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Author Topic: First Sentence--too cheesy?  (Read 791 times)
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« on: February 11, 2018, 01:30:00 PM »

Anj dragged the sandwalker's corpse across the desert, wondering which of them smelled like melting swiss cheese.
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« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2018, 01:39:13 PM »

heh heh, I like.

(Consider replacing "melting swiss cheese" with one or two syllables; it'll give a punchier rhythm.)

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« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2018, 04:17:19 PM »

I like how punchy/voicey this is, but it's a bit confusing. Are there multiple sandwalkers? "Which of them" implies that there's more than one, but "dragged the sandwalker's corpse" sounds like there's just one. Unless Anj is wondering if it's the sandwalker or Anj himself that smells like cheese. In which case, I suggest rephrasing.

But this is definitely intriguing!
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« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2018, 02:21:53 PM »

I disagree with gayowyn, I think the phrasing is fine. If you're worried about it you could switch to 'whether he or the body' instead.

Where I do think you need a change is in 'swiss cheese' because Sandwalker sounds very fantasy, and swiss cheese is named after it's origin in Switzerland.

Also, I see what you did and I refuse to comment further on it.
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