpini tribe on the condition that she must eventually return to face judgement for her crimes against their people. Back in Bremlor, Raphael manages to successfully free the Vulpini captives before news of the defeat breaks and shelters them in a remote village.
   During this time Ayse returns and meets the Vulpini chief. He explains the secret of her true parentage; her mother was a fox shapeshifter and her father a werewolf. He cast her out of the tribe before she resembled her mother too much and the rest of the tribe found out. The chief accuses her of putting the lives of the northerners above that of the tribe. The chief attacks Ayse and it is not revealed what happens to her. The Vulpini captives return to the tribe with the help of Raphael. Tobias is frantic that no one has seen or heard from Ayse, so he and Raphael set out to find her.
« Last Edit: September 27, 2017, 06:30:23 AM by Kitsch » Logged
mafiaking1936
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« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2017, 01:00:32 PM »

I'm afraid this version is a bit too convoluted. I mean, it's not as bad a my first synopsis attempt, but I think there are too many details, too many names. I would suggest thinking more in broad strokes of the story arc. Add a few key details to keep the reader interested and focus on only one or two major characters, only referring to others without adding another name to keep track of. This is often hardest in fantasies since there are often so many fictional proper nouns. Word count seems a little long, but not terribly.

One exercise you might try is to work up from even shorter summaries. Try an only three-paragraph synopsis to force yourself to focus on the essentials. When you discover what those are, expand it with some important details. Then do a five-paragraph version, etc.


Vulpini is set in the country of Nevraah and focuses on a young werewolf woman named Ayse. Members of the Vulpini tribe, the fox shapeshifter tribe that raised Ayse, track her down in order to elicit her help. Six Vulpini were captured and held hostage by the Duke of High Bremlor. In exchange for their freedom, the Duke demanded that the Vulpini gather intelligence on the enemy; the northern country of Oror. After a failed rescue and having a Vulpini member executed as a result, the tribe turn to Ayse. She is their best bet at successs as Oror is the home of the legendary werewolves. I don't think so much backstory is a good idea in a synopsis. You could rewrite this to stay with your MC, and start with her getting recruited. Give only the barest details.
   Ayse successfully infiltrates Oror whilst in wolf form. Not clear on the geography here- why is she going to this country and not where the captives are being held?After falling foul of a wild bear, Ayse is taken in by a northern warlord believing her to be nothing more than a regular wolf. During the long winter she’s recovering, companions of Ayse have begun to seek her out. Raphael, the man charged with finding her, follows the trail of the Vulpini to the city of Bremlor where he discovers the Vulpini captives being held to ransom. Meanwhile, Tobias, a Vulpini who still holds feelings for Ayse, travels away from the tribe to await her return. This sentence doesn't make sense as it is. It's clear you cut it down from something more substantial. Consider rewriting from scratch instead of cutting.As Ayse flees Oror with her information, What information? she encounters the monstrous werewolves and realises that she must actually be a wolf shapeshifter as the werewolves are unnaturally larger than her normal wolf form. She returns to the Vulpini in Nevraah who give the Duke his information only to find that he has yet another task for them. Armed with the information Ayse recovered, Nevraah prepares to attack Oror and demands that the Vulpini tribe help.
   Raphael hatches a plan to free the Vulpini captives in Bremlor while Ayse returns to the north to warn them of the impending attack, hoping in doing so it will save the Vulpini from being slaughtered on the battlefield, as well as assuaging her guilt on betraying those in the north who helped her. Too long sentence, questionable grammar.Whilst in Oror, Ayse saves a wounded werewolf. She warns the northerners of the planned attack and learns more about the werewolves, and about the wolf shapeshifter tribe, the Canini, before returning to the tribe.Way too much traveling back and forth.
   Oror disregards her information and marches on the decoy Nevraahn army, which includes the Vulpini. The real Nevraahn force march far west to capture Fort Lyndon while the enemy has been drawn out. Good rule to follow- if you only mention a proper noun once, leave the name out and just refer to it.Ayse again returns to Oror in an attempt to prove her claims and successfully lures some of the soldiers back to the fort, whilst the majority clash with Nevraah in war. Feel like these countries would really benefit from some kind of mass transit system with all the communting going on here  SmileyWord is sent back to the battlefield to withdraw their troops back to the fort. The battle becomes increasingly desperate whilst awaiting reinforcements. Ayse makes the decision to call for the werewolves to join the fight and with their help the tide of battle begins to turn.
   The Orian army regroups at the fort and the Nevraahn army is defeated. The northerners allow Ayse to return to find out what happened to the Vulpini tribe on the condition that she must eventually return to face judgement for her crimes against their people.You use the word "return" to refer to two different countries in one sentence. This can be confusing. Back in Bremlor, Raphael manages to successfully free the Vulpini captives before news of the defeat breaks and shelters them in a remote village.
   During this time Ayse returns where?and meets the Vulpini chief. He explains the secret of her true parentage; her mother was a fox shapeshifter and her father a werewolf. He cast her out of the tribe before she resembled her mother too much and the rest of the tribe found out. The chief accuses her of putting the lives of the northerners above that of the tribe. The chief attacks Ayse and it is not revealed what happens to her. The Vulpini captives return to the tribe with the help of Raphael. Tobias is frantic that no one has seen or heard from Ayse, so he and Raphael set out to find her.

