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Author Topic: QUERY: The Intersection (sci-fi) - 3rd Edit  (Read 2461 times)
MKWrites_318
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« on: October 06, 2017, 03:22:54 PM »

Newest edition, minor changes for clarity and voice. I feel confident about it, but we all know that doesn't necessarily mean it's ready yet.

3rd Edit - Blending Versions 1 & 2:

Alright, opening a door that materialized in front of her was a bad idea, but federal agents had cornered her in that bathroom and she had nowhere else to go. And yeah, that bad idea became a worse idea when the door slammed behind her and locked her out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After her requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – offers to help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse.

At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain: Portal. They’re in every nation on every world in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Beatrice has defeated her fair share of indomitable foes, and visibility on such a scale only makes Portal’s destruction more tantalizing.

Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t anyone’s first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask. 


-------------
I'm gonna leave the other edits visible for the time being, so if you like one of those better than this current iteration, please, please, let me know!

2nd Edit - Blending Versions 1 & 2:

Alright, opening a door that materialized in front of her was a bad idea, but federal agents had cornered her in that bathroom and she had nowhere else to go. And yeah, that bad idea became a worse idea when the door slammed behind her and locked her out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After her requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – offers to help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse.

At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain. They’re in every nation on every world in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t anyone’s first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask.


----------
1st Edit - Version 1:

Really, the question is who wouldn’t open a door that materialized in front of them after they’d been cornered in a public bathroom by federal agents? Idiots, that’s who. At least, that’s what con-artist Beatrice Cole told herself before she opened that door and got locked out of the universe.

Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After her requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – says he’ll help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse. The journey isn’t easy for a loose cannon like Bea. She picks fights with aliens and high-level politicians alike. She learns too. The people of the multiverse are suffering, different pains for different planets, mostly at the hands of a corporation called Portal.

When the pair reach the Doorkeepers Initiative, Beatrice receives a shock; the Secretary-General of that august body refuses to give her aid, and it turns out, the men who chased her into that bathroom and got her into this whole mess aren’t federal agents at all. No, they work for the Initiative and happen to be two of the most feared beings in the multiverse.

Portal and the Doorkeepers Initiative must be stopped, and with each new encounter, Beatrice is convinced that it’s not only her duty but her destiny to do it. A fat vigilante might not be everyone’s idea of a heroine, but that won’t stop Beatrice Cole from trying.


1st Edit - Version 2:

When doors materialize in front of you, you open them. That’s obvious. Okay, so sometimes, the door slams behind you and you get locked out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

Beyond the door, is an intersection, a junction between worlds. The door also hides a handsome Doorkeeper, who offers to help get Bea home, which is no less than God owes her at this point. At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain. They’re in every nation, on every world, in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t anyone’s first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask. 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2017, 01:39:03 AM by MKWrites_318 » Logged
J. Paul Barnett
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« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2017, 03:50:02 PM »

I'll start by saying that I do prefer version 2. Not only is it shorter, but I think it's a lot more clear. The first one seems to get off course a little bit with information that is not pivotal to the plot. So here are some thoughts on version 2.

When doors materialize in front of you, you open them. That’s obvious. Okay, so sometimes, the door slams behind you and you get locked out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

I think this is a pretty good hook. I assume your book is written in this same quirky, light-hearted voice? If so, then I think this is pretty fun.

Beyond the door, is an intersection; a junction between worlds.

Just a small grammar suggestion there. I think a semicolon makes the sentence work better, but then I really like semicolons.

Also, a handsome Doorkeeper, who offers to help get Bea home, which is no less than God owes her at this point.

I'm not sure this is a sentence. I guess the also goes with the "beyond the door" part, but by the time I get to the sentence, it feels misplaced and I don't fully understand what "also" goes with. One exercise I go through with myself is to see if each sentence would make sense on its own, and I'm not sure this one does. I might try something like:

The door also hides a handsome Doorkeeper, who offers to help get Bea home. It's no less than God owes her at this point.

My first inclination was to also split this up with semicolons, so I think that might just be an element of your writing style, too.

