QueryTracker Community
December 17, 2018, 11:57:44 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: First Sentence--too cheesy?  (Read 791 times)
samcantcook
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 41
Offline Offline

Posts: 175



« on: February 11, 2018, 01:30:00 PM »

Anj dragged the sandwalker's corpse across the desert, wondering which of them smelled like melting swiss cheese.
Logged
jcwrites
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 53
Offline Offline

Posts: 291


« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2018, 01:39:13 PM »

heh heh, I like.

(Consider replacing "melting swiss cheese" with one or two syllables; it'll give a punchier rhythm.)
Logged
gayowyn
Newbie
*

Karma: 7
Offline Offline

Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2018, 04:17:19 PM »

I like how punchy/voicey this is, but it's a bit confusing. Are there multiple sandwalkers? "Which of them" implies that there's more than one, but "dragged the sandwalker's corpse" sounds like there's just one. Unless Anj is wondering if it's the sandwalker or Anj himself that smells like cheese. In which case, I suggest rephrasing.

But this is definitely intriguing!
Logged
GVonCarstein
Full Member
***

Karma: 32
Offline Offline

Posts: 93



« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 02:21:53 PM »

I disagree with gayowyn, I think the phrasing is fine. If you're worried about it you could switch to 'whether he or the body' instead.

Where I do think you need a change is in 'swiss cheese' because Sandwalker sounds very fantasy, and swiss cheese is named after it's origin in Switzerland.

Also, I see what you did and I refuse to comment further on it.
Logged
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!