« Last Edit: September 30, 2017, 01:21:58 PM by mafiaking1936 » Logged
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« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2017, 08:33:46 AM »

Young werewolf Ayse is contacted by the Vulpini, the fox shape-shifter tribe that raised her and taught her to keep her shape-shifting ability secret, much like their own. They want her help in freeing some of their tribesman from one of the dukes of Nevraah. In exchange for their freedom, the Vulpini must supply intelligence on the neighbouring country of Oror, which the dukes of Nevraah hope to conquer. Not much is known about the country of Oror, with no one ever returning from the northern country alive. However,  the Vulpini are aware that Oror is rumoured to be the home of the werewolves and so Ayse is the perfect candidate to infiltrate Oror and return with information on the enemy.

Ayse successfully infiltrates Oror in wolf form, but is injured after falling foul of a wild bear. A northern warlord and his men find her and, believing her to be nothing more than a regular wolf, take her back to their camp to help her. Ayse spends the winter recovering in Oror and learning about the northerners. In the Spring, she makes copies of maps and battle plans and begins her journey back to Nevraah to reunite with her Vulpini friends. On her way back, she encounters the monstrous werewolves and discovers that they are the warlord and his men. Seeing the unnatural size of the werewolves of Oror makes Ayse realise that she isn't a werewolf at all and she assumes she must be a wolf shape-shifter.

On her return to Nevraah, the information on Oror is given to the duke, but he doesn't relinquish control of his captives and instead coerces the Vulpini into yet another task. Nevraah formulates a plan to invade Oror by creating a diversionary army to draw out the main northern force, while the real Nevraahn army marches further west to capture a stronghold fort. The Vulpini tribe are to make up part of the decoy army, along with other mercenaries and bandit groups. After the duke reneges on the deal to free the captives, some of the Vulpini plan to attempt to liberate the prisoners while Nevraah is focused on the battle in the north. Conflicted by her decision to betray those in Oror who saved her and to help the Vulpini, Ayse decides to return to Oror. She hopes that by alerting them to Nevraah's battle plans, it will assuage her guilt as well as help the Vulpini by avoiding bloodshed on the battlefield with the decoy army. In Oror, Ayse encounters a wounded werewolf and she helps him return to his camp and delivers the news of the forthcoming attack. The warlord there tells her more about the werewolves, as well as about the wolf shape-shifters that used to live in Oror, the Canini.

Ultimately, Oror do not believe her because of her involvement in leaking information about them to their enemy. The battle begins between the army of Oror and the diversionary Nevraahn army, including the Vulpini. In an attempt to show them the truth, Ayse goads the warlord who saved her life into giving chase and leads him and some of his men away from the battlefield and towards the fort in the west. By the time Ayse and her pursuers arrive at the fort, it is already under attack from the real Nevraahn army. Sending one of his men back to the battlefield to get reinforcements, the Orian warlord, his men and Ayse all join the fray in defending the fort. The battle becomes increasingly desperate and Ayse makes the decision to howl for help, knowing that it will summon any nearby werewolves to join them, despite their existence being a secret to the majority of both Nevraah and Oror. The werewolves help stave off the assault long enough for the real Orian force to reach the fort and defeat the Nevraahn army. Meanwhile, back in Nevraah the Vulpini captives have been freed and taken into hiding.