At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain, Portal, a massive entity with bottomless power. They’re in every nation, on every world, in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing.

I like all of this, but I recommend you take out the part I've struck through. The name of the corporation isn't important, and I think it makes the sentence more confusing to include it.

Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t who most species would pick to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask.

I might be overly politically correct here, but I think the word "fat" used in this way will turn people off. It may be silly, but it's just kind of where we are as a society right now, I think. I might use the word overweight instead.

I also think this sentence could use a little bit of massaging. It's a bit clunky when I read it out loud. The "who most species" part just doesn't work for me. I might try something like this for that sentence:

Maybe an overweight vigilante isn't the first pick to save the multiverse, but Bea's not asking for opinions.

Per usual, this is all just my opinion. I hope it helps!
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2017, 05:25:03 PM »

Thank you so much for your input! You're right about naming Portal. It's unnecessary. And, while I do tend to mix in sentence fragments with my writing, if the "Also, a handsome doorkeeper..." threw you for a minute, I have no qualms in changing it. And, yes, the last sentence felt off to me too. I needed a suggestion of different wording to see its problem. Thanks for that. Smiley Also, describing her as fat is important. I totally hear what you're saying, and maybe it'll throw some people off, but as a fat girl, it's about reclaiming that word and changing those pejorative connotations.

1st Edit - Version 2:

When doors materialize in front of you, you open them. That’s obvious. Okay, so sometimes, the door slams behind you and you get locked out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

Beyond the door, is an intersection, a junction between worlds. The door also hides a handsome Doorkeeper, who offers to help get Bea home, which is no less than God owes her at this point. At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain. They’re in every nation, on every world, in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t anyone’s first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask. 


I hope that's better.
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MichelleG
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« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2017, 06:27:08 PM »

Clearly version 2 is more traditional, following all the rules, but I like version 1.  It gives a real feel for the character.


'locked out of the universe' - love the concept  The only problem I have with the first paragraph is calling her a vigilante - sounds like she's doing something noble and we should feel sorry for her (which might be the case).  I think this is where you should refer to her as a con artist.

I would like a small bit about why these bad guys were in her universe chasing her - BUT ONLY IF - it doesn't spoil a major surprise in the novel.
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"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2017, 06:45:51 PM »

I hope that's better.

I like it better, fwiw. Smiley
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2017, 07:27:55 PM »

I've gone back and forth with calling her a vigilante and a con-artist. She's both, technically, but her cons are of the Robin Hood variety. I think I'll need to stick with one or the other for the query, as there's just no time for nuance. It does spoil a major plot point in the book to reveal why the bad guys were chasing her. I know spoiling things isn't a major issue in a query, but there's not enough room for me to explain it well, regrettably.

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« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2017, 08:18:44 PM »

Oh = I'm sorry, maybe I wasn't clear.   In the first paragraph I would call her a con artist - the reader doesn't know anything about her or her cause.  Then in the last paragraph she's a  vigilante - we have gotten to know her and know that she is now on a mission, now she is a vigilante.
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"You look at these scattered houses, and you are impressed by their beauty. I look at them, and the only thought which comes to me is a feeling of isolation and the impunity with which crime may be committed there." - Sherlock Homes, The Copper Beeches - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2017, 09:19:36 PM »

Oh, no, you were clear. I wasn't. Sorry! The issue is that she is a vigilante to begin with. Her con-artistry is directed at bringing down white collar criminals, corrupt politicians, etc. (This isn't info you need. I'm just trying to be more specific now.  Smiley) So the vigilantism and the conning are inextricable, which makes me feel like, to be safe, I need to stick with one or the other. Since it's the vigilantism that comes more into play later, that's the one I'm gonna go with. I hope that makes more sense. I feel like I'm talking in circles. I apologize.
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« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2017, 11:11:44 PM »

Hey, so I've already started the query process, but I'm not getting many bites. I have gotten one full MS request, but everything else is a rejection. I've rewritten my query, just the portion that pitches the story, and I'm wanting feedback on which version is better. The styles of the two options are pretty different. And obviously, any critiques of whichever one you prefer (or a mix of the two) are welcome and helpful. Thank you!

