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Author Topic: QUERY: The Intersection (sci-fi) - 3rd Edit  (Read 2557 times)
MKWrites_318
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« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2017, 07:25:30 PM »

"Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing." - It might clear up the confusion if you add the phrase "to Beatrice" at the end. I haven't changed it yet, but that doesn't mean I won't. If I can find a way to keep the integrity of the sentence while making it clearer, I'll gladly change it.

"Beatrice has defeated her fair share of indomitable foes, and visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing" could work... I'm still working on it. The issue then is that the sentence would read better as "Portal's destruction..." and that would require me to add the introduction of that term back in, which is fine, but I like how concise it is now.

The fact that even one person is having trouble with it is enough to make me really nervous about having it in there. Cos I can't explain further to an agent.
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007 fan
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Eye right store ease.


« Reply #16 on: October 08, 2017, 07:42:36 PM »

"Visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing." - It might clear up the confusion if you add the phrase "to Beatrice" at the end. I haven't changed it yet, but that doesn't mean I won't. If I can find a way to keep the integrity of the sentence while making it clearer, I'll gladly change it.

"Beatrice has defeated her fair share of indomitable foes, and visibility on such a scale only makes their destruction more tantalizing" could work... I'm still working on it. The issue then is that the sentence would read better as "Portal's destruction..." and that would require me to add the introduction of that term back in, which is fine, but I like how concise it is now.

The fact that even one person is having trouble with it is enough to make me really nervous about having it in there. Cos I can't explain further to an agent.

The addition of "to Bea" or whatever would help. At least for me. When I said the sentence seemed like a dangling modifier, I meant I wasn't quite sure who the sentence was for. I like learning the additional info about Bea, and now knowing she would take such glee in 'taking down the bad guys' makes me like her even more. So yes, make clear that sentence is about Bea.
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mgmystery
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« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2017, 08:15:25 AM »

I have to say, I loved version #2, but I agree the second & third paragraphs in the newest edit gives some necessary detail. If this opening When doors materialize in front of you, you open them. That’s obvious. Okay, so sometimes, the door slams behind you and you get locked out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell. matches with the tone of your story, I think it's perfect & it matches nicely with the tone of the closing line.


Alright, opening a door that materialized in front of her was a bad idea, but federal agents had cornered her in that bathroom and she had nowhere else to go. And yeah, that bad idea became a worse idea when the door slammed behind her and locked her out of the universe, but Beatrice Cole isn’t one to dwell.

Bea finds herself in an intersection, a junction between worlds. After her requisite fainting spell, the doorkeeper charged with tending the intersection – a handsome oddity with the audacity to be named Corgi Haysonflee – offers to help get her home. Home lies beyond a visit to the Doorkeepers Initiative, the ruling body of the multiverse.

At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain: Portal. They’re in every nation on every world in every universe, with the government acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. Beatrice has defeated her fair share of indomitable foes, (This line seems a little out of place since we don't know anything about her past. Who is she that she's defeating foes?) and visibility on such a scale only makes Portal’s destruction more tantalizing.

Maybe a fat vigilante isn’t anyone’s first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn’t ask.
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #18 on: October 09, 2017, 02:34:59 PM »

The "When doors materialize in front of you..." sentence being in the 2nd person was the reason I changed it. A couple of people said that might be a problem in a query letter. As long as the opening line in the newest version retains the voice of the story, I'm not gonna risk the 2nd person one.

And the "Beatrice has defeated..." sentence is about to give me hives. lol It seems to be problematic no matter what I do with it. I might just cut it altogether. I don't think it will destroy the paragraph to take it out.

Thank you for your help!
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #19 on: October 09, 2017, 02:49:29 PM »

Alright, how's this:

At first, home is all she wants, but eyes as sharp as Bea’s have a hard time missing the suffering of the people beyond each new door or the corporation inflicting the pain: Portal. They’re in every nation on every world in every universe, with the Initiative acting as little more than a veneer for their dominion. It’s about time someone challenged them, and visibility on such a scale only makes Portal’s destruction more tantalizing.

Maybe a fat vigilante is anyone's first choice to save the multiverse, but Bea really didn't ask.
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mgmystery
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« Reply #20 on: October 16, 2017, 07:29:45 AM »

It works for me! No new questions and gets us right to the point.  Thumbs Up
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #21 on: October 16, 2017, 02:31:20 PM »

Awesome! Thank you!
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Munley
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Mr. Fluff -- from the SPCA


« Reply #22 on: November 18, 2017, 06:15:22 PM »

I'm wishing for something concrete instead of just people suffering or Bea just being willing to help people suffering. People/creatures can suffer in millions of ways. Without any idea of what sort of suffering Bea sees, I can't really appreciate what moves her to take on what must be tremendous risks by going head-to-head with those who cause the suffering.

What sort of pain does this undefined corporation inflict? It must really be something striking if she tends to that instead of grabbing her chance to go home -- a really admirable and interesting thing for her to do. And what is it about her (talents, skills, bravado, something) that makes her any sort of match for that corporation?

I like the locked door. I can picture that. And I really like that it locks her out of the universe. Just looking for something more specific on the other side, including, possibly, some specific first step she takes in her vigilante role.
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #23 on: November 18, 2017, 09:24:57 PM »

Munley,

I've got several queries out right now. If I don't get any positives on those, I'm definitely going to work it over with your suggestions! You aren't the first person to raise the desire for a bit more detail about the suffering/her actions.

Thank you for your help! Smiley
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Munley
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Mr. Fluff -- from the SPCA


« Reply #24 on: November 19, 2017, 01:43:16 AM »

Yeah, it's a good idea to take what you have on a test drive. I'm about to do that myself.
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gckatz
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WWW
« Reply #25 on: November 24, 2017, 07:34:18 PM »

You've got a couple of misplaced modifiers: As written, "after her requisite fainting spell" modifies "the doorkeeper" and "a handsome oddity" modifies "the intersection."

Other than that, I like it.
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Kjk
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« Reply #26 on: November 25, 2017, 05:11:16 AM »

I'm not an expert on queries but you have a very interesting story. I would definitely read.
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