Ayse returns to Nevraah to see how the Vulpini are faring after the battle, however, she has promised to return to Oror to answer for her crimes against their people. Ayse meets with the chief of the Vulpini, Solomon, who unveils her true parentage to her - that her mother was a fox shape-shifter and her father a werewolf. He tells her that he cast her out of the tribe before her resemblance to her mother became too obvious and the other tribesman found out. Accusing Ayse of putting the lives of the Orian werewolves before that of the Vulpini, Solomon attacks Ayse and tells no one of their meeting. Once the Vulpini captives return to the tribe, Ayse's friends are distraught to hear she never returned from the battlefield and they set out to find her.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2017, 01:03:06 PM by Kitsch » Logged
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« Reply #3 on: October 01, 2017, 01:03:30 PM »

Young werewolf Ayse is contacted by the Vulpini, the fox shape-shifter tribe that raised her and taught her to keep her shape-shifting ability secret, much like their own. They want her help in freeing some of their tribesman from one of the dukes of Nevraah. In exchange for their freedom, the Vulpini must supply intelligence on the neighbouring country of Oror, which the dukes of Nevraah hope to conquer. Not much is known about the country of Oror, with no one ever returning from the northern country alive. However,  the Vulpini are aware that Oror is rumoured to be the home of the werewolves and so Ayse is the perfect candidate to infiltrate Oror and return with information on the enemy.

Ayse successfully infiltrates Oror in wolf form, but is injured after falling foul of a wild bear. A northern warlord and his men find her and, believing her to be nothing more than a regular wolf, take her back to their camp to help her. Ayse spends the winter recovering in Oror and learning about the northerners. In the Spring, she makes copies of maps and battle plans and begins her journey back to Nevraah to reunite with her Vulpini friends. On her way back, she encounters the monstrous werewolves and discovers that they are the warlord and his men. Seeing the unnatural size of the werewolves of Oror makes Ayse realise that she isn't a werewolf at all and she assumes she must be a wolf shape-shifter.

On her return to Nevraah, the information on Oror is given to the duke, but he doesn't relinquish control of his captives and instead coerces the Vulpini into yet another task. Nevraah formulates a plan to invade Oror by creating a diversionary army to draw out the main northern force, while the real Nevraahn army marches further west to capture a stronghold fort. The Vulpini tribe are to make up part of the decoy army, along with other mercenaries and bandit groups. After the duke reneges on the deal to free the captives, some of the Vulpini plan to attempt to liberate the prisoners while Nevraah is focused on the battle in the north. Conflicted by her decision to betray those in Oror who saved her and to help the Vulpini, Ayse decides to return to Oror. She hopes that by alerting them to Nevraah's battle plans, it will assuage her guilt as well as help the Vulpini by avoiding bloodshed on the battlefield with the decoy army. In Oror, Ayse encounters a wounded werewolf and she helps him return to his camp and delivers the news of the forthcoming attack. The warlord there tells her more about the werewolves, as well as about the wolf shape-shifters that used to live in Oror, the Canini.

Ultimately, Oror do not believe her because of her involvement in leaking information about them to their enemy. The battle begins between the army of Oror and the diversionary Nevraahn army, including the Vulpini. In an attempt to show them the truth, Ayse goads the warlord who saved her life into giving chase and leads him and some of his men away from the battlefield and towards the fort in the west. By the time Ayse and her pursuers arrive at the fort, it is already under attack from the real Nevraahn army. Sending one of his men back to the battlefield to get reinforcements, the Orian warlord, his men and Ayse all join the fray in defending the fort. The battle becomes increasingly desperate and Ayse makes the decision to howl for help, knowing that it will summon any nearby werewolves to join them, despite their existence being a secret to the majority of both Nevraah and Oror. The werewolves help stave off the assault long enough for the real Orian force to reach the fort and defeat the Nevraahn army. Meanwhile, back in Nevraah the Vulpini captives have been freed and taken into hiding.

Ayse returns to Nevraah to see how the Vulpini are faring after the battle, however, she has promised to return to Oror to answer for her crimes against their people. Ayse meets with the chief of the Vulpini, Solomon, who unveils her true parentage to her - that her mother was a fox shape-shifter and her father a werewolf. He tells her that he cast her out of the tribe before her resemblance to her mother became too obvious and the other tribesman found out. Accusing Ayse of putting the lives of the Orian werewolves before that of the Vulpini, Solomon attacks Ayse and tells no one of their meeting. Once the Vulpini captives return to the tribe, Ayse's friends are distraught to hear she never returned from the battlefield and they set out to find her.

Young werewolf Ayse is contacted by the Vulpini, the fox shape-shifter tribe that raised her and taught her to keep her shape-shifting ability secret, much like their own. They want her help in freeing some of their tribesman from one of the dukes of Nevraah. In exchange for their freedom, the Vulpini must supply intelligence on Oror, the country the dukes hope to conquer. Not much is known about the Oror, however, the Vulpini are aware that it is rumoured to be the home of the werewolves, therefore Ayse is the perfect candidate for the job.