Hello! I like the first query better, so I'll provide feedback for that one.  Smiley  And I'm far from an expert, so take my suggestions with that in mind.

Version 1:

Really, the question is who wouldn’t open a door that materialized in front of them after they’d been cornered in a public bathroom by federal agents? Idiots, that’s who. At least, That’s what vigilante Beatrice Cole told herself before she opened said door and got locked out of the universe. I like Bea very much, just from her attitude here in the first.

Bea finds herself in at an intersection, a junction between worlds. After the requisite fainting spell You are meaning Bea has a fainting spell, but the way this is phrased, it's the doorkeeper who faints., the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – says he’ll help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse. The journey isn’t easy for a loose cannon like Bea. She picks fights with aliens and high-level politicians, even ends up in a cell for a short time < All this is happening on the way to the Initiative, right?. She learns too. The people of the multiverse are suffering How are they suffering?, mostly at the hands of a corporation called Portal. When they (Who is "they"? Maybe you mean Bea and doorkeeper even though I at first thought you maybe meant suffering people) reach the Doorkeepers Initiative, Beatrice receives a shock; the Secretary-General of that august body refuses to give her aid, and it turns out, the men who chased her into that bathroom and got her into this whole mess aren’t federal agents at all. No, they work for the Initiative and happen to be two of the most feared beings in the multiverse.

Portal and the Doorkeepers Initiative must be stopped, and with each new encounter Encounter with who/what? , Beatrice is convinced that it’s her destiny to do it She should have determined this by the suffering she already saw, so are you implying she's seeing more bad thing happening? . A fat con-artist might not be most species’ idea of a heroine, but that won’t stop Beatrice Cole from trying. I feel the end is a little muddy. I feel there's a bit of a jump from 'two most feared beings in multiverse to Bea thinking they must be stopped. And I'm asking myself why if the two 'most feared being' were after her, why they didn't just snag her while she was at the Initiative that refuses to give her aid. Also, what are the stakes? If she doesn't stop them, the suffering (unknown what that is) continues? And maybe she won't ever be able to get home? What is the possible punishment for acting against the Portal and the D.I.? Give something to show some stakes. Okay, wait, I'm going to do a bit of feedback for next query, just comments mostly.


 


Version 2:

When doors materialize in front of you, you open them. That’s obvious < This phrasing doesn't work for me at all. No. It's not obvious. Not everyone would do that. I also don't like the 2nd person at all, or what I feel is 2nd person. . Okay, so sometimes, the door slams behind you and you get locked out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell. I like the underlined. My suggestion would be to play with that with the same voice in query 1.

Beyond the door, is an intersection, a junction between worlds. Also, a handsome Doorkeeper, who offers to help get Bea home, which is no less than God owes her at this point. < Not a fan of that. It seems awkward and I don't care for the entitled attitude of Bea here. She's way more likable in query 1. At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain, Portal, a massive entity with bottomless power. They’re in every nation, on every world, in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. < I have no idea what that means. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t who most species would pick to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask.  I like the phrasing of query 1 better for last sentence.



The latter option hasn't been proofread for grammar yet, so if there's a glaring mistake, I apologize.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2017, 01:16:31 AM by 007 fan » Logged

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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2017, 02:18:02 PM »

Thank you for your help!  Smiley

I've made a few changes and I'll post the modified versions. I just wanted to clarify why I'm reluctant to change a couple of things.
Version 1:
1. "Bea finds herself in an intersection..." - Because it's a room and not a crossroads, 'at' would be incorrect, but I understand when we hear 'intersection' we immediately think 'at' instead.
2. The reason the agents don't snatch her at the beginning is because of the door that materializes in the bathroom where they have her cornered. I hope the first sentence is clear enough on that. If not, please let me know.
Version 2:
1. "That's obvious." - This version is in tune with Bea's sarcastic personality, and she would feel you absolutely should open mysteriously appearing doors.
2. "...which is no less than God owes her..." - Just more sarcasm.

