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Author Topic: Pale Beauty Literary 3rd revision  (Read 657 times)
Kjk
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« on: November 14, 2017, 11:37:19 PM »

Dear,

     As a rule, Elias never walks along the beach at night. He is convinced that his home along the shore in Havana is haunted and that something terrible lies just beyond the waves. In fact, those are some of the only things he is certain of. If not harassing tourists, or breaking into neighbor’s homes, Elias lives like a hermit who has no memory of his past.

     Then one day, after the murder of the mayors’ cruel twenty-year-old son, a mysterious whisper appears out of nowhere. Each time he hears that airy hiss, the most vivid visions of his past are revealed. Spanning 30 years, he can suddenly recall once being in love, joining a dangerous revolutionary group and, when the brutality of war proved too much, attempting to escape that life only to be betrayed.

     While reliving these memories, Elias discovers happiness with a kind nurse named Maria. However, as the whisper and dreams of his past continue to haunt him, he is uncertain if any of it is real. The only relief comes when he encounters Miguel, the much-despised superior from the revolutionary group of his past. Elias stalks him to either confirm his insanity or open his eyes to a hidden reality beyond the reach of our modern senses.

     Yet, that ancient world might demand a form of justice that could ruin his happy relationship with Maria. Especially when, as he pursues Miguel, he learns who betrayed him and why he was afraid to walk the beach at night.

     I think my novel, A Pale Beauty on the Bluest Night, would be a good fit for your current list. It is set during three tumultuous periods in Cuban history: the Cuban revolution, Castro’s communist takeover and the fall of the Soviet Union. It is literary fiction with a word count of 87,000.

Thank you,
« Last Edit: November 14, 2017, 11:39:12 PM by Kjk » Logged
Thanksgiving400
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2017, 11:49:06 AM »

I think you can remove some of the opening and still give us enough about your MC and current situation.

Quote
Dear,

     As a rule, Elias never walks along the beach at night. He is convinced that his home along the shore in Havana is haunted and that something terrible lies just beyond the waves. In fact, those are some of the only things he is certain of. If not harassing tourists, or breaking into neighbor’s homes, Elias lives like a hermit who has no memory of his past.

The opening sentence is OK, and you can use elements of the others. Something like- "As a rule Elias never walks along the beach at night. He has no memory of his past, but he knows the shore is haunted by its awful history.."

His fears are confirmed when.."



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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2017, 05:14:33 PM »


     As a rule, Elias never walks along the beach at night. He is convinced that his home along the shore in Havana is haunted and that something terrible lies just beyond the waves. In fact, those are some of the only things he is certain of. If not harassing tourists, or breaking into neighbor’s homes, Elias lives like a hermit who has no memory of his past. Ok, so I know from other versions of the query that Elias has no memory, but that last sentence needs to make that clearer. I'd just say outright that Elias has no memory of his past and leave out the harassing tourists/break-ins. They don't seem relevant.

     Then one day, after the murder of the mayors’ cruel twenty-year-old son (I feel like you should either not mention this boy or explain him more.), a mysterious whisper appears out of nowhere. Each time he hears that airy hiss, the most vivid visions of his past are revealed. Spanning 30 years, he can suddenly recall once being in love, joining a dangerous revolutionary group and, when the brutality of war proved too much, attempting to escape that life only to be betrayed.

     While reliving these memories, Elias finally discovers happiness with a kind nurse named Maria. Howeverbut, as the whisper and dreams of his past continue to haunt him, he is uncertain starts to wonder if any of it is real. The only relief comes when he encounters Miguel, the much-despised superior from the revolutionary group of his past. That's a little clunky. I'd reword it. Elias stalks him to either confirm his insanity or open his eyes to a hidden reality beyond the reach of our modern senses. I'd reword this too. Ex.: "Elias needs confirmation; Is he insane, or are his eyes being opened to a hidden reality, one that goes beyond the reach of our modern senses? Miguel holds the answers he needs."

     Yet, that ancient world might demand a form of justice that could ruin his happy relationship with Maria. Especially when, as he pursues Miguel, he learns who betrayed him and why he was afraid to walk the beach at night. More detail for this whole paragraph. You don't have to give it all away, but this is so vague it's a little confusing and lackluster.


My edits are loose suggestions, of course. I think this is definitely an improvement on the earlier versions. Smiley
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deutschlandchick
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« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2017, 06:09:06 PM »

Very interesting story! I feel as if the second paragraph is a lot of backstory. I don't think you need to talk about the majors son...just focus on your main character...maybe in one sentence added on to the first paragraph you could explain about what is in all of your second paragraph without going into the backstory with the major's son. I think that would greatly streamline your query! Focus on Elias and Maria...
Good luck! Smiley
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mgmystery
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« Reply #4 on: November 16, 2017, 07:58:45 AM »

I like this new version too! I agree with the advice you've been given. Since his B&E doesn't seem essential to the plot, I'd skip it. I wonder though, if the mayor's son's murder is the event that jolted his memory. If so, I'd add more to bring that out. I like MK's edits to the third paragraph for wording, but I didn't feel a need for the end to be clarified. It sounds like Miguel is the one who betrayed him and he's probably considering murder? If not, I'd be interested enough to read and find out where I went wrong.  Smiley
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