Ayse successfully infiltrates Oror in wolf form, but is injured by a bear. A northern warlord finds her and, believing her to be nothing more than a regular wolf, takes her back to his camp. Ayse spends the winter recovering. In the spring, she makes copies of battle plans and begins her journey back to Nevraah. On her way, she encounters the monstrous werewolves and realises they are the warlord and his men. Seeing their unnatural size makes Ayse realise that she isn't a werewolf at all and that she must be a wolf shape-shifter.

On her return to Nevraah, the information is given to the duke, but he coerces the Vulpini into yet another task. Nevraah formulates a plan to invade Oror by creating a diversionary army to draw out the main Orian force, while the real Nevraahn army marches west. The Vulpini are to make up part of the decoy army. After the duke reneges on the deal to free the captives, some of the Vulpini plan to liberate the prisoners while Nevraah is focused on the battle. Conflicted by her decision to betray those who saved her and to help the Vulpini, Ayse decides to return to Oror. She hopes that by alerting them to Nevraah's battle plans it will assuage her guilt, as well as help the Vulpini by avoiding unnecessary bloodshed. In Oror, Ayse encounters a wounded werewolf and she helps him return to his camp and delivers the news of the forthcoming attack.

Oror does not believe Ayse because of her involvement in leaking information about them to their enemy. The battle begins between Oror and the diversionary Nevraahn army. Ayse goads the warlord who saved her into giving chase and leads him and some of his men west. By the time Ayse and her pursuers arrive at the western fort, it is already under attack. While one returns for reinforcements, the others all join the fray. The battle becomes increasingly desperate and Ayse makes the decision to howl, knowing that it will summon nearby werewolves to join them, despite their existence being a secret to the majority of both countries. The werewolves help stave off the assault long enough for the real Orian force to arrive and defeat the Nevraahns. Meanwhile, the Vulpini captives have been freed and taken into hiding.

Ayse returns to Nevraah to see how the Vulpini are faring after the battle. Ayse meets with the chief of the Vulpini who unveils her true parentage - her mother was a fox shape-shifter and her father a werewolf. Accusing Ayse of putting the lives of the Orians before that of the Vulpini, he attacks Ayse and tells no one of their meeting. Once the Vulpini captives return to the tribe, Ayse's friends are distraught to hear she never returned and they set out to find her.

Trimmed it down again so it fits on one page, is this version better?
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« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2017, 03:06:56 PM »

Young werewolf Ayse is contacted by the Vulpini, the fox shape-shifter tribe that raised her and taught her to keep her shape-shifting ability secret, much like their own. They want her help in freeing some of their tribesman from one of the dukes of Nevraah. In exchange for their freedom, the captured Vulpini must supply intelligence on Oror, the country the dukes hope to conquer. Not much is known about the Oror, however, the Vulpini are aware that it is rumoured to be the home of the werewolves, ;therefore Ayse is the perfect candidate for the job. It took a few read-throughs to perfectly follow this, but I think it's a good start.

Ayse successfully infiltrates Oror in wolf form, but is injured by a bear. A northern warlord finds her and, believing her to be nothing more than could "nothing more than" be deleted? a regular wolf, takes her back to his camp. Ayse spends the winter recovering. In the spring, she makes copies of battle plans and begins her journey back to Nevraah. On her way, she encounters the monstrous werewolves and realiszes they are the warlord we don't know anything about a warlord at this point... and his men. Seeing their unnatural size makes Ayse realisze that she isn't a werewolf at all and that she must be a wolf shape-shifter. Another difference that doesn't mean much to me.

On her return to Nevraah, the information is given to the duke, but he coerces the Vulpini into yet another task. Nevraah this reads like Nevraah is a person rather than a place. Is that your intention? formulates a plan to invade Oror by creating a diversionary army to draw out the main Orian Took a minute to realize this was the name for the people of Oror force, while the real Nevraahn army marches west. The Vulpini are to make up part of the decoy army. After the duke reneges on the deal to free the captives, some of the Vulpini plan to liberate the prisoners while Nevraah is focused on the battle. Conflicted by her decision to betray those who saved her and is "and" deletable? I don't quite understand what Ayse's decision is, either to help the Vulpini, Ayse decides to return to Oror. She hopes that by alerting them to Nevraah's battle plans it will assuage her guilt, as well as help the Vulpini by avoiding unnecessary bloodshed. In Oror, Ayse encounters a wounded werewolf and she helps him return to his camp and delivers the news of the forthcoming attack.