It goes without saying, if the general consensus is that these elements are problematic, I will definitely reevaluate them.
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« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2017, 02:19:21 PM »

Hey, so I've already started the query process, but I'm not getting many bites. I have gotten one full MS request, but everything else is a rejection. I've rewritten my query, just the portion that pitches the story, and I'm wanting feedback on which version is better. The styles of the two options are pretty different. And obviously, any critiques of whichever one you prefer (or a mix of the two) are welcome and helpful. Thank you!

Version 1:

Really, the question is who wouldn’t open a door that materialized in front of them after they’d been cornered in a public bathroom by federal agents? Idiots, that’s who. At least, that’s what vigilante Beatrice Cole told herself before she opened said door and got locked out of the universe. (see below for notes here)


Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After the requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – offers to help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse. The journey isn’t easy for a loose cannon like Bea. She picks fights with aliens and high-level politicians, even ending up in a cell for a short time (this seems like a good place to add the flavor of your world, but these details aren't specific enough. Also, is this important to Bea's overall journey? I wonder if perhaps cutting this and jumping straight to her skirmish with the Doorkeepers Initiative might be better? If these scenes are important to Bea's journey, give me rich details I can taste & an understanding of why it matters.). She learns, too: the people of the multiverse are suffering (how are they suffering?), mostly (unless she's fighting multiple villains, I'd take the "mostly" out). at the hands of a corporation called Portal. When they reach the Doorkeepers Initiative, Beatrice receives a shock; the Secretary-General of that august body refuses to give her aid, and the men who chased her into that bathroom and got her into this whole mess aren’t federal agents at all. No, they work for the Initiative and happen to be two of the most feared beings in the multiverse.

Portal and the Doorkeepers Initiative must be stopped, and with each new encounter, Beatrice is convinced that it’s her destiny to do it. A fat con-artist might not be most species’ idea of a heroine, but that won’t stop Beatrice Cole from trying.

Version 2:

When doors materialize in front of you, you open them. That’s obvious. Okay, so sometimes, the door slams behind you and you get locked out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell. (see note below)

Beyond the door is an intersection, a junction between worlds. Also, a handsome Doorkeeper (fragment), who offers to help get Bea home, which is no less than God owes her at this point. At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting their pain: Portal, a massive entity with bottomless power. They’re in every nation, on every world, in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t who most species would pick to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask. 

The latter option hasn't been proofread for grammar yet, so if there's a glaring mistake, I apologize.

They're both good. Interestingly, I think your weakest spot in both occurs in your first lines. For version 1, I'd be very wary of a rhetorical question, even when it's voicey. Could you perhaps rephrase it? I say this because agents have gone on record saying they hate rhetorical questions... I worry they may not see beyond the question to your obviously well-written query and unique storyline. I don't want them to reject your query because of it, you know? For version 2, I'm worried about the slip into 2nd tense, even though you're obviously filtering through Bea's perspective. I'd try to say the same thing without all of the "you's".

For Version 1, perhaps: "When federal agents cornered vigilante Beatrice Cole in a public bathroom, she didn't expect a door to materialize from thin air. Of course, she didn't expect to be locked out of the universe when she disappeared through it, either." (You seem to be a much wittier writer than I am, so I think your humorous one-two punch should come in the second sentence.)

Version 2: "When a door materialized in front of Beatrice Cole, she opened it. Fleeing from federal agents, she wasn't alarmed when the door slammed shut behind her, until she couldn't pry it open again. Still, Beatrice found being locked out of the universe far preferable to prison.

Also, a last minute idea as I read through them once more -- what do you think about combining parts of both? I love this part of Version 1: "Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After the requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – offers to help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse." And this part of Version 2: "At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain: Portal, a massive entity with bottomless power. They’re in every nation, on every world, in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t who most species would pick to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask."

