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Author Topic: Abeyance YA Urban Fantasy  (Read 675 times)
lazyprotagonist
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« on: November 15, 2017, 08:20:42 AM »

CHAPTER ONE:
Belinda gazed longingly at Fredric, her honey colored eyes brimming with tears. ‘You can't leave me! I-I love you!’
Fredric gazed off into the distance, the moonlight highlighting his perfectly chiseled features like white porcelain. ‘You can't love me Belinda. I'm,-’ he paused as if even speaking to his beloved was some sort of eternal agony, as endless as it was painful. ‘I'm not good for you,’ he said finally. His stormy stare was cutting into her heart like a knife. Not a plain kitchen knife, but a ceremonial dagger as weighted down in romance, sacrifice and symbolism as Belinda felt.

‘I don't care!’ Belinda declared clinging to her beloved as if her very life depended on it. ‘Good or bad, you're mine.’

Fredric pulled away from her, his poor soul tortured by the truth.

‘That's just it, Belinda. I'm not good or bad, I'm,’ he forced himself to face her. ‘Indifferent!’



I was so absorbed in Heavenly Bitten I didn't notice anyone enter the room until the refrigerator light came on, illuminating our small kitchen, and the island counter I was sitting at. Cleo and I let out a mutual scream and I almost fell off of my bar stool. Even in the harsh refrigerator light, her light-brown skin managed to have a warm glow to it. The only glow my skin ever managed was of the glow-in-the-dark, night-light variety. Her dark curls stuck up all over the place; I wondered if my hair had a similar look to it.

“Jesus, Charlie, it's two in the morning. What the hell are you still doing up?” Cleo asked clutching at her chest.

“I could ask you the same thing,” I countered.

Cleo held up the pint of Ben and Jerry's in response. I held out my book.

“Oh my god, go to bed. And don't read in the dark anymore, you'll go blind and then you won't be able to read period,” Cleo said.

I waved my phone at her. “I had the flashlight on my phone on.”

Cleo snorted. “Oh that’s so much better. Seriously though, put the book down and go to bed.”

 I stared up at her. “You know most people encourage kids to read right?”

Cleo was my older cousin but we were more like sisters than anything else. She moved in with us shortly after finishing school to help Dad with me when I was ten. The nights she babysat almost always devolved into slumber parties, complete with ice cream and the latest romantic comedy. Of course, with my dad out of town she was doubling as my guardian at the moment.

“Not at two in the morning on a school night” Cleo said.

“Oh come on, Cleo. Just let me finish this chapter. Fredric is about to tell Belinda they can't be together because he's divinely cursed--”

“What?”  Cleo stared at me with the same look she gave me when I dragged her and Dad to the latest Grave Promises movie, disgusted disbelief.

“Divinely cursed,” I repeated. I mean it’s not like I haven’t explained this to her at every Fangs and Wings Chronicles movie premiere or anything.

Cleo put her head in her hands, exhausted. “Which would mean?”

 “He's a vampire-angel, that's why he's indifferent- why he can't join the legion of angels or the coven of vampires, because he's neither” I said pausing for dramatic effect, “and both!”

It was lost on Cleo.

“Well, sounds like you know what's going on so, GO TO BED!”

“I can't go to bed; I need to finish this chapter. It's one of the most pivotal parts of the book. If I stop reading now it will ruin the moment,” I argued.

“Honey, the whole book ruined the moment.”

“Uh—that-- that is-- this is art! The Fangs and Wings Chronicles was listed as one of the greatest supernatural-romance novels of all time on--”

Cleo started laughing.

“Okay, the fact that this,” Cleo gestured to the book, “is now considered a genre is terrifying.”

I glared at her for a second before reaching over and grabbing the pint of Half-Baked ice cream from her.

“I don't understand how we're related. How do you not like books?” I put a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth.

“Hey, I love books. This however” she held Heavenly Bitten up for inspection. “This is what happens when Lisa Frank draws monsters.”

I raised my eyebrows and Cleo raised her own in response

“Oh come on, I know you know who Lisa Frank is.”

“Sorry some of us didn't grow up in the last century.”

“Oh please, I'm not that much older than you, and they still make Lisa Frank folders, thank you very much!” She huffed stealing the ice cream back.

“If you say so” I shrugged. There would be no winning her over to “Team Vampire-Angel”.

“Agree to disagree?” I offered my hand out for a truce. She shook it.

“Deal. Now go to bed,” she said.

I fought the urge to laugh at her order. Cleo had never exactly taken to the authority role well. I mean, she liked bossing people (me) around; but she wasn't all that great at inspiring people (me) to listen. The fact that Dad left her in charge was a sign of desperation. He was supposed to be gone for two days, but two days turned into eight days, which transformed into three weeks.
I'd never admit it to Cleo, but I was beginning to wonder if he was coming back at all. I mean when Mom left, I’m sure she didn’t tell Dad she was leaving. She certainly didn’t tell me.

I pinched my wrist and tried to take my mind off of my parents. Thinking about Mom brought my nightmare back to the forefront of my mind. “Please, let me finish. Just till the end of the chapter. I had a bad dream and I don't want to go back to sleep yet.”