Oror does not believe Ayse because of her involvement in leaking information about them to their enemy. The battle begins between Oror and the diversionary Nevraahn army. Ayse goads the warlord who saved her into giving chase and leads him and some of his men west. By the time Ayse and her pursuers arrive at the western fort, it is already under attack. While one returns for reinforcements, the others all join the fray. The battle becomes increasingly desperate and Ayse makes the decision to howl, knowing that it will summon nearby werewolves to join them, despite their existence being a secret to the majority of both countries. The werewolves help stave off the assault long enough for the real Orian force to arrive and defeat the Nevraahns. Meanwhile, the Vulpini captives have been freed and taken into hiding.

Ayse returns to Nevraah to see how the Vulpini are faring after the battle. Ayse meets with the chief of the Vulpini, who unveils her true parentage - her mother was a fox shape-shifter and her father a werewolf. Accusing Ayse of putting the lives of the Orians before thosethat of the Vulpini, he attacks Ayse and tells no one of their meeting. Once the Vulpini captives return to the tribe, Ayse's friends are distraught to hear she never returned and they set out to find her.

Trimmed it down again so it fits on one page, is this version better?

Is Ayse's friends setting out to find her the end of the book? If not, keep going until the end. If it is, I might provide more evidence that that the story is tied up—that it doesn't end on a cliffhanger.

That said, it reads pretty well and except for the places I mentioned is easy to follow. Best of luck!
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« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2017, 10:13:59 AM »

Young werewolf Ayse is contacted by the Vulpini, the fox shape-shifter tribe that raised her and taught her to keep her shape-shifting ability secret. They want her help in freeing some of their tribesman from one of the dukes of Nevraah. In exchange for their freedom, the other Vulpini must supply intelligence on Oror, the country the dukes hope to conquer. Not much is known about the Oror, however, it is rumoured to be the home of the werewolves,; therefore Ayse is the perfect candidate for the job.

Ayse successfully infiltrates Oror in wolf form, but is injured by a bear. A northern warlord finds her and, believing her to be a regular wolf, takes her back to his camp. Ayse spends the winter recovering. In the spring, she makes copies of battle plans and begins her journey back to Nevraah. On her way, she encounters the monstrous werewolves and realises the werewolves before her are the warlord and his men who took her in when injured. Seeing the unnaturally large size of the werewolves, who would tower over any full grown man if stood next to them, makes Ayse realise that she isn't a werewolf at all and that she must be a wolf shape-shifter.

On her return to Nevraah, the information is given to the duke, but he coerces the Vulpini into yet another task. The Nevraahn forces formulate a plan to invade Oror by creating a diversionary army to draw out the main Orian force, while the real Nevraahn army marches west. The Vulpini are to make up part of the decoy army. After the duke reneges on the deal to free the captives, some of the Vulpini plan to liberate the prisoners while Nevraah is focused on the battle. Feeling guilty about betraying the Orians who saved her to help the Vulpini, Ayse decides to return to Oror. She hopes alerting them to Nevraah's battle plans it will assuage her guilt, as well as help the Vulpini by avoiding unnecessary bloodshed. In Oror, Ayse encounters a wounded werewolf and she helps him return to his camp and delivers the news of the forthcoming attack.

Oror does not believe Ayse because of her involvement in leaking information about them to their enemy. The battle begins between Oror and the diversionary Nevraahn army. Ayse goads the warlord who saved her into giving chase and leads him and some of his men west. By the time Ayse and her pursuers arrive at the western fort, it is already under attack. While one returns for reinforcements, the others all join the fray. The battle becomes increasingly desperate and Ayse makes the decision to howl, knowing it will summon nearby werewolves to join them, despite their existence being a secret to the majority of both countries. The werewolves help stave off the assault long enough for the real Orian force to arrive and defeat the Nevraahns. Meanwhile, the Vulpini captives have been freed and taken into hiding.

Ayse returns to Nevraah to see how the Vulpini are faring after the battle. Ayse meets with the chief of the Vulpini, who unveils her true parentage - her mother was a fox shape-shifter and her father a werewolf. Accusing Ayse of putting the lives of the Orians before those of the Vulpini, he attacks Ayse and tells no one of their meeting. Once the Vulpini captives return to the tribe, Ayse's friends are distraught to hear she never returned and they set out to find her.


Sorry for the incredibly slow reply, life took over! sad

@slightlysmall: I've edited based on your suggestions.
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