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Author Topic: A thriller query again  (Read 678 times)
MKWrites_318
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« Reply #15 on: November 19, 2017, 09:08:39 PM »

Mostly general edits largely punctuation and issues with repetition, with a few taste recommendations.


Justin Thomas is an expert on dealing with hazardous waste issues, not bodies. Justin He (Changed it b/c it's a little repetitive sounding to start 2 sentences in a row with Justin.) and his employee, Vicky Volker are blindsided by the freshly murdered body clogging one of their prototype algae control devices. The St. John’s River is the jurisdiction of the Marine Patrol, and they are away on a mission. The locals haven’t the cash flow to duplicate services. The Duval County Sheriff will take the body if he can get boat help, and Justin has one.

Justin is on this trip because he doesn’t like his employees to step alone onto unknown worksites like the facility in Putnam County, their second job of the trip., but  His presence is worthless, though, when Vicky is abducted from almost under his nose. The abduction happens is so quickly and proficiently that it is over before he realizes it was is happening.

The first evidence found is a memento box. Among the items found Within it is an old photo of a woman that could be Vicky’s twin. There is also a booby trap, two glass ampoules filled with possible spores.

Then three empty boxes for those same ampoules are found. The test results of the first ampoules confirm Anthrax. Justin and the Sheriff both see weapons, weapons that metal detectors can’t see, and only need to be broken to activate them. This is nitpicking, but I'd change "to activate them" to something a little more sinister, like "to take lives." What can’t be discounted is the possibility of the sale of the ampoules is on the horizon. The lack of possible support is ominous and there is an urgent feeling that time is of the essence. The underlined portion: We don't know that no one can help with the anthrax in this version. Can I suggest instead something like this: "What can't be discounted is the possibility of the sale of the ampoules. With disaster on the horizon and Vicky still missing, time is of the essence."

I would also change up the last sentence of the 3rd paragraph and the first few sentences of the last:
"...two glass ampoules filled with possible spores. Test results confirm Anthrax.
"When three empty boxes for those same ampoules are found, Justin and the sheriff both see weapons, weapons metal detectors can't see and only need to be broken to activate them."



This is much better and much clearer about the plot and the stakes! Smiley
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mgmystery
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« Reply #16 on: November 21, 2017, 08:00:48 AM »

Great job rewriting this!! I added a few suggestions below, but this is definitely the right direction!  Thumbs Up

Justin Thomas is an expert on dealing with hazardous waste issues, not bodies. (Love this opening!) Justin So, he and his employee, Vicky Volker are blindsided by the freshly murdered body clogging one of their prototype algae control devices. The St. John’s River is the jurisdiction of the Marine Patrol and they are away on a mission. The locals haven’t the cash flow to duplicate services. The Duval County Sheriff will agrees to take care oftake the body if he can get boat help and Justin has one.

Justin is on this trip because he doesn’t like his employees to step alone onto unknown worksites like the facility in Putnam County, their second job of the trip.  His presence is worthless, though, when Vicky is abducted from almost under his nose. The abduction happens so quickly and proficiently that it is over before he realizes it was happening.

The first evidence found is a memento box. Among the items found is withan old photo of a woman that could be Vicky’s twin. There is also Even more sinister, is a booby trap, two glass ampoules filled with possible spores.

Then three empty boxes for those same ampoules are found. The test results of the first ampoules confirm Anthrax. Justin and the Sheriff both see weapons, weapons that metal detectors can’t see, and only need to be broken to activate them. (I think this would be great as a visual, something like a few broken bottles could result in the worst amass murder in history.) What can’t be discounted is the possibility likelihoodof the sale of the ampoules is on the horizon. The lack of possible support is ominous and there is an urgent feeling that time is of the essence. (I think this sentence would work better if it was more personal to Justin. Justin knows Vicky's life could be in danger, but with the lack of law enforcement available, his professional knowledge might be the only thing stopping an Anthrax outbreak.
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paddler
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« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2017, 01:50:59 PM »

Thanks MK and MG. I think this might be close enough

Dear Prudence
Justin Thomas is an expert on dealing with hazardous waste issues, not bodies. He and his employee, Vicky Volker are blindsided by the freshly murdered body clogging one of their prototype algae control devices. The St. John’s River is the jurisdiction of the Marine Patrol and they are away on a mission. The Duval County Sheriff agrees to take care of the body if he can get boat help and Justin has one.

The second jobsite of the trip is an old facility in Putnam County. It is the type of remote place Justin doesn’t want his employees to enter alone.  His presence is worthless, though, when Vicky is abducted from almost under his nose. The abduction is so quickly and proficiently done that it is over before he realizes it is happening.

The first evidence found is a memento box. Within it is an old photo of a woman that could be Vicky’s twin. There is also a booby trap, two glass ampoules filled with possible spores. They become sinister when test results confirm Anthrax.

Then three empty boxes for those same ampoules are found. Justin and the Sheriff both see weapons, weapons that metal detectors can’t see, and just need to be broken for each one to kill hundreds, maybe thousands. What can’t be discounted is the likelihood of the sale of the ampoules on the horizon. The lack of possible support makes Justin’s knowledge essential to the safety of the others. It might also  allow Justin to end the threat to Vicky.

A TAINT IN PUTNAM is a completed 99,00-word thriller
Thank you for your time and consideration
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #18 on: November 21, 2017, 04:33:59 PM »

I think it's good! I'd test it out and see how it goes. Thumbs Up
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Munley
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« Reply #19 on: November 21, 2017, 04:39:43 PM »

Finally checking back in here. Much improved. Looks ready to try out, IMO.
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mgmystery
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« Reply #20 on: November 27, 2017, 07:23:49 AM »

Nice job  Thumbs Up Good luck!
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