Cleo looked at me for a second.

“On a scale of B flick horror movies, how bad are we talking here?” Cleo asked.

Cleo was obsessed with bad horror movies about as much as I was with supernatural romance novels. She grew up watching them with Gramps. She said there was something comforting in watching a person make predictably catastrophic choices for themselves. It made whatever bad decision you made seem miniscule by comparison.

“‘Lake Placid’ to ‘Sharknado’? ‘Robo-Croc’ but it’s bordering on ‘Ghost Shark.”

“I'll get the tea out.” She said moving to the kitchen cabinets.


We settled down with some peppermint tea after a few minutes. I took a sip of mine and fought to keep from spitting it out immediately. It wasn’t bad, per say, but it tasted- off. Of course, Cleo had never been very good at making tea so it wasn’t exactly a huge surprise.

 “So what happened in this dream of yours?”

“I think I dreamed about my mom,” I stared into my cup. I mean I wasn’t entirely positive the woman actually was my mom, I couldn’t remember her. She left when I was four and Dad didn’t keep any pictures lying around of her.

 Cleo looked at me, concerned.

“We were on a beach somewhere, it was dark. She had my hand in hers, we were running away- no we were running from someone but they found us.”

“Who?” Cleo asked hand reaching across the island to touch mine.

“I don’t know some guy- a big guy. He snatched her away from me and I woke up. It’s stupid, probably some subconscious mommy-issues bull-crap right?” I looked up at her but she didn’t nod her head like I wanted her too.

When I was little I wanted my mother’s leaving to not be her choice, but this dream was too real.

 Cleo was silent for a few more moments and it scared me. Cleo had something to say about everything. I needed her to joke about taking dreams too seriously, I needed her to help me believe my nightmare was just that, a nightmare.

“Okay,” She sighed. I looked up to see her signature smirk replace the frown. “One more chapter on two conditions: I never have to hear about that series ever again and no arguments about getting up for school,” Cleo offered.

“What about--”

 “No, being emotionally distraught over a fictional character is not a valid excuse for an absence,” Cleo interrupted.

“You let me use it when I read Harry Potter,” I complained.

 “That's because it was Harry Potter. That's the deal. Take it or leave it.” Cleo said crossing her arms.
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debbie.rosenberg58
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« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2017, 10:14:40 AM »

[s]
CHAPTER ONE:
Belinda gazed longingly at Fredric, her honey colored eyes brimming with tears. ‘You can't leave me! I-I love you!’
Fredric gazed off into the distance, the moonlight highlighting his perfectly chiseled features like white porcelain. ‘You can't love me Belinda. I'm,-’ he paused as if even speaking to his beloved was some sort of eternal agony, as endless as it was painful. ‘I'm not good for you,’ he said finally. His stormy stare was cutting into her heart like a knife. Not a plain kitchen knife, but a ceremonial dagger as weighted down in romance, sacrifice and symbolism as Belinda felt.

[/s]
I don't care!’ Belinda declared clinging to her beloved as if her very life depended on it. ‘Good or bad, you're mine.’

Fredric pulled away from her, his poor soul tortured by the truth.
[/s]

‘That's just it, Belinda. I'm not good or bad, I'm,’ he forced himself to face her. ‘Indifferent!


[/s]
I get what you're doing here, but I wouldn't begin with a scene from a movie the character is watching. 

I was so absorbed in Heavenly Bitten I didn't notice anyone enter the room until the refrigerator light came on, illuminating our small kitchen, and the island counter I was sitting at. Don't end a sentence with a preposition. Cleo and I let out a mutual scream and I almost fell off of my bar stool. Even in the harsh refrigerator light, her light-brown skin managed to have a warm glow to it. The only glow my skin ever managed was of the glow-in-the-dark, night-light variety. Her dark curls stuck up all over the place; I wondered if my hair had a similar look to it.

You mention other books and movies a lot.  I think it's okay for each character to mention one, but this gets distracting. Are you spoofing one of these books or movies, or does the character find herself in a similar situation? If yes, you have the beginning of a set up. BTW I recently got a thoughtful rejection on a full; the agent mentioned I used dialogue a lot and this distracted from the 'dimensionality' of the scene (her words not mine). Dialogue is good, but you need more of the scene.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2017, 10:16:39 AM by debbie.rosenberg58 » Logged
lazyprotagonist
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« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2017, 11:19:02 AM »

Thank you.
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Pineapplejuice
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« Reply #3 on: January 16, 2018, 06:49:41 PM »

I agree with first commenter. Reading it I thought it was the actual book, and then once the paragraph was over I thought your character was watching a tv soap, but a vampire soap, if there is such a thing. So I didn't realise she was reading. So I think it could work if you didn't jump into that scene straight away. But the writing of the Heavenly Bitten book is really ...lame ( supposed to be I imagine ) so you don't want an agent reading it to put your ms down thinking that you write like that. ( You don't want them to think you've started your book off in the middle of some important scene either )

After I realised what was happening I liked the scene. I'll just finish reading it.
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