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Author Topic: Israel Falls Query 3rd revision (scifi/fantasy)  (Read 932 times)
jjf3rd77
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« on: November 19, 2017, 01:56:30 PM »

This query comes from future Henry's point of view. I'm getting great feedback from it by friends and online communities.

In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilsons have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help.

Henry guides his younger self's own rise to power, developing a way to manipulate time that has never been done before, breaking every rule in the book. While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented by mysterious episodes of Déjà vu that he can’t explain. Word from the future is that a new technology is quickly making time travel obsolete by revealing a deadly conspiracy one thousand years in the making.

Past, present, and future collide as Henry is left with a choice to make: protect his family/timeline at all costs or continue making even larger changes no matter where or when they might lead.

Israel Falls is an (est) 80,000-word work of science fiction/fantasy.


« Last Edit: November 19, 2017, 01:58:01 PM by jjf3rd77 » Logged
MKWrites_318
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« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2017, 09:27:41 PM »


In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilsons have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. "Celebrities" I could understand. "Demi-gods" implies power that needs clarification. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade (You don't have to give it all away but a little bit of definition regarding "the soul trade" wouldn't go amiss.) and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help.

Henry guides his younger self's own rise to power, (I'd find a way to not say "younger self" one time right after the other.) developing a way to manipulate time that has never been done before, breaking every rule in the book. While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented by mysterious episodes of Déjà vu that he can’t explain. Word from the future is that a new technology is quickly making time travel obsolete by revealing a deadly conspiracy one thousand years in the making. Both intrigued and confused by this sentence. Not knowing your story, I don't know if there's a way for you to elaborate without giving too much away. Wait and see what others say before you change that for sure.

Past, present, and future collide as Henry is left with a choice to make: protect his family/timeline (I would say "family and timeline." Something about that slash looks a little unprofessional, but that might just be me.) at all costs or continue making even larger changes no matter where or when they might lead.

Israel Falls is an (est) (They know you're rounding.) 80,000-word work of science fiction/fantasy. Definitely say either sci-fi or fantasy. Putting both might make it look like you don't know or are hedging your bets.


It's not bad. Just needs to be tightened up a little bit.

Best of luck!
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jjf3rd77
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« Reply #2 on: November 20, 2017, 10:39:28 AM »


In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilsons have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. "Celebrities" I could understand. "Demi-gods" implies power that needs clarification. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade (You don't have to give it all away but a little bit of definition regarding "the soul trade" wouldn't go amiss.) and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help.

Henry guides his younger self's own rise to power, (I'd find a way to not say "younger self" one time right after the other.) developing a way to manipulate time that has never been done before, breaking every rule in the book. While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented by mysterious episodes of Déjà vu that he can’t explain. Word from the future is that a new technology is quickly making time travel obsolete by revealing a deadly conspiracy one thousand years in the making. Both intrigued and confused by this sentence. Not knowing your story, I don't know if there's a way for you to elaborate without giving too much away. Wait and see what others say before you change that for sure.

Past, present, and future collide as Henry is left with a choice to make: protect his family/timeline (I would say "family and timeline." Something about that slash looks a little unprofessional, but that might just be me.) at all costs or continue making even larger changes no matter where or when they might lead.

Israel Falls is an (est) (They know you're rounding.) 80,000-word work of science fiction/fantasy. Definitely say either sci-fi or fantasy. Putting both might make it look like you don't know or are hedging your bets.


It's not bad. Just needs to be tightened up a little bit.

Best of luck!

Thank you for your suggestions and I'm glad you liked it. The reason I put scifi/fantasy is because of the time travel element. I don't know if more people see time travel as fantasy or sci-fi. I certainly see it as sci-fi, but this novel is not hard sci-fi at all! Yet, it doesn't have the magical elements of fantasy, maybe some mystical stuff, but not overall.

Unfortunately the novel is layered rich in the mythology as the world that I have created is pretty complex so it would take another paragraph at least to explain more conflicts. There is a religious component to this as well. I've written many queries where I have tried and failed to properly explain those issues as it relates to this world. Brand new concepts that a reader would have to be invested in in order to properly understand them.
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MKWrites_318
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« Reply #3 on: November 20, 2017, 01:16:54 PM »

Well, if it helps you decide which genre it should be, my story deals with mysticism, clairvoyance, and time travel, and I've put it in science fiction. But definitely choose one. Agents sometimes represent both sci-fi and fantasy, but plenty of them only represent one or the other and it might be a notch against you if you haven't properly categorized.

As to the rest of it, you know your story better than I do. They were just suggestions. If no one else has any trouble with it, don't worry about it. Smiley
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billiek
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« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2017, 04:43:27 PM »

I would cut the very first words… "In the far future,". In terms of your novel, it's not the far future, it's now, and removing that bit makes it sound more immediate, in the moment. Plus you don't run into issues with "from the past" because I'm assuming their past in not our past and it's actually in our future.

And I agree with MKWrites about "younger self." Try reading it aloud. (I mean, actually out loud, not under your breath.) You'll notice things like awkward phrasing and closely repeated words. It's a great way to edit. (Particularly after a glass of wine, I find. Just like wallpapering.)
« Last Edit: November 20, 2017, 05:32:03 PM by billiek » Logged
mgmystery
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« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2017, 08:13:15 AM »

Okay, this is definitely not my genre so I could be very wrong about any comments.  embarrassed2 First, it sounds like sci-fi. I'm pretty sure significant world building is allowed in sci-fi, and probably any type of "magic" that has the potential to be explained by science.

In the far future, time travel is as commonplace as the smartphone, and the Wilsons have profited enough from it to be considered demi-gods. When shadows from the past threaten to expose their highly illegal soul trade (I agree about expanding this a tiny bit. Maybe just how it works) and destroy their legacy, patriarch Henry Wilson is forced to flee to the past and seek out his younger self's help.

Henry guides his younger self's (I think guides his own rise to power would work.) own rise to power, developing a way to manipulate time that has never been done before, breaking every rule in the book.(Maybe switch this sentence around to say breaking every rule... to manipulate.... While trying to prevent the scandal he’s tormented by mysterious episodes of Déjà vu that he can’t explain. Word from the future is that a new technology is quickly making time travel obsolete by revealing a deadly conspiracy one thousand years in the making. (Is there a way to hint if this might be Henry's fault?)

Past, present, and future collide as Henry is left with a choice to make: protect his family/timeline (Yeah, I'd switch the slash to and, too.) at all costs or continue making even larger changes no matter where or when they might lead.
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billiek
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« Reply #6 on: November 21, 2017, 08:52:28 AM »

Don't know if there's some secret that only I don't know, but "Déjà vu" should be "déjà vu" I believe.

And "mysterious episodes" and "he can’t explain" sounds redundant. Either "While trying to prevent the scandal, he’s tormented by episodes of déjà vu that he can’t explain." or "While trying to prevent the scandal, he’s tormented by mysterious episodes of déjà vu."

I think you novel sounds like it can be intriguing, but there's just not enough specific detail to make it sound alive. Not saying to pile on words/details; just choose words that are more innovative. (I'd like to give actual examples but I don't know the story details.)

(Oh. Here.)

Timelines collide, forcing Henry to make his choice: save his family, or risk destroying (their past, present, and future)/(the entire history of mankind)/(everything everyone's ever known).
« Last Edit: November 21, 2017, 09:16:03 AM by billiek » Logged
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