Anyway, I enjoyed it -- feel free to let me know your thoughts, and I'd be happy to take more looks! Smiley
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #11 on: October 07, 2017, 03:19:03 PM »

I'd read somewhere about rhetorical questions being a bad idea and had completely forgotten it. Thank you for reminding me! I definitely don't want to be discounted for a stupid mistake right off the bat.
And you are not the first to mention that slipping into 2nd person might not be a good call, so I'm gonna try to reword that one for sure too.
I think I am gonna go ahead and blend the two together and see if I can keep the tone of version 2 with the added info of version 1. I'll post the modification when I get a chance.

Thank you so much for your help!
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« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2017, 09:47:12 AM »


I agree with tjduck.

I think the lines that sound like they are in the MC pov are a no-no, as well as the rhetorical questions. But I think you are real close otherwise.

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« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2017, 04:19:19 PM »

Thank you for your input!

I've done a revision since tjduck's advice. It's up now. Hope it's an improvement.
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« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2017, 05:09:45 PM »

I'm gonna leave the other edits visible for the time being, so if you like one of those better than this current iteration, please, please, let me know!

Hello!

2nd Edit - Blending Versions 1 & 2:   I like this one and the version 1. I'm having a hard time picking between those as to which would be my favorite.

Alright, opening a door that materialized in front of her was a bad idea, but federal agents had cornered her in that bathroom and she had nowhere else to go. And yeah, that bad idea became a worse idea when the door slammed behind her and locked her out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After her requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – offers to help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse.

At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain. They’re in every nation on every world in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t anyone’s first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask. I think you are meaning the corporation is digging seeing the mayhem it is causing,
but this sentence seems a little something to me. Since I'm the only one who has issue with it, I certainly understand you not making a change.  Smiley I guess if this were my sentence, I'd likely adjust the phrasing to something like ...only makes the destruction they/it causes more tantalizing. The sentence is almost like a dangling modifier to me. 


The sentence "...but federal agents had cornered her in that bathroom and she had nowhere else to go" is giving me and my proofreader a fit. Technically, it should probably have a comma before the "and she had" but it breaks the flow of the sentence. What do y'all think? Can I get away with it or should I just suck it up and change it? Technically, the comma would go there, but this is fiction, and in fiction, us authors can break the rules. I'm still struggling with the 'break the rules part', being comfortable with it, but when the flow is better by breaking a rule, the flow is better, and that's the most important part. I think the flow is better w/o the comma in your example.

----------
Alright, so here are the updated versions.

1st Edit - Version 1:

Really, the question is who wouldn’t open a door that materialized in front of them after they’d been cornered in a public bathroom by federal agents? Idiots, that’s who. At least, that’s what con-artist Beatrice Cole told herself before she opened that door and got locked out of the universe.  I know you were a little concerned about having a question in a query, but if you look through our 'successful queries' thread in 'query help', you'll see at least 1 query with a question(s). If you look elsewhere, I'm sure you would see others that pulled it off. I think it all depends on context and voice. I personally like your situation here. Maybe consider using 2 queries and see if one fares better than the other?

Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After her requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – says he’ll help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse. The journey isn’t easy for a loose cannon like Bea. She picks fights with aliens and high-level politicians alike. She learns too. The people of the multiverse are suffering, different pains for different planets, mostly at the hands of a corporation called Portal.

When the pair reach the Doorkeepers Initiative, Beatrice receives a shock; the Secretary-General of that august body refuses to give her aid, and it turns out, the men who chased her into that bathroom and got her into this whole mess aren’t federal agents at all. No, they work for the Initiative and happen to be two of the most feared beings in the multiverse.

Portal and the Doorkeepers Initiative must be stopped, and with each new encounter of them (or something), Beatrice is convinced that it’s not only her duty but her destiny to do it. A fat vigilante might not be everyone’s idea of a heroine, but that won’t stop Beatrice Cole from trying.


1st Edit - Version 2:

When doors materialize in front of you, you open them. That’s obvious. Okay, so sometimes, the door slams behind you and you get locked out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

Beyond the door, is an intersection, a junction between worlds. The door also hides a handsome Doorkeeper, who offers to help get Bea home, which is no less than God owes her at this point. At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain. They’re in every nation, on every world, in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing. Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t anyone’s first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask. 

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